Friday, March 21, 2014
For those of you unfamiliar, Missed Connections is a feature on Craigslist where people who never met or met briefly try to find each other. Well, usually just one tries to find the other. I don't know if anyone actually ever meets because of it. M is Men and W is Women. The sections are: m4w, w4m, m4m, w4w.
But these are what I would have written if I'd ever used the Missed Connection section.
F Train Mystery - m4w
Friday night. I was wearing a grey hoodie. You had a turquoise cardigan. That homeless guy fell asleep and his fifth of Vodka rolled out of his pocket and our eyes met and we both chuckled. And then you picked it up and swigged it. What's wrong with you? Would you please email and explain? Did you have a really hard night? Are you into homeless spit? Are off the wagon? Do you not know what Hep B is? I don't understand and I'm real sicked out over here.
Smith St. and 9th - m4w
You were on the phone. I was reading a book. You were sassy and black. I was nerdy and white. You said to your friend, "I'm looking for a hookup tonight. And not Tyrell. I'd rather %#$@^#* eat a cockroach covered in..." Then the train came. In what?! What would make a cockroach palatable? Tell me! Finish your hyperbole!
9th Grade Ghoster - m4m
Homecoming football game. I was trying to fit in, act like I knew what sport they were playing. I saw you from the corner of my eye. Wearing that out-of-style Starter jacket. Maybe you were jealous that sophomore girls were talking to me? Maybe you saw something in me that stirred something inside of you? Well, it stirred. And came out of your backside. And you bolted and those girls took one sniff and called me Zombie Butt the rest of the game. Thanks a lot, Ghoster. We should meet up after all these years and let me kick you in your intestines.
You Shot First at My Heart - m4m
I've been sort of stalking you. It's not a great way to start a lifelong relationship but I had to start somewhere. When I first saw you, you were wearing these striped pants, boots and a smirk, and I thought, "Yeah. This guy is cool. We're going to fit." I just want to be up front. I don't want us to be friends. I want us to go way past that. I want you to adopt me. Yeah. Be my dad, Harrison Ford. Hug me to your man bosom.
You Are Me Are You - m4m
Did you notice me? Across the restaurant. I was wearing a scarf, you were wearing a scarf. My jacket was sort of communist shaped and so was yours. Your hair was as purposefully mussed as I had purposefully mussed my own. There's no way you missed me. We both adjusted our glasses at the same time and then reached for our respective nachos. I thought we saw each other then. I thought we made eye contact. Didn't we? Why do you exist in this world if I exist in this world? There can't be two of me. It was like a mirror. A time travel conundrum. Go back to your world, Doppelganger! I hate me for looking like you. I now doubt my own originality. Maybe I'm the copy. Maybe I wanted to ask you where you got your cool sweater. Because I totally would have worn that cool sweater, too. I wanted to ask you but I was afraid space and time would implode. So I left myself to yourself and you/I went home to our/their wife.
Friday, January 17, 2014
|The look of two lunatics loose in our society.|
|Obviously, his hat doubles as a flotation device.|
|You're going to die, Yellow Hat.|
|Ooh-ooh, burying the bodies.|
|I call my arms my 'Dismemberment Plan'.|
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
This is me and Andy near Gettysburg back in like 2011. He had two knives that we could put on our belts and we looked awesome. It's amazing this photo was able to be held steady because of Valerie's mocking laughter as she held it. I started thinking about what it would be like if Andy and I were soldiers during that time and how Gettysburg would go down for us. This is probably the most historically accurate thing I've ever written.
SCENE: The Blues and Grays are charging each other. Andy and James are charging and firing. They both realize the flag bearer is dead next to them and the flag is now on the ground.
James, that is the symbol of our liberty. I am giving you a gift. Do you not accept my gift?
Holding that flag is like holding a death wish.
War is not the good time campout and rifle firing outing I thought it would be. There's a lot more leg cutting off and maggot food.
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
Monday, November 18, 2013
Let's face it, Dora is a God. The whole world bends to her will. She's never hurt by lava or wild animals or child advocate groups. Sometimes she has butterfly wings or swings through the jungle without tiring her tiny toddler arms. Even weirder, her world doesn't speak Alien, it speaks English and Spanish. She's too powerful and she needs to be down by another god. I nominate Thor.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
DANIEL TIGER'S NEIGHBORHOOD
A review by: James Best, full-time parent and part-time man
Thursday, November 07, 2013
Choose-Your-Own-Adventure - Ninjas Are Never Our Friends (Cept When Sumtimes They Are, Kevin) - Pages 4-6
Sometimes I think to apologize for the complete randomness of my blog. It is a madhouse. Why would I follow a kind of sad tell-all about my dad and me with some rampant silliness like below?
Because I'm a weirdo. That's why. Here's part two of my fake Choose-Your-Own-Adventure written by two siblings, Kevin and Kayla.
Here's the link to the prior pages:
NINJAS ARE NEVER YOUR FRIENDS (CEPT SUMTIMES WHEN THEY ARE, KEVIN)
PAGES 4 - 6