The continuing saga of text messages between me and my baby.
EDIE: Hey, have you noticed something weird about Mom?
POP: Does she have another man? What do you know? I knew I was never good enough for her. Let’s kill him.
EDIE: No, I was just saying she was gone. That’s weird, right? Like where is she?
POP: Oh, she’s gone for the weekend. I’m watching you. No big deal.
EDIE: How long is a weekend? I don’t understand time and space! Do you know nothing about babies?
POP: I really don’t. I hated hanging around babies before you. I hated pictures of them even more.
EDIE: You’re a monster.
POP: And yet you stick around.
EDIE: I can’t open doors, dummy. I’m a prisoner. A prisoner with a nice Mommy Warden and an evil Pop Guard.
POP: Are you still mad I took away that bottle of aspirin?
EDIE: It made a wonderful rattley noise! Why do you poop on my happiness?
POP: That’s disgusting and I’m protecting you.
EDIE: You’re stifling me. I demand you unchildproof this house.
POP: I demand you never like Dora!
EDIE: I don’t even know who that is because you keep me locked in a tower!
POP: It’s called a house and she’s a little annoying girl with a football head that keeps company with a filthy monkey and is always trying to push Spanish on me! You can never like her!
EDIE: I’ll like her just to spite you! Now show me Mom!
POP: I can’t. She’s gone.
EDIE: She left me?! Forever? Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
POP: Why are you spelling out your crying? Why aren’t you just crying?
EDIE: I express myself better electronically. I pour my emotions into my thumbs.
POP: I’m taking away that phone. You’re too attached to it.
EDIE: Then how will I call Mom?
POP: You’ve never actually called Mom. You’re talking to Siri. She’s a robot.
EDIE: Whew. I thought Mom had a ‘phone voice’. I was worried she would need a weirdo intervention.
POP: She’ll be back tomorrow. Go to sleep.
EDIE: I don’t feel safe. Hold me.
POP: I’m sorry, baby. Of course I’ll hold you. I’m coming.
~ 2 Minutes Later ~
POP: You threw a Glow Worm at me!
EDIE: Siri told me to do it! She said it would knock you unconscious and then we could use your body as a ladder to escape the crib.
POP: You’re in big trouble. You’re getting no treats tomorrow!
EDIE: You’ll cave! You’re weak! You’re no Mom! I’ll be shoving my face full of craisins by sun up!
POP: I’m going to get you a new Mom. A mean one that never wants to snuggle you.
EDIE: Good luck. Mom already told me she’s getting me a new Dad.
POP: I knew it! It’s not just paranoia. What is it? Am I overweight? Do I talk about nerd movies too much? Is it how much I like poetry? Do I need to become a lumberjack?
EDIE: Goodnight, Former Dad. I’m sleepy.
POP: Answer me!
POP: You typed a bunch of Z’s. You’re not actually asleep.