To the Guy Revving His Engine Next to Me,
What are you doing? Look me in the eyes. Can you see how green my eyes are? Here. Let me turn on the overhead light for you. Pretty green, right? That's the color of disdain. The traffic light is about to turn that color. The traffic light and I are not impressed. That's why it's still red. It's giving you time to pull out of your douchebag nosedive.
Let's also look at a few obvious things. First off, I'm driving a hybrid. That's like racing a toy car. Worse. I'm actually in a hybrid SUV. That's like racing a toy car with a kitten sitting on it. It's not even bullying. It's just a weird display of power. Like you're demonstrating that you're stronger than a frog.
Second. What about me clues you in to any type of competitive nature? I was just bobbing my head to some lo-fi indie jam. I'm sitting in a way that helps my posture. I'm wearing a scarf. Do you see a leather jacket? Does my girlfriend have a black eye from my love clobber? Do I glare out the window daring someone to race me as I flex my chest muscles back and forth like juggling two spray tanned coconuts?
Thirdly, what the crap decade do you live in? Are we 50s greasers? Should we go outside town and race for pinks? How about this? Let's both drive as far as we can outside of town. Oh, wait. I have a hybrid. I could drive forever.
Or maybe you think this is The Fast and the Furious. Or wish it was. Did you think Vin Diesel was a good actor? Because he's not. He has two acting modes. Mad and About-To-Get-Mad. Paul Walker is worse. He has one mode. It's called At-Least-I-Can-Act-Better-Than-Tyrese-Gibson. Yes, Meathead. I saw Fast and Furious 2. I'm familiar with the franchise. And even still, I have no desire to race you.
Did you just call me a female body part? I accept that. Because the reproductive system is great and it's how you and I came into this world. I just called you a reproductive part as well. It's called the Vas Deferens. You should be able to find it in any anatomy drawing of the male reproductive system.
And I bet you like that drawing, huh? You want to frame it. Well, I know a nice framing shop. And the picture framers will know right off what I know. What's that? "Know what?" you say?
That you're gay! I got you, meathead! Light's green, you suck, pedal to the metal, dude lover!
5 comments:
as I read this out loud to Andy, I had to stop frequently to wipe the laugh tears from my eyes. you also won a few of andy's hearty laughs, the kind that are hard to get out of him. well done. this was superb.
one time someone thought I was trying to race them, but I was just revving the engine in order to keep time to Huey Lewis "Hip to Be Square".....and I felt hip to be square.
Shiloh, Those laughs are hard won. I have a calendar marked with just those laughs.
Andy, Nothing is faster than The News. Nothing.
You have green eyes?
I had a similiar experience next to a guy with a bullet bike. I drive a Stella scooter to work. He reved his engine next to me like he wanted to race. I had to remind him, "Hey I have scooter. What are you expecting from this race?"
He still sped away as fast as he could and proved to his "small" ego, he could beat a scooter.
Anyways great post!
Goku.
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