I'm terrible at a lot of things (sports, athletics, team activities involving winning) but I'm very terrible at two things in particular.
Numero #1 Wrapping Gifts
I actually have a sense of dread as I move towards the gift. I know that I will ultimately screw this up and make something nice that I thoughtfully purchased into a crapfest of shiny paper. I may as well put the gift into a McDonald's bag. In fact, I will only be buying people McGriddles from now on.
Numer #2 Buying Cards for Occasions
Thrice at work have I been sent to buy cards. I hate doing this BECAUSE cards never convey the complexity of human emotion or sentiment. That's why people spend so much time in the card aisle.
Because Get Well is not the same as "We're very sorry for what happened to you. I know you broke your face bones. What I really want to say is Geez, what a terrible thing. No amount of sentiment is going to stop the painful recovery." But instead we go, "I got you a card. It has a funny joke about urine samples on it."
These were my instructions for the three cards I was supposed to procur over the year.
CARD 1
Get something tasteful. But get it in one of those giant sized cards.
CARD 2
It's not a congrats on your baby card because she hasn't had the baby. But she's in the hospital with complications so its not really a Get Well card. So find a card for that.
CARD 3
She's in the hospital because of falling at work but let's not get her a get well card. Let's get her a "From All of Us" card.
As you can imagine, none of those cards exist. I could not find them.
The results:
CARD 1
I got a giant card with a huge cartoon whale on it that said, "Get Whale Soon". Not exactly tasteful. But in my mind, success.
CARD 2
I got a card that was a sort of Thank You card that we could all sign, and tell her how much we appreciate her. It was not approved. And I was taken off office card duty for a while.
CARD 3
I got a card with Lucy from I Love Lucy on it. It had her from the episode she's doing that commercial for the Megavitamin thing. Hilarious. Wasn't a big hit but I'm sticking by it.
I hate Hallmark.
i see you shaking your fist to the heavens while saying "haaaallllmmmaaaarrrrrkkkk!". is that accurate?
ReplyDeletealso, cartoon whales are the definition of tasteful.
Why on earth did they make YOU do this? Why didn't they ask you to write the cards instead? You would have had all those people in distress in stitches (in a good, laughing way). And I'm still waiting to hear about what you thought of Twilight...and if you read the entire series or just the first one.
ReplyDeleteFunny you should mention greeting cards. On Thursday, I went to a store entitled FUEGO (as in "fire" in espanol). They have AMAZING and hilarious cards that are all humorous and mostly making fun of the receiver of the cards. Probably not the best for serious people.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I think you definitely did great for what you had to buy cards.
Here in the Jell-O belt our crafty women MAKE THEIR OWN CARDS!!! Novel idea, isn't it? Then they write exactly what they want to say inside... Leave it to Mormon women. (I don't count, being a convert and all. And I'm afraid of papercuts.)
ReplyDeletehahahhaha
ReplyDeleteDid you even attempt to call a female friend or WIFE for help? ;-p
I'm just saying....
Yeah, you would've been better off just writing the cards. :)
ReplyDelete