Hey, baby. Are we going to do it like this? Me, out here on the lawn and you, like some jerk Rapunzel up there in our third floor window? No, I didn't mean you were a jerk. I meant Rapunzel in the fable seems like a jerk. Very aloof in her condo. Drying her hair with her birthday blow dryer. Watching The Bachelor while her boyfriend, The Prince, thinks about giving his rose to another lady. Another lady in this building, that he will promptly move in with so he can run into Rapunzel all the time in the hallways and parking structure. With his new happiness and his yoga body lady.
No! I'm talking about the Rapunzel story. At no point was that a metaphor.
Really?! You're throwing my clothes out the window? Do you want to be more cliche? Why don't you throw out...oh, there it is! My record collection. That's perfect. Let's all watch as my New Wave bounces and spins around me. Hopefully, a car comes down the street and runs over a few good throws. Of freaking course, a pizza delivery guy. Did you stage this? Are we being filmed? Is this the beginning of a movie where I move on a to a more emotionally rational girl or is this near the middle when you've had it with me, we're a mess, but the audience knows we're supposed to be together?
Because I don't think we're in the same movie. You think you're in some romantic comedy about a smart career woman who has a loser boyfriend. She thinks there's nothing better out there. She feels like her layabout boyfriend who is a musician on the verge of worldwide adoration doesn't appreciate her. But suddenly she meets Mr. Right. He's a new guy at work or at the gym or he walks his dog on her street. He's got a boyish charm but he's driven. He's making a lot of money but he doesn't flaunt it. He has a sailboat. His teeth are whitened. His parents are eccentric but when you meet them, they can't get over how perfect you are for him. And this guy's name is something classic like Daniel or Harrison. And the best thing about him is that he's the opposite of your lazy, musician boyfriend.
But here's the deal. I'm not in your crap movie. I'm Jason Bourne Bond Ocean's 11 mother loving Batman Selleck! Let me break this movie down for you. Open on me. Out of work data analyst or genius musician about to write the next Wonderwall? Or is he more? Look at the way his eyes flick from side to side, taking in everything. Are these super spy tactics? Or leftover drug paranoia? Go ahead, drop a coffee mug. He will snatch it out of the air with mindblowing reflexes. Do you need him to get the remote behind the couch without moving it? He's very flexible. Probably because he was trained in the CIA.
And what's his mission? To kill this guy named Daniel. Or Harrison. Because that douche is a spy. For Russia. In the 80's Russia. There's a time machine plot. And he's trying to get to this Musician Spy. Trying by making moves on his ex-girlfriend that he still totally loves! And if she loved him she would not throw his Fender OUT ONTO THE LAWN! Hey, I wrote you a song on that! You'll miss me! Daniel Harrison is not going to make you happy! Only I can with MY LEGEND VHS! Holy crap, we had our first make out to that! Ouch!
Baby, I'm bleeding. I didn't see my pewter Vader statue flying through the dark. I'm serious. I think I have a concussion. I need you to take care of me. For 3 to 5 days. Baby? What's happening on The Bachelor? Do you want to watch something with Hugh Grant? There's so much blood.
Really?! You're throwing my clothes out the window? Do you want to be more cliche? Why don't you throw out...oh, there it is! My record collection. That's perfect. Let's all watch as my New Wave bounces and spins around me. Hopefully, a car comes down the street and runs over a few good throws. Of freaking course, a pizza delivery guy. Did you stage this? Are we being filmed? Is this the beginning of a movie where I move on a to a more emotionally rational girl or is this near the middle when you've had it with me, we're a mess, but the audience knows we're supposed to be together?
Because I don't think we're in the same movie. You think you're in some romantic comedy about a smart career woman who has a loser boyfriend. She thinks there's nothing better out there. She feels like her layabout boyfriend who is a musician on the verge of worldwide adoration doesn't appreciate her. But suddenly she meets Mr. Right. He's a new guy at work or at the gym or he walks his dog on her street. He's got a boyish charm but he's driven. He's making a lot of money but he doesn't flaunt it. He has a sailboat. His teeth are whitened. His parents are eccentric but when you meet them, they can't get over how perfect you are for him. And this guy's name is something classic like Daniel or Harrison. And the best thing about him is that he's the opposite of your lazy, musician boyfriend.
But here's the deal. I'm not in your crap movie. I'm Jason Bourne Bond Ocean's 11 mother loving Batman Selleck! Let me break this movie down for you. Open on me. Out of work data analyst or genius musician about to write the next Wonderwall? Or is he more? Look at the way his eyes flick from side to side, taking in everything. Are these super spy tactics? Or leftover drug paranoia? Go ahead, drop a coffee mug. He will snatch it out of the air with mindblowing reflexes. Do you need him to get the remote behind the couch without moving it? He's very flexible. Probably because he was trained in the CIA.
And what's his mission? To kill this guy named Daniel. Or Harrison. Because that douche is a spy. For Russia. In the 80's Russia. There's a time machine plot. And he's trying to get to this Musician Spy. Trying by making moves on his ex-girlfriend that he still totally loves! And if she loved him she would not throw his Fender OUT ONTO THE LAWN! Hey, I wrote you a song on that! You'll miss me! Daniel Harrison is not going to make you happy! Only I can with MY LEGEND VHS! Holy crap, we had our first make out to that! Ouch!
Baby, I'm bleeding. I didn't see my pewter Vader statue flying through the dark. I'm serious. I think I have a concussion. I need you to take care of me. For 3 to 5 days. Baby? What's happening on The Bachelor? Do you want to watch something with Hugh Grant? There's so much blood.
Your blog randomly popped up on my screen and I am glad it did. This cracked me up. (Sorry if this is a true story and I am laughing at your emotional and physical pain.)
ReplyDeleteWe were considering naming our son Harrison. After this, I'm not too sure.
ReplyDeleteCarrie,
ReplyDeleteIt's not true one iota. So laugh away. I'm going to sneak over to your blog now and give it a look-see.
Ms. Sassy,
Go ahead and name him Harrison. I personally love the name Harrison. Because of Mr. Ford. Who I want to be my dad.