A History of Screen Crushes

Ally Sheedy

I don't know how I first saw Breakfast Club.  It wasn't in 85 because I was six years old then.  But I know I saw Ferris Bueller by the time I was ten so it must have happened by then.  Because Ally Sheedy, before anyone else, was my first crush.

And not Wargames or Short Circuit Ally Sheedy.  Not yet.  First it was weird, outsider Breakfast Club Ally Sheedy.  She was quirky, she was dark and mysterious.  I was young so I believed in stereotypes like Jock, Cheerleader, Freak, Nerd.

I was young but I knew Ally Sheedy was for me.  I laughed when she made her crazy lunch.  I liked how she did the odd things, like tie string around her finger to make it purple.  It felt childlike, uninhibited. She was so impulsive and ready to just say how she felt.  I crushed hard on her.

And later I would watch her in Short Circuit, and Made to Order, and Wargames over and over.  And I liked those movies.  But I was really watching Ally Sheedy.

Claire Danes

In the early 90s, I was obsessed with MTV just like any other kid.  I started to dabble in the music scene.  Having no older siblings to guide my music, Nirvana, of course, was my first real eye opener into a world of music to really dig.  I watched 120 Minutes, hung out at a record store, rode my bike down to the local independent radio station.

And around this time, My So Called Life premiered.  Truthfully, I don't even know how many episodes I watched.  And watching some clips of the show she was a lot more upbeat and cheery than I remember.  But I think I wanted to live in this world with her.  I wanted to be her cool boyfriend with cool hair and sheepskin collar jackets.  Looking back, I'm not sure it was her as much as the negative space around her that I wanted to fill.

I wanted a girl that cool and self-narrative.  That was beautiful but not girly.  Someone who dressed interesting and had hip modern music playing around us while we kissed.  She was a dreamer and an outsider and was obsessed with love.  I was young.  I was sure I was those things, too.

Melissa Joan Hart

Yep, I loved Clarissa.  I wanted her to Explain It All to me.  It was a quirky show and maybe telling that she was such an upbeat alternative to my two previous crushes.  It was a Nick show.  Of course she was upbeat.  I was also into sneaking out at the time.  I loved getting out of the house at night and walking in the dark.  I wanted a night time Clarissa to visit.

If you've seen the show, you'd know there's a dude named Sam who has access to a ladder that he can use to climb into Clarissa's window whenever he pleases.  As far as we know, he only does this when Clarissa is in the room.  But what if he's a perv and climbs up for tom-peepery when she doesn't know?

Anyway, Clarissa had a couple of traits that had already made an appearance in my crushes.  Cool, un-preppy clothing.  Outspoken and wellspoken.  Into interesting, off-kilter things.  Strong willed.

Loved Melissa Joan Hart.  First crush that I thought might be as old as me as well.  She's only three years older.  (Just found out Claire Danes is the same age as me. 10 days apart, in fact. What might have been...)

Minnie Driver

Is anyone seeing a connection here?  There's two things that attract me about girls before anything else.  Personality and hair.  Someone's guffawing, thinking: "Just say boobs and butts, you liar.  You were a teenage boy."  But I'm from Michigan.  Bodies were pretty covered up most of the year.

That long, kinky dark hair. That smile? The laugh that seems to surprise her? It killed me.  Good Will Hunting?  Of course.  So moody and passionate.  So ready to laugh.  Smart and funny.  Deeply smitten.  In deep smit.

But it was Grosse Point Blank that put me over the edge.  If you've seen that movie, how can you not be in love with her?  It's impossible.  She's so off the cuff and dripping personality.  She felt young and impulsive and ready for anything.  I wanted that.  I wanted someone to run away with me.  Maybe I was tired of myself a little then.  I wanted something fresh like Minnie Driver.

The Synthesis

It might have been inevitable.  I might have been doomed from when I met her.  Because Valerie was the single, most perfect crossroads of all these crushes.

She was endlessly fun.  She was smarter than me.  She was easy to be around.  She had the hair I loved, she had the willingness to get up and go at anytime.  She was well read, she was well spoken.  She was herself and no one else.

She was as unique as Ally Sheedy and as interesting as Claire Danes and as wry as Melissa Joan Hart and as magnetic as Minnie Driver.

Probably doomed.  I don't even know if I saw it all until years later.  Or maybe I did.  Maybe as soon as she refused to write down her number for me when we were standing in the Kirkham building foyer, I knew something.  Or maybe when she told me she wanted to throw her engagement ring into the ocean or when we slept in a train station in Italy together or when we drove into New York for the first time or the first time we fell asleep with the baby between us or just now when she smiled at me and didn't even know I was writing about her. I still have a crush.

Sticky Notes of Love

If I had had a teacher crush in elementary school, these letters are what I imagine they would be like.  Also, I just published in Limestone Journal, and if you go here, you'll see it says 'featuring' writing by me.  I like the idea of being featured.  I'm going to have people start announcing me at places.  When I have dinner with you, it'll be your regular dinner but Featuring James Best.  Alright, letters.

LOVE LETTERS

Ms. Havershaw,

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.  I bet it super blows.  I wouldn't know because I'm just a kid and my cognitive ability to understand long term consequences hasn't fully developed. But really, what a suckfest you must be having.  If you'll notice, I've left three sticky notes on the bottom of this note. Please respond with an answer as to how you will respond to my affections and a dinner date this Friday. I will have to be home by 8:30 though. Are you too sad to drive?

Love,

James

Dear James,

I have attached the "NO" sticky and underlined it twice.  Thank you for the thoughts on my divorce (it's a separation) but your letter was inappropriate.  Let's not bring your parents into this.  And please stop writing "James + Ms. H" on the chalkboard before I come in.

Mrs. not Ms. Havershaw

Mrs. Havershaw,

I looked up the word separation. Gotcha. So our love will be forbidden. Were you saying no to my affections or dinner? I should have left separate sticky notes options. Did I mention that this dinner was at the Great Skate roller rink?  I have saved up enough money from my paper route to buy us both two chili dogs, fries and refillable drinks.  They have pink lemonade on tap. It's like the only place in town. I'll usually drink like six of them and get so jazzed I can skate backwards at warp speed.

Skating to your heart,

James

To my student James,

I am writing you another letter since you pretended to be asleep standing up when I confronted you about this during recess. This has to stop.  You are a child. I am an adult.  I am sort of married to a man that used to care about me before Hooters was built near the airport.  I do admit that your devotion to me is cute but this is not right. Your letters must stop.  Thank you for drawing a picture of me eating a chili dog.

Your Teacher

My Love,

I loved what you said about Michigan history today. That was a very compelling story about the lumber boom in the Upper Peninsula.  Is there anything you don't know?  Speaking of history, I've acquired two flintlock pistols and I've contacted your 'husband' about a duel.  My crazy grandpa said I could use the pistols "as long as the love is pure enough". Ricky Turner is going to be my second.  We've been practicing with cap guns.  As soon as I blow away your buttbrains of a husband, we can be together.  I've drawn a preview of the duel.  I had to use two red crayons.

Your Gentleman Warrior,

James

James,

I called your parents and the principal.  We'll be meeting after school. This has gone too far.  I warned you and now this is going to go on your permanent record.  I'm sorry.  I know you mean well and you don't really understand the feelings you're feeling.  In a way, I wish you were my age.  I could use a man who stands up for me and doesn't laugh at me when the obscenely breasted Hooters waitress says, "Can I refill your A Cup? I mean your cup!"  You're a sweet kid.  I'd like to see Gary with a giant flesh crater in his chest like you depicted.  I hope your parents aren't too hard on you.  I've found our interchange to be creepy but sweet.

Ms. Havershaw

Linda,

Your name is so sweet on my tongue.  All day I wrote your last name over mine. James Havershaw, Mr. James Havershaw, Mr. Linda Havershaw.  I know why you did it.  I'll expect the firing squad at 2:45.  Propriety will keep us apart but at least I looked up the word propriety.  You are better than chocolate milk every day.  I will wait for you.  And if you are a thousand years old by the time I am twenty, than I will still marry your old bones.  Always, my love.

James Havershaw

P.S. I will be hiding in your car tonight in case you want to run away with me to Canada where there's no laws and you can love whomever you want, regardless of whether or not they have reached puberty.