My Version of Christmas

The other day I thought, "I should write a Christmas movie.  Because I'm abnormally jolly."  And because people love them and they really help people to get into the Christmas spirit. And I'm just the kind of guy who likes to give.  That's my thing. Giving.

So here's the opening to my Christmas movie.  I don't usually toot my own horn but I think I have the beginning of a real classic.  This is like It's a Wonderful Life meets a unicorn parade.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

It's Christmas Eve.  The hands of the grandfather clock move to 2:34.  Outside the hoar frosted window, the snow falls gently on white lawns and houses.  The Christmas tree blinks softly and beneath it are dozens of brightly wrapped gifts.  CHARLES MCKINLEY comes down the stairs, rubbing one of his eyes, and holding a tricycle with a bow.  In a dark corner of the room, we see the glow of a pipe.  And in that glow, we see Santa Claus, resting in an armchair, smoking a pipe.

CHARLES
Santa! What in the name of..Christmas are you doing here?

SANTA

I'm here for you, Charles.  We have some holiday business.

CHARLES

This is really you, right? I mean, I'm not about to get rape murdered by a mall santa?

SANTA

No, Charles. You have a been a good boy.

As Santa says this, he puts away his pipe and reaches for some cookies on the plate with the "For Santa" card on it.

CHARLES

That inflection was weird.  I'm still a little unsure.

SANTA

Consider yourself safe, Charles.  1 to 10, how's your Santa knowledge?  Would you stay standard American?

CHARLES

I might have to bone up but yeah. Kris Kringle, North Pole Residence, Sleigh and Reindeer?

SANTA

Yeah. Not bad.  And you know that Santa knows who's good and who's bad, right?  That he has this demigod power to judge all the people of the earth according to a simple black or white model of justice?

CHARLES

Yeah, but I never really believed...

SANTA

In what? Me?  The Jolly Elf?  Well, holy Blitzen, here I am. And if I'm here, I must have that crazy power.

Santa grabs the glass of milk and downs it.  When he looks back at Charles, his mustache is covered in frothy moo juice.

SANTA

I can see inside your soul, Charles.

CHARLES

So why are you talking to me? I appreciate it.  Despite the fact that my world real vs myth cosmology is super out of whack now...

SANTA

Oh, it's weirder than you think. Sasquatch is real. We're buddies. Tooth fairy is real.  She's a space demon.  I've been trying to kill that #$%@& for years...

CHARLES

Stop! I don't want to know this. Why are you here?

SANTA

Charles, I know who's good, right? And to those people I give presents.  Do you know what I give to who's bad?

CHARLES

Coal, right?

SANTA

Damn straight.

Santa pulls out a giant all black Magnum 357 pistol from his bag of presents.  Etched into the handle in fancy silver cursive it reads "COAL".

SANTA

You see, Charles, I took over this Santa gig about 70 years ago, there's a longer lifespan perk, don't worry about it, and since then I have executed the wicked with extreme prejudice.  I've done things...

Santa shudders. He spins the chamber nervously. Takes a bullet out.  It's clear and sparkles red and green.

CHARLES

I never knew.  I just thought Santa was all elves and ho, ho, ho.

SANTA

That's where you come in, Charles.  I admired your work in Delta Force. You have a good heart but you were still a murder machine out there. So I'm here to offer you a job.  As the new Santa.

CHARLES

What? I couldn't.  I have a family. And my job.

SANTA

Well, if you won't do it for Santa, will you do it for your Commander-in-Chief?  Look closely.

Charles looks intently at Santa's face.  The camera pulls in closer.

CHARLES

FDR?! But you died...70 years ago...

SANTA

Nope. I just got a new New Deal.

Generic 80's butt rock music plays.  Title screen: Spelled out in candy cane letters: SANTA'S SLAY.  Blood drips off the candy canes.

Jobs I Would Be Terrible At

I don't know if I've had a job I was amazing at really. I'm kind of a dreamer. I really only want ever want to be writing. When I was a waiter, I would stand off to the side of my tables jotting down poems in my notebook. When I was a cashier, I would write dialogue on the back of receipt paper. Most of my jobs I've gotten by with a smile and a joke. Here's some other jobs I'm sure I'd be terrible at.

 DOCTOR

There's Dr. Best barely listening to his patients.  He wears the appropriate "sad and understanding" face as they tell him their problems but where good doctors would hear the vital details that lead them to the diagnosis, Dr. Best is thinking of dolphins.  Wouldn't he like to have a dolphin baby?  Surely as a doctor, he has enough money to construct a giant pool for his dolphin child?  How would we drive his aqua boy to the vet?  A van filled with water?  Maybe a waterproof convertible?  Uh-oh, Dr. Best.  Your patient is in cardiac arrest.

LAWYER

Look at James Best, Esq.  He sure looks dapper in that suit.  He spent way more time picking out this suit than he did reading all the necessary case work for this trial.  He only does jury trials because this is the only place he even seems like a competent lawyer.  He likes to lean on the jury box, half wink at the moms and single ladies he's loaded the jury with.  He's already used a couple of sports analogies to win over the sports guys.  He put on a somber and serious face so the ex-cop in the jury knew that he's serious and he really understands life.  When he thinks he's got them, he sits down and writes out a funny scene between two men in quicksand on the back of his case files.  He decides to overrule something just so he looks interested.

FIREFIGHTER

James the Firefighter.  Why did he join up?  60 percent for sliding down the pole. 30 percent to ride the big red engine.  10 percent to smile at ladies in the grocery store while he's wearing his fireman togs.  He's the only one on his crew who calls them togs.  Let's see a typical fire with James.  There's James holding the firehose.  He likes the way the fire spills into any open space.  He kind of lets go of the terror and seriousness of the scene and thinks about how the char is like a reverse snowflake.  How the fire is an insatiable hunger, how it would eat everything its hot hands could reach.  Or maybe its insatiable thirst, how only enough water or rain can ever make it sleep.  He reaches for a pen to jot this down and the hose bucks in his hands, spraying all the onlookers.

RACE CAR DRIVER

Nope, I would die. Straight up day dream myself right into a mega flip and keep on going right into the afterlife.

Painting from here.