So I've been noticing a recent trend in our photos. We (which until recently meant Me and Val) have turned up in a lot less pictures together. It's usually this new combination: Edie and Val or Edie and James. When I was younger I thought it was a little weird and discouraging that couples as soon as they had a baby stop being in pictures together as much. That this baby thing has come between them. I thought it was a sign of decreasing love between the couple.
Then I learned the secret: Babies suck at taking pictures. Their small motor skills are atrocious and they try to push the buttons with their mouths. It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed that my child is such a luddite.
So inevitably, either me or Val have to take the picture. And then Edie is such a narcissist she has to be in everything. Sometimes the only way to shut her up so she'll sleep is to set up a soothing photo shoot. Babies are the worst. I wish we'd created an adult. Like a Neil Patrick Harris.
This is a rough segue into a conversation I was having with a friend about Empty Nesters. And here's the thing, before I launch into this, I don't have any advice for anyone. This is not a life philosophy I think you should abide by. I don't have those. I'm a guy who makes jokes about dolphins and Robocop.
It's just I know of this couple that put their whole lives into their kids. Which sounds noble. But when the kids were finally gone, they sank into this crazy depression. And their health deteriorated quickly and it was just a sad sight to see. They literally had nothing outside of their kids. And I'm baffled by this.
I wrote a post about Valerie and all the things she does. I literally worked on four different writing projects today before noon. And the end is nowhere in sight. Val was writing down notes on a short film cut while Edie slept. I was restructuring a script while she slept.
And these are just our SUMMER PLANS! I'm not saying, "Oh, look at us. We're soooooo busy. We're sooooo great." We're not. But we have a life's worth of plans. How will we run out? How could our lives get less full?
Because here's the thing. Children are a blessing. A responsibility. Something entrusted to you by God. (That's what Mormons believe.) But you also have a responsibility to yourself. To become better. To increase. To learn and grow and create the You you're striving for.
Valerie told me once that she didn't want to raise a daughter to believe in her dreams and aspirations when she herself gave them up. Because what kind of message is that to her daughter? So Valerie's goal (and she could explain it better than me) is to be the person she always dreamed of being. And by striving for that person, her children will know it is possible and will strive to become that as well.
I want the same thing as Valerie. I don't want to be known as their Dad. That's part of my identity. That's a role I've taken on. But James Best is bigger than that. I'm the sum of many parts.
I know that More Kids = More Time. We only have one kid. To bigger families, that seems like a hobby. I know that demands grow. But I don't think you should lose track of you. Of identity. Obviously, it's dangerous.
Stanley Kunitz, the poet, lived to be 99 years old. And up until his dying day, he taught. He had thousands of students in his lifetime. And some of his most amazing work came in his later years. He stayed young because he had life. He had things to give. He had excitement and love and warmth around him. He had a purpose. He knew himself.
I think I would like to end my life like Stanley Kunitz. Surrounded by all that I've gathered.
