The continuing saga of text messages between me and my baby.
EDIE: Hey, have you noticed something weird about Mom?
POP: Does she have another man? What do you know? I knew I
was never good enough for her. Let’s kill him.
EDIE: No, I was just saying she was gone. That’s weird, right? Like where is she?
POP: Oh, she’s gone for the weekend. I’m watching you. No big deal.
EDIE: How long is a weekend? I don’t understand time and space!
Do you know nothing about babies?
POP: I really don’t. I hated hanging around babies before
you. I hated pictures of them even more.
EDIE: You’re a monster.
POP: And yet you stick around.
EDIE: I can’t open doors,
dummy. I’m a prisoner. A prisoner with a nice Mommy Warden and an
evil Pop Guard.
POP: Are you still mad I took away that bottle of aspirin?
EDIE: It made a wonderful rattley noise! Why do you poop on my happiness?
POP: That’s disgusting and I’m protecting you.
EDIE: You’re stifling me.
I demand you unchildproof this house.
POP: I demand you never like Dora!
EDIE: I don’t even know who
that is because you keep me locked in a tower!
POP: It’s called a house and she’s a little annoying girl
with a football head that keeps company with a filthy monkey and is always
trying to push Spanish on me! You can
never like her!
EDIE: I’ll like her just to spite you! Now show me Mom!
POP: I can’t. She’s gone.
EDIE: She left me?! Forever? Waaaaaaaaaaaah!
POP: Why are you spelling out your crying? Why aren’t you just crying?
EDIE: I express myself better electronically. I pour my emotions into my thumbs.
POP: I’m taking away that phone. You’re too attached to it.
EDIE: Then how will I call Mom?
POP: You’ve never actually
called Mom. You’re talking to Siri. She’s a robot.
EDIE: Whew. I thought
Mom had a ‘phone voice’. I was worried
she would need a weirdo intervention.
POP: She’ll be back tomorrow. Go to sleep.
EDIE: I don’t feel safe. Hold me.
POP: I’m sorry, baby. Of
course I’ll hold you. I’m coming.
~ 2 Minutes Later ~
POP: You threw a Glow Worm
at me!
EDIE: Siri told me to do
it! She said it would knock you
unconscious and then we could use your body as a ladder to escape the crib.
POP: You’re in big trouble. You’re getting no treats tomorrow!
EDIE: You’ll cave!
You’re weak! You’re no Mom! I’ll be shoving my face full of craisins by
sun up!
POP: I’m going to get you a
new Mom. A mean one that never wants to
snuggle you.
EDIE: Good luck. Mom already told me she’s getting me a new
Dad.
POP: I knew it! It’s
not just paranoia. What is it? Am I
overweight? Do I talk about nerd movies
too much? Is it how much I like
poetry? Do I need to become a
lumberjack?
EDIE: Goodnight, Former Dad.
I’m sleepy.
POP: Answer me!
EDIE: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
POP: You typed a bunch of Z’s. You’re not actually asleep.
