The continuing saga of text messages
between me and my baby.
EDIE: The Vanderbilt Mansion tour
really opened my eyes, Pop.
POP: Oh yeah? I thought it
was a fascinating look into the Gilded Age. What did you learn?
EDIE: That we're poor.
POP: Compared to that,
everybody's poor.
EDIE: If you loved me, my bath
would be made of marble with piped in salt water.
POP: That's not how you prove
love.
EDIE: I'm giving you the easy
route. What I want is for you to become a Railroad Baron and buy me
Montana.
POP: There's no such thing as
Railroad Barons any more. It's called anti-trust laws.
EDIE: I anti-trust your love for
me! Why aren't my onesies gold leafed?
POP: Because we have a normal
amount of money. I'm not an heir to a fortune.
EDIE: Which means I'm not an heir
either? This is bogus. I live in a hovel.
POP: You live in a nice New
England apartment. We have a butler's pantry.
EDIE: The Vanderbilt mansion had
a butler's pantry, too. That could fit our entire apartment.
POP: Well, if you love the
Vanderbilts so much, why don't you get them to adopt you?
EDIE: Why don't you shut up and get me
some gold bullion to teeth on?
POP: That's it. We're going to
visit a third world country now. So you can see how good we have it.
EDIE: My life is third world!
POP: I just toweled you off, put
lotion on your apple cheeks, sang to you while I diapered you, turned on your
space heater, put you in your soft sleep sack and made sure you had a pacifier
and your stuffed duck in your crib so you could sleep soundly. Please tell me
what is third world about that.
EDIE: I'm anemic.
POP: We're giving you iron supplements for that!
EDIE: Ok, so I'm pampered.
But not Vanderbilt pampered. I just want to feel like an heiress.
POP: Alright. I was waiting till
you were older but your Mom and I are loaded.
EDIE: Really? Oh, I'm so
glad.
POP: We didn't want you to act
like a spoiled brat so we were hiding all of our wealth from you.
EDIE: I promise I won't.
Just go ahead and shower me with it. I will stay absolutely the same.
POP: Ok, I'm going to bring in
just a sample of our outrageous fortune. I'll put it in your crib.
EDIE: Oh, I can't wait. I'm
going to be so rich yet grounded. I will not flaunt my riches when I
cruise over the city in my solid gold zeppelin.
~MINUTES LATER~
POP: Are you impressed?
EDIE: Is there supposed to be
money in this book? I can't find it.
POP: That's our riches, Edie.
Books. Hundreds of books. Unlimited knowledge is wealth
incalculable.
EDIE: I hate you hippies.
Even my tears taste poor.
