The continuing saga of text messages between me and my baby.
EDIE: Let's eat some ice cream.
POP: It's 4:30 in the morning. Go to sleep.
EDIE: I was dreaming about ice cream and then I woke up and remembered that you have to get stuff for me. Like ice cream.
POP: I don't have to get you crap. Sleep.
EDIE: That's a bad word. I'm telling.
POP: My filter is off. It's early. I'm sorry. Please sleep.
EDIE: Why are there so many different kinds of ice cream? Have I tried them all? What a magical world I live in!
POP: No, you have not. Nobody has. Except maybe Ben and Jerry. But they're like fat ice cream wizards.
EDIE: Ooooh. Ben and Jerry. Those are beautiful names. Let's visit them. Wake up Mom. We're going on a journey.
POP: How about I just buy you some Ben and Jerry's ice cream tomorrow?
EDIE: No. I want to meet the freezy wizards of iced deliciousness. Get your pants on, Pop.
POP: I have pants on. I always wear pants. Where are you learning these phrases?
EDIE: I have insomnia. Sometimes I watch old tv shows.
POP: You do not have insomnia. You sleep like a snuggly rock.
EDIE: Those are dreams, too? This dream stuff is trippy. How do I know what's real?
POP: Tell me some dreams and I'll help you out.
EDIE: Alright. Has your face ever turned into yogurt and I licked it and licked it until it looked like a mirror?
POP: That's a dream.
EDIE: I thought it was odd the next morning when I licked your face and it tasted like Oil of Olay.
EDIE: Relax, Pop. I wasn't judging you. I was just thinking maybe you could get some manlier lotion. Okay, next. I was sitting at the table and you and Mom were arguing about your spirit animals.
POP: Nope. That was real.
EDIE: You said your spirit animal was a squirrel made of lasers?
POP: I said that because I said squirrel and Valerie said, "My spirit animal is whatever eats squirrels. So like a panther." And so I had to change it! To laser squirrel!
EDIE: You don't really believe in spirit animals, do you? Like, I don't have to believe them, do I? I'm pretty normal.
POP: No. It was jokes. We're not kooks.
EDIE: Alright. Just checking. So these ice cream wizards? Are they cool? Will they share their ice cream kingdom with us?
POP: That's a good question. I hear they are benevolent sovereigns to those friendly to dairy. But I hear they are vicious warriors against the Cows of Genetically Modified Land.
EDIE: I want to be a warrior! Does it pay it in ice cream?
POP: I imagine you could negotiate your warrior salary.
POP: Well, we have to follow the Rocky Road past Cherry Garcia Forest through the Peanut Butter Cup Caves and we'll have to fight Chubby Hubby and his army of Chunky Monkeys...
EDIE: You're making this up. There's no Ice Cream Kingdom. Ben and Jerry aren't real.
POP: No. I'm not. They're real. We can google them-
EDIE: This isn't a dream. This is a nightmare. I'm going back to sleep.
POP: Noooo, Edie. I'm sorry. I was just having fun. There's really a Ben and Jerry and they have mountains of ice cream-
EDIE: You broke my little heart.
POP: Baby, I'm getting us ice cream right now. Any time is a good time for ice cream. What's 4:30 in the morning to your Pop?
EDIE: We'll see. I'll be clutching my teddy bear, Zelda Fitzbearald, to hold onto something real in this world. I've had enough of your frozen lies.
POP: I'll be right there with ice cream. We have Peppermint!
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EDIE: Pop is such a sucker.
MOM: Tell me something I don't know. Goodnight.
