You may have suspected.
You may not have wanted to say anything.
Because you respected us. Because
maybe we couldn’t tell you. But there
was just something unspoken about us, right?
You looked at me and Val and thought, “The pieces don’t exactly fit.” And you’d be right.
It’s like you thought.
We’re spies.
Yes. Agents. Undercover.
We’re a power couple in the most real sense of the word. Because we’re packing power. I have a Beretta. Valerie prefers a HK45 Compact.
Spy couple. Well,
we’re on spy retirement for now. (Or are
we trying to throw you and evil governments off our trail?) But we want to congratulate you for
discovering our clever secret. The US
government commends your deduction.
Let’s hope they don’t kill you because of it.
Let’s review some things you might have figured out on your
own that made you suspicious. Now that we’ve moved to “Boston” we can reveal a
few things.
1)
TWO ARTISTS LIVING TOGETHER IN NEW YORK – Weird,
right? How are they living there? How are they paying their rent?
Where’s James at? Oh, he’s at some crazy job in ‘television’
where he works like 15 hours a day. He’s
at a ‘poetry reading’.
Where’s Valerie? Oh, she has ‘class’. She’s at ‘auditions’. She’s in a ‘play’.
Yeah, right. You saw through all that. We were usually murdering foreign dictators. Mostly with household goods. Valerie is
an expert with crockery execution.
2)
YOU WERE MARRIED SEVEN YEARS WITH NO BABY? –
Suspicious. Do you know how complicated
jumping onto a helicopter railing is while being pregnant? I’ll never know. But Valerie had to make some very tough womb
decisions. Does Kevlar cover different
gestational periods? What if we had to
set up a sniper’s nest and we ran out of snacks? Pregnant ladies get crazy hungry. So we had to wait. The country’s freedom was our baby.
3)
THAT BABY DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU – You got
us. It’s not exactly our baby. It’s a super-baby built in a lab that Valerie
bravely volunteered to carry like an ever-growing roll of microfiche. It’s sort of a cover, it’s sort of a science
experiment. What you think is chubby
legs and cheeks are protein sacks that will be converted into super-strength
muscles as she gets older. She can
already lift our fridge. Valerie and I
love Edie just as much as you can love a science freak.
HOW OUR SPY RELATIONSHIP WORKS
Valerie
She does all the master of
disguise stuff. Her acting skills are
formidable and she has even fooled me sometimes. She’s like a female Jason Bourne, too. You
may think she’s sweet, but there are tigers sleeping in her fists and two
grizzlies in her delicate feet. She also has a rhino in her forehead and two
sullen goats in her kneecaps.
James
Oh, I take care of sniper stuff
and body disposal and stunt driving and gun fights and making fake ID badges
and maps and finding hideouts and watching our back and throwing star retrieval
and that move where you clonk two guards heads together and picking proper pump
up music and general high ranking official homicide.
HOW WE KEEP THE ROMANCE ALIVE
We just don’t bring our work home
with us. We have never, I repeat NEVER,
assassinated anyone at home. That’s a
rule. But when we are working we have fun.
When we’re staked out on some lonely mountainside waiting to shoot our
Javelin missile, we play a lot of card games.
Sometimes we sing old folk songs in rounds. We have a novel we’re working on together. Then we blow up that evil world leader into
human tomato soup and get home. To our
super lab baby, Edie. Who is being
groomed to be the President of the United States and the Moon.
ISN’T THIS BLOG POST BLOWING YOUR
COVER?
No. Because who reads blogs, really? Not bad guys.
Just our friends. And really, any
information about us that those bad guys
need will probably be tortured out of you.
Good luck with that. A hint from
some pros. It’s good to think about
something else. And fingernails grow
back.
