Letter to My Pen Pal, Jack #1

I've decided to use my new alias Rod Wolfbike for good. I'm going to post letters to my buddy Jack Howington complete with awesome pictures I steal off the internet. This letter will be a bit of a repeat of the other one I did but it'll make sense. And it's mostly for Jack anyway. So back off.

Jack,

My name is Rod Wolfbike. I'm in this program called Big Brother where I will become your surrogate Big Brother.

Why? Because I got in trouble with someone named Johnny Law. Because the world doesn't see my drunken vigilantism as a godsend to their corrupt backwater pigtown. Because I was assigned to your family because your dad Ben is too busy living it up with his rock band while your poor sweet mother is home getting stoned on Chick-Fil-A sandwiches. Its those pickles. The vinegar is made with crank.

So you trust me, I've included a sweet picture of me. Oh, I'm sorry, yes, I AM a

samurai. Wait, maybe you don't know what that is. Because you're six. And Dora doesn't explore Samurai culture. Only crappy hispanic culture. Which has no warriors to speak of. Besides Luchadors. Which I have fought. To the death.

Samurai were an ancient Japanese sect of warriors. They carried two swords. Because ninjas only carry one sword. And it was a good way to tell us apart. Here's an actual picture of one. From Clan Belushi.

We follow something called Bushido. Which stopped us from murdering ladies and house cats. Unlike ninjas. Who are jerkholes and will just kill your cat without even blinking. Even when you invite them over for dinner. They do not care about feelings. Here's a ninja.

They all look like boy band rejects. Anyway, I'll be stopping by pretty soon. I'll bring you some throwing stars. You can play catch with them. Teach your sisters. And maybe we'll go out and fight some bad guys. Gang members or census takers. See you soon, Little Brother. I'll be the cool guy pulling up on a bullet bike. You'll know me by the leather jacket embroidered with Japanese symbols.

Stay Bushido Jack.

Your Big Brother/Protector,

Rod Wolfbike

Last surviving member of the Kagekatsu/Wolfbike Clan