Letter to My Pen Pal, Jack #1

I've decided to use my new alias Rod Wolfbike for good. I'm going to post letters to my buddy Jack Howington complete with awesome pictures I steal off the internet. This letter will be a bit of a repeat of the other one I did but it'll make sense. And it's mostly for Jack anyway. So back off.

Jack,

My name is Rod Wolfbike. I'm in this program called Big Brother where I will become your surrogate Big Brother.

Why? Because I got in trouble with someone named Johnny Law. Because the world doesn't see my drunken vigilantism as a godsend to their corrupt backwater pigtown. Because I was assigned to your family because your dad Ben is too busy living it up with his rock band while your poor sweet mother is home getting stoned on Chick-Fil-A sandwiches. Its those pickles. The vinegar is made with crank.

So you trust me, I've included a sweet picture of me. Oh, I'm sorry, yes, I AM a

samurai. Wait, maybe you don't know what that is. Because you're six. And Dora doesn't explore Samurai culture. Only crappy hispanic culture. Which has no warriors to speak of. Besides Luchadors. Which I have fought. To the death.

Samurai were an ancient Japanese sect of warriors. They carried two swords. Because ninjas only carry one sword. And it was a good way to tell us apart. Here's an actual picture of one. From Clan Belushi.

We follow something called Bushido. Which stopped us from murdering ladies and house cats. Unlike ninjas. Who are jerkholes and will just kill your cat without even blinking. Even when you invite them over for dinner. They do not care about feelings. Here's a ninja.

They all look like boy band rejects. Anyway, I'll be stopping by pretty soon. I'll bring you some throwing stars. You can play catch with them. Teach your sisters. And maybe we'll go out and fight some bad guys. Gang members or census takers. See you soon, Little Brother. I'll be the cool guy pulling up on a bullet bike. You'll know me by the leather jacket embroidered with Japanese symbols.

Stay Bushido Jack.

Your Big Brother/Protector,

Rod Wolfbike

Last surviving member of the Kagekatsu/Wolfbike Clan

Why I Can't Be in the Big Brother Program #1

When I'm supposed to be working on one writing project my mind wanders to the next project. And when all those projects are too big and mind-consuming for an early morning wait at the airport, I tend to write something silly. This is why I can never have a pen pal or be in the Big Brother program. My propensity to fabricate when there are no immediate consequences. Here's what I think my Big Brother letters would look like.

Dear Conner,

I got your letter. You sound really cool. Sorry about your dad. Your mom sounds like a real nice lady. I loved 5th grade, too. My teacher, Mrs. Abernathy, was great. She was British and drank a lot of tea. She got me addicted to the stuff. Don't get hooked on tea.

What can I tell you about myself? Well, I'm a samurai. Do you know what that is? Well, a samurai is a Japanese warrior who follows a strict code of ethics called bushido. If you can't pronounce it, don't worry. I couldn't pronounce your last name. Samurai wear armor and carry two swords. Which is much more boss than carrying one sword like those sissy ninjas.

Already, I'm sure you have questions. How can I wear swords in public? Easy. Trenchcoats. People stay away from trenchcoat folk. Because they're usually flashers. Which means they are opportunistically naked. Or I just keep my swords strapped to my motorcycle. Which sort of hampers my street justice radius, but I just try to park my motorcycle near danger.

What else? Oh, armor. Do I wear the old timey samurai plate armor? No, I'm more of the Seven Samurai, hang out in cotton kimono type of samurai. Have you seen Seven Samurai? If not, tell your Mom it's cool. Your Big Brother says so. Tell her I would commit seppuku if it wasn't.

What's your home life like? Is your dad an evil warlord/doesn't pay child support? Because I'm always looking for a cause. In exchange for some egg rolls. I'm really into egg rolls. Are there any bullies in your class? I could totally scare them with my wakazashi. (That's one of my two swords.) What's your single mom like? Does she need me to get feudal on the kingdom that holds her mortgage? Does she like motorcycles? What about debt?

Stay bushido, Conner. Big Brother out.

Love,

James Wolfbike

Last surviving member of the Kagekatsu/Wolfbike clan