Jobs I Would Be Terrible At

I don't know if I've had a job I was amazing at really. I'm kind of a dreamer. I really only want ever want to be writing. When I was a waiter, I would stand off to the side of my tables jotting down poems in my notebook. When I was a cashier, I would write dialogue on the back of receipt paper. Most of my jobs I've gotten by with a smile and a joke. Here's some other jobs I'm sure I'd be terrible at.

 DOCTOR

There's Dr. Best barely listening to his patients.  He wears the appropriate "sad and understanding" face as they tell him their problems but where good doctors would hear the vital details that lead them to the diagnosis, Dr. Best is thinking of dolphins.  Wouldn't he like to have a dolphin baby?  Surely as a doctor, he has enough money to construct a giant pool for his dolphin child?  How would we drive his aqua boy to the vet?  A van filled with water?  Maybe a waterproof convertible?  Uh-oh, Dr. Best.  Your patient is in cardiac arrest.

LAWYER

Look at James Best, Esq.  He sure looks dapper in that suit.  He spent way more time picking out this suit than he did reading all the necessary case work for this trial.  He only does jury trials because this is the only place he even seems like a competent lawyer.  He likes to lean on the jury box, half wink at the moms and single ladies he's loaded the jury with.  He's already used a couple of sports analogies to win over the sports guys.  He put on a somber and serious face so the ex-cop in the jury knew that he's serious and he really understands life.  When he thinks he's got them, he sits down and writes out a funny scene between two men in quicksand on the back of his case files.  He decides to overrule something just so he looks interested.

FIREFIGHTER

James the Firefighter.  Why did he join up?  60 percent for sliding down the pole. 30 percent to ride the big red engine.  10 percent to smile at ladies in the grocery store while he's wearing his fireman togs.  He's the only one on his crew who calls them togs.  Let's see a typical fire with James.  There's James holding the firehose.  He likes the way the fire spills into any open space.  He kind of lets go of the terror and seriousness of the scene and thinks about how the char is like a reverse snowflake.  How the fire is an insatiable hunger, how it would eat everything its hot hands could reach.  Or maybe its insatiable thirst, how only enough water or rain can ever make it sleep.  He reaches for a pen to jot this down and the hose bucks in his hands, spraying all the onlookers.

RACE CAR DRIVER

Nope, I would die. Straight up day dream myself right into a mega flip and keep on going right into the afterlife.

Painting from here.