Olympics! Day 2 - My Allegiances and Qualifying Heats Tease Me

SPORT REPORT

Qualifying Heats

Ugh.  I get it.  Not everyone can compete in the final.  The pool would look like everyone dropped off the Titanic while wearing rubber hats.  So you have to qualify people. Eliminate enough to make it manageable.  Even though it seems cruel and something very egalitarian within me balks against it.  It feels too brutal to be excluded before you even get close to the medal.  Though I guess you are close.  You're at the freaking Olympics.

But excluding the human element of hopes and dreams, these heats are brutal.  FOR ME!  I want the main event!  Stop teasing me with these lap swims!  I get all worked up for nothing.  I'm watching the magical World Record line race in front of them and I'm going crazy, jumping up and down, yelling across the Atlantic for them to go faster and then I'm all let down because it was just a stupid heat.  They were going 75 percent.  They were thinking about the taco party the Olympic Village is having at lunchtime.

It's killing me.  The athletes are not thinking ABOUT ME at all.  I'm their fan.  I'm why they are at the Olympics, right?  Human endurance and achievement is just a sham.  They are doing it so I can run into them at the mall and give them a wicked high five and tell them how sweet they were at doing sport stuff.

Finals or nothing, Olympic Committee.  Knock off the foreplay.

SPECIAL OLYMPIC MATTER FOR DISCUSSION

Allegiances

The Olympics are so unifying and segregating at the same time.  On one hand, I'm like, "Go World! Let's unify in Sport!' But on the other hand, I'm all like, "Death to all who oppose us! USA forever!"  It's a hard balance.

So I've decided on a hierarchy of countries I root for. And a few countries to treat as villains.  My hierarchy works like this.  1) If the US is involved, everyone else can suck it.  I'm rooting for the home team  2) If the US is involved and Hierarchy teams then I hope the US gets gold but the other teams medal  3) if no US, hierarchy teams get my roots and hollers 4) if no hierarchy teams are involved, I pick a winner based on how kind the athletes look

Here's my hierarchy:

HERO TEAMS
1) USA (of course)
2) Canada/Mexico (sister countries, North America rulez!)
3) Great Britain (you should always root for the home team)
4) Tiny Countries that don't get medals usually like Togo

VILLAIN TEAMS
1) China (oppressors)
2) France (swimming buttholes)
3) North Korea (Kim Jong Jerks)