Olympics! Day 3 - Why I Hate Tennis and Work is Interfering with My Patriotism

SPORT REPORT

Tennis is for White People

So I tried to watch Tennis this morning before I went to work.  Andy Roddick was playing.  When I turned it on he wasn't doing anything.  He just kept wiping off his brow and checking different tennis balls.  It went on for at least two minutes.  And the whole while the announcer was telling the other announcer some story about him and Roddick driving some car with his model babe Brooklyn.  The camera would keep panning back to the other player who was ready to play.  Who looked nervous (Roddick was trouncing him) and kept shifting back and forth while Roddick kept motioning the towel girl over so he could wipe his brow.

I think that moment has finally solidified my hate for tennis.

Listen, I'm annoyingly pinkoish sometimes, I know.  I'm a classicist.  But hear me out.  Tennis is such a rich kid sport.  So many other sports require so little.  Soccer is just a ball.  It can be played anywhere.  But tennis requires a special ball, a special racquet, a special court with a special net.  And then it requires special friends with special trust funds that have special yachts that take you to special islands that house special bomb shelters that will one day protect the specials from special nukes.  But thankfully, there will be a special bunker for the ball boys and girls, too.

It's fine.  You can like it.  Not every sport has to be some egalitarian poor man's sport.  And hey, I know really, these days, none of them are. Every sport is dominated by millionaires.  Oliver Twist isn't going to be a designated hitter.  But I just can't do tennis.  It's too blatant.  They might as well just wear clothes made out of money and hit around gold bullion.

You suck, Andy Roddick, go drink some spring water, you blue blood.  Federer? You seem okay.

SPECIAL OLYMPIC MATTER TO DISCUSS

Work is Getting in the Way of My Patriotism

What's with work?  And why is it interfering with the Olympics?  Shouldn't this be like a world holiday?  We should be at home, supporting our athletes.  I have lots of red,white, and blue foods to eat.  I need the time to use my athletic inspiration towards working out.  I'm getting fatter because I'm anxious eating.  Chocolate. That's what you make me eat, Men's Gymnastic Team.  Chocolate bars.  I'm typing this as I'm watching the Men's team.

It's too much.  I can't think.  I'm too nervous for them.  How can I work tomorrow?  I spent this whole morning being upset about Jordyn Wieber.  If the men don't do it, I'll punch a Chinese gymnast.  The first Chinese gymnast I see on the street tomorrow gets a clobber.

It's the World's Stage.  We have to watch this together.  The world should stop and we should join together in the brotherhood of sport.

Oh, man. ENGLAND JUST GOT THE BRONZE OR SILVER I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS GOING ON!  They are so excited.  The crowd is so pumped!  I love the Olympics!

Sorry, US guys.  I have to go to bed. I can't take this.

Olympics! Day 2 - My Allegiances and Qualifying Heats Tease Me

SPORT REPORT

Qualifying Heats

Ugh.  I get it.  Not everyone can compete in the final.  The pool would look like everyone dropped off the Titanic while wearing rubber hats.  So you have to qualify people. Eliminate enough to make it manageable.  Even though it seems cruel and something very egalitarian within me balks against it.  It feels too brutal to be excluded before you even get close to the medal.  Though I guess you are close.  You're at the freaking Olympics.

But excluding the human element of hopes and dreams, these heats are brutal.  FOR ME!  I want the main event!  Stop teasing me with these lap swims!  I get all worked up for nothing.  I'm watching the magical World Record line race in front of them and I'm going crazy, jumping up and down, yelling across the Atlantic for them to go faster and then I'm all let down because it was just a stupid heat.  They were going 75 percent.  They were thinking about the taco party the Olympic Village is having at lunchtime.

It's killing me.  The athletes are not thinking ABOUT ME at all.  I'm their fan.  I'm why they are at the Olympics, right?  Human endurance and achievement is just a sham.  They are doing it so I can run into them at the mall and give them a wicked high five and tell them how sweet they were at doing sport stuff.

Finals or nothing, Olympic Committee.  Knock off the foreplay.

SPECIAL OLYMPIC MATTER FOR DISCUSSION

Allegiances

The Olympics are so unifying and segregating at the same time.  On one hand, I'm like, "Go World! Let's unify in Sport!' But on the other hand, I'm all like, "Death to all who oppose us! USA forever!"  It's a hard balance.

So I've decided on a hierarchy of countries I root for. And a few countries to treat as villains.  My hierarchy works like this.  1) If the US is involved, everyone else can suck it.  I'm rooting for the home team  2) If the US is involved and Hierarchy teams then I hope the US gets gold but the other teams medal  3) if no US, hierarchy teams get my roots and hollers 4) if no hierarchy teams are involved, I pick a winner based on how kind the athletes look

Here's my hierarchy:

HERO TEAMS
1) USA (of course)
2) Canada/Mexico (sister countries, North America rulez!)
3) Great Britain (you should always root for the home team)
4) Tiny Countries that don't get medals usually like Togo

VILLAIN TEAMS
1) China (oppressors)
2) France (swimming buttholes)
3) North Korea (Kim Jong Jerks)