Edie and Pop Ep. 12 - Laser Squirrels and Ice Cream Wizards

The continuing saga of text messages between me and my baby.

EDIE:  Let's eat some ice cream.

POP:  It's 4:30 in the morning.  Go to sleep.

EDIE:  I was dreaming about ice cream and then I woke up and remembered that you have to get stuff for me.  Like ice cream.

POP:  I don't have to get you crap.  Sleep.

EDIE:  That's a bad word. I'm telling.

POP:  My filter is off.  It's early. I'm sorry. Please sleep.

EDIE: Why are there so many different kinds of ice cream?  Have I tried them all?  What a magical world I live in!

POP:  No, you have not.  Nobody has.  Except maybe Ben and Jerry.  But they're like fat ice cream wizards.

EDIE:  Ooooh. Ben and Jerry.  Those are beautiful names. Let's visit them.  Wake up Mom.  We're going on a journey.

POP:  How about I just buy you some Ben and Jerry's ice cream tomorrow?

EDIE:  No.  I want to meet the freezy wizards of iced deliciousness.  Get your pants on, Pop.

POP:  I have pants on.  I always wear pants. Where are you learning these phrases?

EDIE:  I have insomnia.  Sometimes I watch old tv shows.

POP:  You do not have insomnia.  You sleep like a snuggly rock.

EDIE:  Those are dreams, too?  This dream stuff is trippy.  How do I know what's real?

POP:  Tell me some dreams and I'll help you out.

EDIE:  Alright. Has your face ever turned into yogurt and I licked it and licked it until it looked like a mirror?

POP:  That's a dream.

EDIE:  I thought it was odd the next morning when I licked your face and it tasted like Oil of Olay.

POP:  I moisturize! Real men moisturize! I don't want to look like a saddle when you're ten.

EDIE:  Relax, Pop.  I wasn't judging you.  I was just thinking maybe you could get some manlier lotion.  Okay, next.  I was sitting at the table and you and Mom were arguing about your spirit animals.

POP:  Nope. That was real.

EDIE:  You said your spirit animal was a squirrel made of lasers?

POP:  I said that because I said squirrel and Valerie said, "My spirit animal is whatever eats squirrels. So like a panther."  And so I had to change it! To laser squirrel!

EDIE:  You don't really believe in spirit animals, do you?  Like, I don't have to believe them, do I?  I'm pretty normal.

POP:  No. It was jokes.  We're not kooks.

EDIE:  Alright.  Just checking.  So these ice cream wizards? Are they cool? Will they share their ice cream kingdom with us?

POP:  That's a good question.  I hear they are benevolent sovereigns to those friendly to dairy.  But I hear they are vicious warriors against the Cows of Genetically Modified Land.

EDIE:  I want to be a warrior!  Does it pay it in ice cream?

POP:   I imagine you could negotiate your warrior salary.

EDIE:  So how do we get there?

POP:  Well, we have to follow the Rocky Road past Cherry Garcia Forest through the Peanut Butter Cup Caves and we'll have to fight Chubby Hubby and his army of Chunky Monkeys...

EDIE:  You're making this up.  There's no Ice Cream Kingdom.  Ben and Jerry aren't real.

POP:   No. I'm not. They're real. We can google them-

EDIE:  This isn't a dream.  This is a nightmare.  I'm going back to sleep.

POP:  Noooo, Edie.  I'm sorry. I was just having fun.  There's really a Ben and Jerry and they have mountains of ice cream-

EDIE:  You broke my little heart.

POP:   Baby, I'm getting us ice cream right now.  Any time is a good time for ice cream.  What's 4:30 in the morning to your Pop?

EDIE:  We'll see.  I'll be clutching my teddy bear, Zelda Fitzbearald, to hold onto something real in this world.  I've had enough of your frozen lies.

POP:  I'll be right there with ice cream.  We have Peppermint!

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EDIE: Pop is such a sucker.

MOM:  Tell me something I don't know. Goodnight.