Invariably, some of these will make me look like I was a jerk. But let's be honest, I was in my teens and early twenties and a lot of us act like jerks then. And I had a lot of girlfriends and they all had to be broken up with so I could marry Val. Most of these I kind of half-remember so the gist of the line is there. For all my work with words, you'd think I'd be better at speaking but I usually end up backpedaling out of the thing I just said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Listen, I’m sorry I can’t take Felicity seriously. It’s a My So Called Life ripoff and her best friend is the Pink Power Ranger! I’m sorry I kept screaming “Pterodactyl!”
every time she came on the screen. But
that’s what she says in the ACTUAL POWER RANGERS SHOW!
No, I don’t want to try weed. I’m sort of into my brain.
~
You don’t want to introduce me to your parents. They’re going to smell liberal pinko loser
writer all over me.
(PAUSE, LISTEN TO RESPONSE)
You already told me he has a concealed weapon permit. Why
wouldn’t I be afraid?
I didn’t open your car door because I assumed your legs
weren’t broken. And you aren’t wearing
four-inch heels and a slinky dress.
We’re breaking up because that’s what people do. Get married or break up.
(HER RESPONSE)
Yes. I guess I just said I don't want to marry you.
Fine! Go back to your
old boyfriend. I hope you like bald
dudes because that hairline is disappearing like the rainforest.
No, I’m not going to buy you cigarettes. I’m going to make out with you later.
Excuse me? I need to change my dream job because I won’t be
making enough money for us?!
I said I like DANCING.
Not LINE DANCING.
It’s not me, it’s you.
Uh. That came out backwards. I
don’t even know why I’m saying that.
It’s so cliché. Listen, breaking
up is cliché. I suck at this. I’m sorry.
There’s no easy way to do this.
Would you rather break up with me?
Well, you’re a real bruiser out there on the soccer field.
(HER RESPONSE)
Yes. I’m semi-afraid of you.
You can’t just keep my license because you think it’s
cute. I need it for driving. For law abiding.
~
Now go into your house and bring me back my favorite shirt. This was not a divorce. You don’t get to keep half my stuff.
I dooooon’t waaaaaaaaant to tryyyyyyyy weeeeeeed.
