Things I've Said That Should Have Gotten Me Punched

Here's another collection of dumb things I've said.  All of these probably should have resulted in a flurry of fists into my beautiful face.  Luckily, to this day I have never been punched in the face.  Here's some examples:

At a Collegiate Football Game:

It’s a freaking football game! You’re cheering because an actual person on the other team got hurt?  You’re all monsters!  And so are your moms for making you!

After a Very Nice Older Gentleman Bought Me a Milkshake After I Misunderstood His Attention:

I’m sorry, sir.  I thank you for the milkshake and I’m sorry I’m not gay for you.

To a Guy at a Party:

Well, she didn’t tell me she was your girlfriend unless she whispered it into my mouth.

To an Idiot Who Asked Me For a Cigarette After He Made Fun of My Shirt:

No, thanks.  I don’t smoke.  I don’t eat my own crap either.

In High School, After Some Roided Up Moron Pushed Me In the Hallway:

I would fight you but I just washed my hands and I don’t know where you’ve been.

At a Comedy Show Where Some Jock Heckled Me:

Please.  Tell me more about your Business degree.  I wasn’t sure how superficial you are.

To a Companion On My Mission Who Got Mad at Me:

Say one more dumb thing to me and I’ll punt you back to Eastern Europe.

To a Security Guard at a Beastie Boys Concert Who Ejected Me By Twisting My Arm and Nipple:

Thanks, Big Guy.  If you want to twist my other nipple later, I’ll be at the Holiday Inn. Room number 1-0-Go-to-Hell.

To the Guy Who Tried to Fight Me at Subway:

I’m going to sit down now.  Your sub is so much bigger than mine and I feel like this whole fight would just be about our sandwich envy.

Half Remembered Lines from Fights with Actual Ex-Girlfriends

Invariably, some of these will make me look like I was a jerk.  But let's be honest, I was in my teens and early twenties and a lot of us act like jerks then.  And I had a lot of girlfriends and they all had to be broken up with so I could marry Val.  Most of these I kind of half-remember so the gist of the line is there.  For all my work with words, you'd think I'd be better at speaking but I usually end up backpedaling out of the thing I just said.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Listen, I’m sorry I can’t take Felicity seriously.  It’s a My So Called Life ripoff and her best friend is the Pink Power Ranger!  I’m sorry I kept screaming “Pterodactyl!” every time she came on the screen.  But that’s what she says in the ACTUAL POWER RANGERS SHOW!

~

No, I don’t want to try weed.  I’m sort of into my brain.

~

You don’t want to introduce me to your parents.  They’re going to smell liberal pinko loser writer all over me.

(PAUSE, LISTEN TO RESPONSE)

You already told me he has a concealed weapon permit. Why wouldn’t I be afraid?

~

I didn’t open your car door because I assumed your legs weren’t broken.  And you aren’t wearing four-inch heels and a slinky dress.

~

We’re breaking up because that’s what people do.  Get married or break up.

(HER RESPONSE)

Yes. I guess I just said I don't want to marry you.

~

Fine!  Go back to your old boyfriend.  I hope you like bald dudes because that hairline is disappearing like the rainforest.

~

No, I’m not going to buy you cigarettes.  I’m going to make out with you later.

~

Excuse me? I need to change my dream job because I won’t be making enough money for us?!

~

I said I like DANCING.  Not LINE DANCING.

~ 

It’s not me, it’s you.  Uh. That came out backwards.  I don’t even know why I’m saying that.  It’s so cliché.  Listen, breaking up is cliché.  I suck at this.  I’m sorry.  There’s no easy way to do this.  Would you rather break up with me?

~ 

Well, you’re a real bruiser out there on the soccer field.

(HER RESPONSE)

Yes. I’m semi-afraid of you.

~

You can’t just keep my license because you think it’s cute.  I need it for driving.  For law abiding.

~

Now go into your house and bring me back my favorite shirt.  This was not a divorce.  You don’t get to keep half my stuff.

~ 

I dooooon’t waaaaaaaaant to tryyyyyyyy weeeeeeed.

The Debate I Wish Had Happened

MODERATOR:  President and Governor, could you tell us what you are going to do about the dolphins?

OBAMA:  Did you say dolphins?

ROMNEY:  The Miami Dolphins?

OBAMA:  Doll fins?  You want to put fins on dolls?

ROMNEY:  Dolph Lundgren?  The celebrated action star?

OBAMA:  Ralph Kramden?  Of the Honeymooners?

ROMNEY:  Calf ramming?  The practice of using baby cows to knock down medieval doors?

OBAMA:  Raft planning?  The practice of making blueprints for river vessels?

ROMNEY:  Draft banning?  The idea of cancelling the NFL Draft in favor of a Royal Rumble to determine team placement?

OBAMA:  Laugh canning?  The idea that a laugh can exist inside a can and can be saved for another time to lighten your soul with a stale yet real laugh?

MODERATOR:  I feel like you're both skirting the question.  We know about the dolphins.

ROMNEY: (breaks into tears)

OBAMA: (rends clothes)

ROMNEY + OBAMA:  We're sorry, America.  We tried to keep you from this awful reality.

ROMNEY:  Only those in higher positions have been briefed on this developing crisis.

OBAMA:  Dolphins are not your friends.  I repeat, NOT YOUR AMIGOS.

ROMNEY:  Do not invite them over for brunch.  No matter how much they text you about it.

OBAMA:  Do not let them babysit your kids.  Even if they promise them dolphin rides.

OBAMA + ROMNEY:  Dolphins will not do your taxes.  They will do them.  But not correctly.  On purpose.

MODERATOR:  Oh, is that so?

Suddenly, the Moderator rips off her human skin and it turns out she is a killer dolphin!

ROMNEY:  I knew it!  I smelled the brine on you!

OBAMA:  Mitt, you know what we have to do.

ROMNEY:  I'll hate it as much as you. But I agree.

OBAMA +  ROMNEY:  Bi-Partisan Powers!

Obama and Romney both leap into the air and smash into one super political giant: MITTROCK OBAMNEY!

MITTROCK OBAMNEY: (in a sexy robot voice) Get ready for left and right wing attacks!

The dolphin tries to slow him down with water from his blowhole but Mittrock Obamney  comes in with left and right judo chops!  The dolphin gets sent sky-high.  Minutes later, the International Space Station hears a dolphin sized klank.

MITTROCK OBAMNEY: How do we uncombine? Oh no.  The blowhole water shorted out our switch.  Guess we'll have to get Paul and Joe to form up.

Mittrock grabs his expensive lapels and laughs. Politically.

NEXT DEBATE: Paulseph Ryden debates his superself!

Olympics! Day 1 - Fencing is Rad and Who Would You Fight?

I'm going to blog the Olympics this year.  Because why the crap not?  And I am already, understandably, obsessed with it and I need somewhere to put down some thoughts.  I should have started with the Opening Ceremonies but Val covered their awesome/unawesome costumes already.  And really, I just wanted to be catty about that.

SPORT REPORT

FENCING

It turns out that the french word for Fencing is 'radical'.  Oh, what's that?  Don't know French?  Me neither.  Because I hate the French for not living up to stereotypes for the Opening Ceremonies by wearing turtlenecks and giant berets while smoking huge cigarettes.  The Franks are always crapping on my dreams.

But back to fencing, it's amazing! For some reason, I've never seen actual fencing.  I've only seen Princess Bride sword fighting.  Which is mega awesome and I hope Mandy Patinkin is on Team USA.  If Cary Elwes is on Team Great Britain, get ready for magic!

Nuts that we didn't win but hey, Italy, turns out you've got a whole cadre of fierce fighting babes.  Good job on that.  Another reason for me not to fight Italian women.  Other reasons: 1) they guard all the pasta 2) Italy surrounds Vatican City, which I'm pretty sure is a sleeping Transformer robot 3) Italian is very intimidating when it's being yelled

So yeah.  I love fencing now.  And I'm going to watch a whole bunch of it.

IMPORTANT OLYMPIC QUESTION

Which Olympian Would You Fight?

Ok.  You have to fight an olympic athlete.  Fist fight.  Of all the sports, which type of athlete are you least intimidated to fight?  And which type of athlete are you most intimidated to fight?  (boxing, judo, and taekwondo excluded)

I've been sizing them up.  For example, I would not fight the gymnasts.  But why, James?  Aren't they just fancy flippy boys who want to protect their precious fingers?  Wrong, Reader.  Those dudes are fast.  Nimble even.  And they have arms as big as my legs.

Now marathon runners?  Please.  Those are just skeletons with shoes.  I'd fight three of them at a time.

Post Op Revelations

(Note: If you've seen Seinfeld and you can recall J Peterman's voice, you might want to read it in that voice.)

YOU'VE BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT, DON'T LOOK UNDER THE HORSE BLANKET YET

Oh, hello Richard. I'm Doctor Bainer. Don't be alarmed but you're in a hospital. You were in a terrible accident. No, no. Settle down. Settle down, Richard! Oh, damn it. He kicked a nurse. Nurse Jacobs, please take Nurse Rosenberg to the ER and get her chest looked at. Nurse Rosenberg, if your breasts are damaged, I will build you new ones. Surgeon Genius's word. Oh, what a day. By jove, will someone tranquilize him? Richard, this is for your own good!  I'm holding him! Do it! DO! IT!

~*~

 Welcome back, Richard. Let's try this again.  With less horse-sterics. You won't get it yet. But I'm a punster. You'll get used to it.  So where were we?  Yes. Accident.  You were in a terrible snowmobiling accident.  Do you remember rocketing off that cliff at 80 mph and clearing a dozen pines?  Well, you almost made it to the fluffy powder. Unfortunately, there was a wild mustang in your way.

What does that mean? Oh, Richard. It means that you plowed into a 1200 pound flank steak riding a metal comet.  How can I explain it to in non-doctory terms?  The three of you, man, horse, and machine, made the slopes look like a cyborg fought a one man cavalry charge.  Or a robot battled a butcher shop.

The bad news is that you lost your legs.  The good news is that I've found you some new ones.  You can peek under the horse blanket now.

~*~

You fainted.  In fact, you kind of gave out a whinny. Nurse Jacobs said it was adorable. Now as you can see, I've attached the lower half of a horse to your torso.  You cleanly severed the mustang's head from his body in an environment where the cold preserved the legs perfectly.  Your legs on the other hand were like two bags of  bone and goo soup.

Luckily, I am Dr. Geoff Bainer, resident Surgeon Genius.  Sure, you're asking, "Dr. Genius, why couldn't you have left me with NO LEGS?"  Because Richard, science doesn't progress when we do the same old thing. We need to dare. We need to risk.  We need to say, "Did God give me these perfect hands only to amputate or to create an actual centaur?"

Oh yes, Richard. You are a CENTAUR now. Half man/half horse. In a rare double whammy, I have saved your life AND created a mythical beast.  I can see you are tearing up and I appreciate that you appreciate my genius.  The other doctors said I was CRAZY. UNETHICAL.  Well, I locked them out of the operating room and Nurse Jacobs held them at bay with a flamethrower.  I knew I was riding the Once-In-A-Lifetime Train to Nobel City. Oh, come on, Richard. Your tail just knocked your food tray to the ground.

~*~

You fainted again. Yes, you have a tail. And hooves.  And a shiny coat. See? There's a smile.  Also, you're faster. And you could kick through a barn door if you were ever trapped in a barn.  There's lots of positives. Chicks love horses.  You'll probably be on talk shows. You only need to buy shirts from now on.  You can sleep standing up.  You can gallop. Humans can't gallop.

Thank you, Nurse Jacobs. Yes. There are some downsides.  You won't be able to fit in cars.  You're about to be really into oats.  You'll need different kinds of shots.  You may have to escape from government scientists looking to discover your secrets.  You might be hunted, cast out by those who don't understand you. There's no anticipated lifespan for centaurs. And you'll be a freak, of course.

Oh, and one more thing.  There was a minor complication.  Now don't get all skittish, Richard. There was nothing wrong with the surgery.  You are a healthily constructed centaur.  I rerouted all your guts into horse guts and as long as you keep it down to a trot, your stitches should hold.  It's just, well...how shall I put this? I didn't check under the chassis, you know?  What I'm saying is that I hooked you up to a lady horse.  Woah, big fella! Get back on the table. You punted Nurse Jacobs!  We still think of you as a man. Half man. Don't rear up at me!  I created you! I'm your Dr. Frankenstein.  I will break you and ride you out of the emergency exit, young man!  Easy now!

Versus #1: A Crazy Homeless Dude

I have never been in a fight. I have never been punched in the face. People have wanted to punch me in the face. People have even promised to fight me, shoved me, or stared me down. But as of yet, no one has followed through.

But if I started fighting, I have some predictions.

THE MAIN EVENT

IN THE RATTY TRUNKS:

CRAZY HOMELESS GUY (not to be confused with regular Harmless Homeless Guy)
KNOWN POWERS:

Nose Punches of Mega Stench

Confusing Gibberish

General Disregard for Rules of Fighting

Blood Disease

SIGNATURE MOVE:

Biting and Grappling while the assailed is trying to keep the saliva out of his eyes

WEAKNESSES:

Money

Leftover Steak in a To Go Box

A Kitty Parade (a weakness for everybody)

IN THE LINEN TRUNKS:

JAMES "SOFT TOUCH" BEST

KNOWN POWERS:

High Tolerance for Gross Out

Daddy Issues

Disarming Jokes and Grins

Viking Bones

SIGNATURE MOVE:

The "Why Would You Want to Hit Little Old Me?" Smile

WEAKNESSES:

A Good Soft Cheese

Prefers To Keep His Nose Unbroken

Pictures of Baby Animals

ROUND 1

Crazy Homeless Guy after punching himself in the head and screaming for the demons to leave, suddenly leaps onto James, quietly reading on the subway. After shrieking and wrestling off the first wave, James stands in the middle of the subway car, scared that he won't be able to wash off the stink. Realizing he won't be able to avoid an altercation, James hunkers down for a brawl.

ROUND 2

Crazy Homeless Guy launches an all out smell-o-ttack at James. James uses his brain box to lie about imaginary bottles of schnapps and leftover bag fries that he promises are in the next car. Crazy Homeless Guy gets confused, starts scratching himself and looking around for the promised goods. James tries to draw an instructional diagram in his notebook about what "This Car" and "Not This Car" means. Crazy Homeless Guy barks.

ROUND 3

James braces for the subway car to slow down at the next stop. Crazy Homeless Guy starts shuffling towards James. He puts out his hands for money. James reaches into one of his pockets. His left hand is trapped! Crazy Homeless strikes, leaping off his non-diabetic foot. James wheels back, the door opens, he minds the gap, and he is free. Running down the platform, his flip flops making manly sounds slapping against the cement, howls of the homeless behind him.

WINNER: ME (if I don't have hepatitis)