Reverse Bucket List

It's New Year's Resolution time and that means it's time to make lists of crap we will be passionate about for a brief period of time.

Instead of resolutions, I'm going to make a reverse bucket list.  For those of you who don't know what a bucket list is, it's a list of all the things you think you need to do before you die.  If you've ever made a bucket list, first off, why are you such a death obsessed psycho? Second, why can't you just let your life flow naturally, taking experiences as they come or as you pursue them?  Third, that movie The Bucket List sucked.  I already saw that movie and it was called Space Cowboys and it was way better because it was in space.

So a Reverse Bucket List is a list of things you NEVER EVER IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE WANT TO DO OR HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU.

Valerie and I both did this.  You should check out her list. VALERIE's Reverse Bucket List

JAMES BEST'S REVERSE BUCKET LIST

I Never Want To:

1. Watch Valerie fall out of a hot air balloon just past my grasp as I scream, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

2.  Be caught making fun of a T-Rex. By a T-Rex.

3.  Get gut shot out in the desert and be left by bad cowboys to die.

4.  Live through an ice cream shortage.

5.  Be forced by unforeseen future circumstances to have to hunt bunnies and kitties for food.

6.  Spend a night alone with a moo cow in a doorless, windowless room.

7.  Watch anything starring Miley Cyrus.

8.  Eat something living that is eating me at the same time.

9.  Take a road trip with the radio stuck on the Top 40s Station.

10.  Learn what the "that" is in the lyric "I would do anything for love but I won't do that".

11.  Have to pry live lobster claws off of my face or private parts.

12.  Attend any concert by any teen or child performer on the Disney channel.

13.  Ever be in the same country as this bug.

14.  Break down next to a cornfield in the middle of the night and walk through the corn to the farmhouse.

15.  Have to be in a war and be responsible for war-like activities.

16.  Pull a tapeworm out of my mouth or butt.

17.  Be awake for any kind of surgery where I'm going to see my own flesh meat.

18.  Find out that I, as I suspected, did not fit in very well at prison.

19.  Time travel to a time before deodorant or milkshakes.

20.  Discover I'm a terrible shot during a zombie apocalypse.

21.  Have some sort of nightmare surprise party where all my ex-girlfriends are waiting to tell Valerie how terrible I was to them.

22.  Be cursed to wear only European styles for the rest of my life.

23.  Somehow make it to the Star Wars universe and have Yoda tell me I have absolutely no Jedi aptitude. (There was so much sadness in my fingers as I wrote that.)

24.  Instead of a werewolf become a were-something that sucks.  Like a were-donkey.  Or a were-Michael Bay.

25.  Be in an eating contest of black licorice.

26.  Have my life turned into a movie and then find out it sucked.

27.  Wake up in some nightmare world where I have to play team sports everyday.

28.  Have the recipe to Coca-Cola destroyed or forgotten.

29.  Wake up and find out the only thing playing on tv for the rest of time is Two and a Half Men and Everybody Loves Raymond.

30.  Find out all my suspicions about horses being dirty murder hell creatures who just want to chomp off my mister parts is totally true.  In the most literal way.

31.  Have my whole life narrated in my head by Gilbert Gottfried.

32.  Live in some sort of police state where chocolate and peanut butter could not come together in holy matrimony like God intended.

33.  Die from anything I could get in the game Oregon Trail.

Reasons I'm Not Afraid of Sharks

1. I don't know any sharks.

2. Ok, let's say I was going to meet some. Like at a party I was invited to by some mutual aquatic life acquaintance .  I couldn't just stereotype them, could I? I should at least meet them, right?

3. So I'm at this party and my friend, Greg, who is a grouper eel, introduces me to this shark by the name of Montrose and he's a little intimidating with those rows of teeth and all, but he wonders if I play squash and I tell him, yeah, I've tried it. And he says, Great!

4.A week goes by and I'm mowing my lawn and Montrose pulls up right in front of my house. Said he saw me when he drove by earlier.  He and Mrs. Shark are looking at the neighborhood.  It's closer to work and their boy, Carloff, is going to try out for the swim team.  I ask him jokingly, "Don't you think having gills is kind of cheating?"  And Montrose says, "Isn't using a harpoon in a fight instead of your evolution given gifts kind of cheating?"  What a zinger.  I love this shark.

5.  I'm having this poker night at my house and Montrose comes over.  Brings over these delicious crab stuffed crabs.  Greg the grouper eel is there and a couple of human guys from work. And a manta ray whose name I keep forgetting.  And we're playing five card stud and Montrose gets up to use the shower for a second, he has to keep wet, it's an ocean thing and when he comes back in, my coworker Brian the human starts doing the Jaws theme, "Dunh dunh dunh". Everyone gets real uncomfortable.  Montrose looks pissed.  I hear his razor sharp teeth grind. But then he looks right at Brian and says, "You know, I don't watch Silence of the Lambs and think all humans are crazed demented cannibals.  So I'd appreciate it if you didn't stereotype my people because of one movie."  The manta ray says 'Aw, snap' which makes Greg spit root beer everywhere and everyone just loses it. The manta ray's name turns out to be Ray.

6.  I'm at work the next day and Brian doesn't show up.  I figure he's embarrassed about the Jaws thing.  And then around lunchtime, someone runs in and tells me that Brian was eviscerated outside of his apartment last night.  In fact, it looks like someone slurped out all his guts and spit out his pacemaker.  The whole town is scared about a bear being in the vicinity.  I have a weird feeling I know who it is.  I call up Montrose.  He says he's been playing golf all morning but he'd meet me for drinks after work.

The bar he picks is a little out of the way and caters mostly to fish out of water.  They keep sprinklers going the whole time for the Waterbreathers but they have a bright yellow rainsuit for me.  Which makes me feel a little like the guy on the Gorton's fishstick box.  Montrose is at the end of the bar.  He's sipping a real Bloody Mary.  I sit down next to him.  Order a Shirley Temple.  Tell the bartender I want the human variety.  He's a marlin. He sort of chuckles darkly.  I guess it has a double meaning.

I tell Montrose about Brian.  I say it offhand, just like I would tell anyone a story about some guy being chewed.  My tone is flat, conversational, properly shocked.  Montrose snorts a little when I say a bear did it. He thinks bears are brainless, lazy.  Not worth the rug they wear over their bones.  I say some people think that sharks are just the bears of the sea.  Montrose gets quiet and then he opens his mouth.  Asks me if I see anything in his teeth.  And there it is.  Brian's wedding ring sitting like a crown on one of those shark incisors.

I say, "Yeah. I see something."

He says, "Could you be a pal and get it out? No pilot fish today. And no opposable thumbs, you know."

I reach inside his giant maw.  The bar gets quiet.  All I can hear is "Benny and Jets" playing on the jukebox. His breath stinks like tuna and something else.  Some sweet kind of beef.  The Brian kind.  My hand is shaking. The ring is way back.  I have to lean my head in a little.  Water or saliva drips down on my neck.  I touch the metal, cool and wet. I slice my thumb a little on the tooth.  It hits the tongue. Montrose can taste it. He shivers. I grab the ring and pull back.

Montrose smiles.  "If you need another poker player, I know a hammerhead.  He's dumb. He'll lose money like starfish lose limbs."

I smile.  Elton John finishes.  My drink comes.

7.  Oh,and Montrose said my blood tastes like crap.  I have a rare blood type and he says it is repulsive.

Joey Chestnut, The Competitive Eater, Giving Himself A Pep Talk

Come on, Joey Chestnut. You're almost there.  The finish line is so near your giant mouth you can feel it. Look at all these people. Cheering you on.  They're saying, "Hey, we're here because we want to see you make a pig of yourself."  Give the people what they want, Joey. Find that inner pig. He probably lives in your stomach.

See? There's barely any hotdogs left.  That was a mountain of wieners.   But you came in like one of those companies that remove mountains.  And you really de-wienered it. Well, maybe that's not the right word but you don't have time to learn all the words. Not when you're the Double Chocolate Chip Muffin Champ in ten states!

Remember when you first started? When you were just an amateur, taking bets at tailgate parties about much ketchup you could drink? Look at you now. People adore you. Food fears you.  Sure, sometimes it's lonely. Sometimes you push your celebrity on people who don't know you.  You walk into a McDonald's and say,"Hey, who doesn't think I can eat 200 McNuggets?"  Sometimes you go to the Sizzler and ask out loud to those dining in, "Hey, regular folks. Let's see how true All-You-Can-Eat Shrimp really is." And when the people are chanting around you, when everyone's laughing as you rain down the uneaten shrimp tails over their heads, it feels like a drug.  A drug that makes you very full and sleepy but also invigorates your ego.

You can do this, Joey.  Just three dozen more hotdogs and you're the new Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champion.  What's that to you?  You ate a lifesize David made from mashed potatoes. On a dare, you ate three of those pool noodles. Don't think of this as three dozen hot dogs.  They're like little lincoln logs. You could build a small cabin from those weenies.  It's just a little house.  You can eat a little house, can't you?

Sure, you can.  Because you're Joey Chestnut.  You're the macaroni vacuum.  You're the Quadhafi of Corndogs. You're Attila the Honeybuns. You are the living blackhole.   If they bake it, you will come.

Give them what they want, Joey. Eat it all.  Eat the whole world.

Versus #1: A Crazy Homeless Dude

I have never been in a fight. I have never been punched in the face. People have wanted to punch me in the face. People have even promised to fight me, shoved me, or stared me down. But as of yet, no one has followed through.

But if I started fighting, I have some predictions.

THE MAIN EVENT

IN THE RATTY TRUNKS:

CRAZY HOMELESS GUY (not to be confused with regular Harmless Homeless Guy)
KNOWN POWERS:

Nose Punches of Mega Stench

Confusing Gibberish

General Disregard for Rules of Fighting

Blood Disease

SIGNATURE MOVE:

Biting and Grappling while the assailed is trying to keep the saliva out of his eyes

WEAKNESSES:

Money

Leftover Steak in a To Go Box

A Kitty Parade (a weakness for everybody)

IN THE LINEN TRUNKS:

JAMES "SOFT TOUCH" BEST

KNOWN POWERS:

High Tolerance for Gross Out

Daddy Issues

Disarming Jokes and Grins

Viking Bones

SIGNATURE MOVE:

The "Why Would You Want to Hit Little Old Me?" Smile

WEAKNESSES:

A Good Soft Cheese

Prefers To Keep His Nose Unbroken

Pictures of Baby Animals

ROUND 1

Crazy Homeless Guy after punching himself in the head and screaming for the demons to leave, suddenly leaps onto James, quietly reading on the subway. After shrieking and wrestling off the first wave, James stands in the middle of the subway car, scared that he won't be able to wash off the stink. Realizing he won't be able to avoid an altercation, James hunkers down for a brawl.

ROUND 2

Crazy Homeless Guy launches an all out smell-o-ttack at James. James uses his brain box to lie about imaginary bottles of schnapps and leftover bag fries that he promises are in the next car. Crazy Homeless Guy gets confused, starts scratching himself and looking around for the promised goods. James tries to draw an instructional diagram in his notebook about what "This Car" and "Not This Car" means. Crazy Homeless Guy barks.

ROUND 3

James braces for the subway car to slow down at the next stop. Crazy Homeless Guy starts shuffling towards James. He puts out his hands for money. James reaches into one of his pockets. His left hand is trapped! Crazy Homeless strikes, leaping off his non-diabetic foot. James wheels back, the door opens, he minds the gap, and he is free. Running down the platform, his flip flops making manly sounds slapping against the cement, howls of the homeless behind him.

WINNER: ME (if I don't have hepatitis)