Reverse Bucket List

It's New Year's Resolution time and that means it's time to make lists of crap we will be passionate about for a brief period of time.

Instead of resolutions, I'm going to make a reverse bucket list.  For those of you who don't know what a bucket list is, it's a list of all the things you think you need to do before you die.  If you've ever made a bucket list, first off, why are you such a death obsessed psycho? Second, why can't you just let your life flow naturally, taking experiences as they come or as you pursue them?  Third, that movie The Bucket List sucked.  I already saw that movie and it was called Space Cowboys and it was way better because it was in space.

So a Reverse Bucket List is a list of things you NEVER EVER IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE WANT TO DO OR HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU.

Valerie and I both did this.  You should check out her list. VALERIE's Reverse Bucket List

JAMES BEST'S REVERSE BUCKET LIST

I Never Want To:

1. Watch Valerie fall out of a hot air balloon just past my grasp as I scream, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

2.  Be caught making fun of a T-Rex. By a T-Rex.

3.  Get gut shot out in the desert and be left by bad cowboys to die.

4.  Live through an ice cream shortage.

5.  Be forced by unforeseen future circumstances to have to hunt bunnies and kitties for food.

6.  Spend a night alone with a moo cow in a doorless, windowless room.

7.  Watch anything starring Miley Cyrus.

8.  Eat something living that is eating me at the same time.

9.  Take a road trip with the radio stuck on the Top 40s Station.

10.  Learn what the "that" is in the lyric "I would do anything for love but I won't do that".

11.  Have to pry live lobster claws off of my face or private parts.

12.  Attend any concert by any teen or child performer on the Disney channel.

13.  Ever be in the same country as this bug.

14.  Break down next to a cornfield in the middle of the night and walk through the corn to the farmhouse.

15.  Have to be in a war and be responsible for war-like activities.

16.  Pull a tapeworm out of my mouth or butt.

17.  Be awake for any kind of surgery where I'm going to see my own flesh meat.

18.  Find out that I, as I suspected, did not fit in very well at prison.

19.  Time travel to a time before deodorant or milkshakes.

20.  Discover I'm a terrible shot during a zombie apocalypse.

21.  Have some sort of nightmare surprise party where all my ex-girlfriends are waiting to tell Valerie how terrible I was to them.

22.  Be cursed to wear only European styles for the rest of my life.

23.  Somehow make it to the Star Wars universe and have Yoda tell me I have absolutely no Jedi aptitude. (There was so much sadness in my fingers as I wrote that.)

24.  Instead of a werewolf become a were-something that sucks.  Like a were-donkey.  Or a were-Michael Bay.

25.  Be in an eating contest of black licorice.

26.  Have my life turned into a movie and then find out it sucked.

27.  Wake up in some nightmare world where I have to play team sports everyday.

28.  Have the recipe to Coca-Cola destroyed or forgotten.

29.  Wake up and find out the only thing playing on tv for the rest of time is Two and a Half Men and Everybody Loves Raymond.

30.  Find out all my suspicions about horses being dirty murder hell creatures who just want to chomp off my mister parts is totally true.  In the most literal way.

31.  Have my whole life narrated in my head by Gilbert Gottfried.

32.  Live in some sort of police state where chocolate and peanut butter could not come together in holy matrimony like God intended.

33.  Die from anything I could get in the game Oregon Trail.

Post Op Revelations

(Note: If you've seen Seinfeld and you can recall J Peterman's voice, you might want to read it in that voice.)

YOU'VE BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT, DON'T LOOK UNDER THE HORSE BLANKET YET

Oh, hello Richard. I'm Doctor Bainer. Don't be alarmed but you're in a hospital. You were in a terrible accident. No, no. Settle down. Settle down, Richard! Oh, damn it. He kicked a nurse. Nurse Jacobs, please take Nurse Rosenberg to the ER and get her chest looked at. Nurse Rosenberg, if your breasts are damaged, I will build you new ones. Surgeon Genius's word. Oh, what a day. By jove, will someone tranquilize him? Richard, this is for your own good!  I'm holding him! Do it! DO! IT!

~*~

 Welcome back, Richard. Let's try this again.  With less horse-sterics. You won't get it yet. But I'm a punster. You'll get used to it.  So where were we?  Yes. Accident.  You were in a terrible snowmobiling accident.  Do you remember rocketing off that cliff at 80 mph and clearing a dozen pines?  Well, you almost made it to the fluffy powder. Unfortunately, there was a wild mustang in your way.

What does that mean? Oh, Richard. It means that you plowed into a 1200 pound flank steak riding a metal comet.  How can I explain it to in non-doctory terms?  The three of you, man, horse, and machine, made the slopes look like a cyborg fought a one man cavalry charge.  Or a robot battled a butcher shop.

The bad news is that you lost your legs.  The good news is that I've found you some new ones.  You can peek under the horse blanket now.

~*~

You fainted.  In fact, you kind of gave out a whinny. Nurse Jacobs said it was adorable. Now as you can see, I've attached the lower half of a horse to your torso.  You cleanly severed the mustang's head from his body in an environment where the cold preserved the legs perfectly.  Your legs on the other hand were like two bags of  bone and goo soup.

Luckily, I am Dr. Geoff Bainer, resident Surgeon Genius.  Sure, you're asking, "Dr. Genius, why couldn't you have left me with NO LEGS?"  Because Richard, science doesn't progress when we do the same old thing. We need to dare. We need to risk.  We need to say, "Did God give me these perfect hands only to amputate or to create an actual centaur?"

Oh yes, Richard. You are a CENTAUR now. Half man/half horse. In a rare double whammy, I have saved your life AND created a mythical beast.  I can see you are tearing up and I appreciate that you appreciate my genius.  The other doctors said I was CRAZY. UNETHICAL.  Well, I locked them out of the operating room and Nurse Jacobs held them at bay with a flamethrower.  I knew I was riding the Once-In-A-Lifetime Train to Nobel City. Oh, come on, Richard. Your tail just knocked your food tray to the ground.

~*~

You fainted again. Yes, you have a tail. And hooves.  And a shiny coat. See? There's a smile.  Also, you're faster. And you could kick through a barn door if you were ever trapped in a barn.  There's lots of positives. Chicks love horses.  You'll probably be on talk shows. You only need to buy shirts from now on.  You can sleep standing up.  You can gallop. Humans can't gallop.

Thank you, Nurse Jacobs. Yes. There are some downsides.  You won't be able to fit in cars.  You're about to be really into oats.  You'll need different kinds of shots.  You may have to escape from government scientists looking to discover your secrets.  You might be hunted, cast out by those who don't understand you. There's no anticipated lifespan for centaurs. And you'll be a freak, of course.

Oh, and one more thing.  There was a minor complication.  Now don't get all skittish, Richard. There was nothing wrong with the surgery.  You are a healthily constructed centaur.  I rerouted all your guts into horse guts and as long as you keep it down to a trot, your stitches should hold.  It's just, well...how shall I put this? I didn't check under the chassis, you know?  What I'm saying is that I hooked you up to a lady horse.  Woah, big fella! Get back on the table. You punted Nurse Jacobs!  We still think of you as a man. Half man. Don't rear up at me!  I created you! I'm your Dr. Frankenstein.  I will break you and ride you out of the emergency exit, young man!  Easy now!