Edie and Pop Ep. 9 - What's Short for Zombie?

When Edie was only six weeks old, she learned how to text. This is the continuing saga of our communication.

EDIE:  Pop, are we prepared for a zombie apocalypse?

POP:  Holy crap. Who told you about zombies?

EDIE:  Another baby. We've been texting. Her dad works for the CDC. So what's up? We got plans?

POP:  No. We do not. Because I don't make plans for FICTION.

EDIE:  Zombies are real. Bunny told me.

POP:  You're trusting a human named Bunny?

EDIE: It's short for Bunnifer, Dad. What's short for my name? E?

POP:  Edie.  That's short for Edith.

EDIE:  EDIE ISN'T MY REAL NAME?!?

POP: They're both your name.  You really didn't know this?

EDIE:  My life is a lie!  Everything I know is built upon a foundation of doo-doo!

POP:  Stop being so dramatic.  Your Mom and I aren't those freaks who name their kids nicknames like Cathy or Joey.

EDIE:  My friends Cathy and Joey would cry buckets if they heard that!

POP:  Well, their parents suck.  And so do Bunny's parents.

EDIE:  That's terrible.  Bunny's mom is dead.

POP:  I'm sorry. I didn't know.

EDIE:  She was killed by a zombie.

POP:  Oh, shut up.  I'm busy.  Stop texting me nonsense.

EDIE:  And then she turned into a zombie and Bunny's dad had to put her down.  It's very romantic.

POP:  There's no such thing as zombies!  Bunny is lying to you.  Wait. Are you sure this is another baby?

EDIE:  You never let me have any friends!

POP:  I'm trying to protect you from weirdos! Maybe Bunny is actually a black market baby stealer.  If not, I just need to protect you from friends with stupid names!

EDIE:  Why don't you protect me from zombies first?

POP:  Why don't I protect us from everything fictional?  Because do you know what's more terrifying than zombies? Unicorns.

EDIE:  Eek. What's a unicorn?

POP:  It's an all white horse. White as a dead man's finger bone. But you'll know it by the huge glistening spike sticking from its forehead.  And it's pissed at all mankind because when there was a great flood, Noah forgot it.  And it tread water for over a year, cursing all humans, waiting for revenge.

EDIE:  Is there any way to stop it?

POP:  The unicorn only has a few weaknesses.  Bedtime stories, gatling guns, and meatball subs.

EDIE:  We need to get some of those.  I don't want to get spiked.

POP:  Your mom will be mad but I'll take one for the team.  I'll order a protective meatball sub right now.

EDIE:  Thanks, Pop.  Now in case the zombies are riding the unicorns, how many shotguns do we have?

POP:  Enough.  I even got you a little baby shotgun.

EDIE:  You're the best.  Hey, Bunny wants to know what time you and Mom sleep and what's the easiest point of access to our apartment.

POP:  I'm calling the cops.

EDIE:  What should I tell her?  The fire escape?  Could we leave the door open?

Reverse Bucket List

It's New Year's Resolution time and that means it's time to make lists of crap we will be passionate about for a brief period of time.

Instead of resolutions, I'm going to make a reverse bucket list.  For those of you who don't know what a bucket list is, it's a list of all the things you think you need to do before you die.  If you've ever made a bucket list, first off, why are you such a death obsessed psycho? Second, why can't you just let your life flow naturally, taking experiences as they come or as you pursue them?  Third, that movie The Bucket List sucked.  I already saw that movie and it was called Space Cowboys and it was way better because it was in space.

So a Reverse Bucket List is a list of things you NEVER EVER IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE WANT TO DO OR HAVE HAPPEN TO YOU.

Valerie and I both did this.  You should check out her list. VALERIE's Reverse Bucket List

JAMES BEST'S REVERSE BUCKET LIST

I Never Want To:

1. Watch Valerie fall out of a hot air balloon just past my grasp as I scream, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!"

2.  Be caught making fun of a T-Rex. By a T-Rex.

3.  Get gut shot out in the desert and be left by bad cowboys to die.

4.  Live through an ice cream shortage.

5.  Be forced by unforeseen future circumstances to have to hunt bunnies and kitties for food.

6.  Spend a night alone with a moo cow in a doorless, windowless room.

7.  Watch anything starring Miley Cyrus.

8.  Eat something living that is eating me at the same time.

9.  Take a road trip with the radio stuck on the Top 40s Station.

10.  Learn what the "that" is in the lyric "I would do anything for love but I won't do that".

11.  Have to pry live lobster claws off of my face or private parts.

12.  Attend any concert by any teen or child performer on the Disney channel.

13.  Ever be in the same country as this bug.

14.  Break down next to a cornfield in the middle of the night and walk through the corn to the farmhouse.

15.  Have to be in a war and be responsible for war-like activities.

16.  Pull a tapeworm out of my mouth or butt.

17.  Be awake for any kind of surgery where I'm going to see my own flesh meat.

18.  Find out that I, as I suspected, did not fit in very well at prison.

19.  Time travel to a time before deodorant or milkshakes.

20.  Discover I'm a terrible shot during a zombie apocalypse.

21.  Have some sort of nightmare surprise party where all my ex-girlfriends are waiting to tell Valerie how terrible I was to them.

22.  Be cursed to wear only European styles for the rest of my life.

23.  Somehow make it to the Star Wars universe and have Yoda tell me I have absolutely no Jedi aptitude. (There was so much sadness in my fingers as I wrote that.)

24.  Instead of a werewolf become a were-something that sucks.  Like a were-donkey.  Or a were-Michael Bay.

25.  Be in an eating contest of black licorice.

26.  Have my life turned into a movie and then find out it sucked.

27.  Wake up in some nightmare world where I have to play team sports everyday.

28.  Have the recipe to Coca-Cola destroyed or forgotten.

29.  Wake up and find out the only thing playing on tv for the rest of time is Two and a Half Men and Everybody Loves Raymond.

30.  Find out all my suspicions about horses being dirty murder hell creatures who just want to chomp off my mister parts is totally true.  In the most literal way.

31.  Have my whole life narrated in my head by Gilbert Gottfried.

32.  Live in some sort of police state where chocolate and peanut butter could not come together in holy matrimony like God intended.

33.  Die from anything I could get in the game Oregon Trail.

The Seven Adorable Wonders of the World, Part 1

Not all Seven are here yet. I have to think about this. But I'm taking suggestions. And pictures. This all started last night when I told Valerie that Richard Scarry's book "I Am a Bunny" is one of the Seven Adorable Wonders of the World.

So this is Number 1.

Get this book. I mean it. Buy it. Your mouth will hurt with the perpetual 'aw' sound that comes out. This picture doesn't even do it justice. When he plays with butterflies, you might die. If you want to look at some scans of it, go here.

Number 2.

What the crap is this? Who did this and how is a normal human being supposed to ignore this? I am face melting with cuteness.

Number 3

Yeah, that's right. Watch it. Or Darth Vader, "he'll getcha!"

I can't even post the rest yet. My eyeballs and feelings hurt.