Reasons I'm Not Afraid of Sharks

1. I don't know any sharks.

2. Ok, let's say I was going to meet some. Like at a party I was invited to by some mutual aquatic life acquaintance .  I couldn't just stereotype them, could I? I should at least meet them, right?

3. So I'm at this party and my friend, Greg, who is a grouper eel, introduces me to this shark by the name of Montrose and he's a little intimidating with those rows of teeth and all, but he wonders if I play squash and I tell him, yeah, I've tried it. And he says, Great!

4.A week goes by and I'm mowing my lawn and Montrose pulls up right in front of my house. Said he saw me when he drove by earlier.  He and Mrs. Shark are looking at the neighborhood.  It's closer to work and their boy, Carloff, is going to try out for the swim team.  I ask him jokingly, "Don't you think having gills is kind of cheating?"  And Montrose says, "Isn't using a harpoon in a fight instead of your evolution given gifts kind of cheating?"  What a zinger.  I love this shark.

5.  I'm having this poker night at my house and Montrose comes over.  Brings over these delicious crab stuffed crabs.  Greg the grouper eel is there and a couple of human guys from work. And a manta ray whose name I keep forgetting.  And we're playing five card stud and Montrose gets up to use the shower for a second, he has to keep wet, it's an ocean thing and when he comes back in, my coworker Brian the human starts doing the Jaws theme, "Dunh dunh dunh". Everyone gets real uncomfortable.  Montrose looks pissed.  I hear his razor sharp teeth grind. But then he looks right at Brian and says, "You know, I don't watch Silence of the Lambs and think all humans are crazed demented cannibals.  So I'd appreciate it if you didn't stereotype my people because of one movie."  The manta ray says 'Aw, snap' which makes Greg spit root beer everywhere and everyone just loses it. The manta ray's name turns out to be Ray.

6.  I'm at work the next day and Brian doesn't show up.  I figure he's embarrassed about the Jaws thing.  And then around lunchtime, someone runs in and tells me that Brian was eviscerated outside of his apartment last night.  In fact, it looks like someone slurped out all his guts and spit out his pacemaker.  The whole town is scared about a bear being in the vicinity.  I have a weird feeling I know who it is.  I call up Montrose.  He says he's been playing golf all morning but he'd meet me for drinks after work.

The bar he picks is a little out of the way and caters mostly to fish out of water.  They keep sprinklers going the whole time for the Waterbreathers but they have a bright yellow rainsuit for me.  Which makes me feel a little like the guy on the Gorton's fishstick box.  Montrose is at the end of the bar.  He's sipping a real Bloody Mary.  I sit down next to him.  Order a Shirley Temple.  Tell the bartender I want the human variety.  He's a marlin. He sort of chuckles darkly.  I guess it has a double meaning.

I tell Montrose about Brian.  I say it offhand, just like I would tell anyone a story about some guy being chewed.  My tone is flat, conversational, properly shocked.  Montrose snorts a little when I say a bear did it. He thinks bears are brainless, lazy.  Not worth the rug they wear over their bones.  I say some people think that sharks are just the bears of the sea.  Montrose gets quiet and then he opens his mouth.  Asks me if I see anything in his teeth.  And there it is.  Brian's wedding ring sitting like a crown on one of those shark incisors.

I say, "Yeah. I see something."

He says, "Could you be a pal and get it out? No pilot fish today. And no opposable thumbs, you know."

I reach inside his giant maw.  The bar gets quiet.  All I can hear is "Benny and Jets" playing on the jukebox. His breath stinks like tuna and something else.  Some sweet kind of beef.  The Brian kind.  My hand is shaking. The ring is way back.  I have to lean my head in a little.  Water or saliva drips down on my neck.  I touch the metal, cool and wet. I slice my thumb a little on the tooth.  It hits the tongue. Montrose can taste it. He shivers. I grab the ring and pull back.

Montrose smiles.  "If you need another poker player, I know a hammerhead.  He's dumb. He'll lose money like starfish lose limbs."

I smile.  Elton John finishes.  My drink comes.

7.  Oh,and Montrose said my blood tastes like crap.  I have a rare blood type and he says it is repulsive.

The Seven Adorable Wonders of the World, Part 2

Just videos this time. And I might not even have the final two yet. But I do have these. And these will set your eyes on fire. And when they melt, they will turn into gooey little candies that taste like rainbows. Warm rainbows.

DRUNK BABY

Have you seen this? It will destroy you. I can't wait to see this whole movie. This will win the Oscar shorts next year. If it doesn't I'll punch every Oscar voter in their brains. Because they are broken.

OTTERS HOLDING HANDS

I know you've seen this. But let's watch it again. Let's all buy otters and put them in our bathtubs. No. Let's clear out the living room and make it an otter room. And watch their little tiny arms all day. Until we die. From bliss.

The Seven Adorable Wonders of the World, Part 1

Not all Seven are here yet. I have to think about this. But I'm taking suggestions. And pictures. This all started last night when I told Valerie that Richard Scarry's book "I Am a Bunny" is one of the Seven Adorable Wonders of the World.

So this is Number 1.

Get this book. I mean it. Buy it. Your mouth will hurt with the perpetual 'aw' sound that comes out. This picture doesn't even do it justice. When he plays with butterflies, you might die. If you want to look at some scans of it, go here.

Number 2.

What the crap is this? Who did this and how is a normal human being supposed to ignore this? I am face melting with cuteness.

Number 3

Yeah, that's right. Watch it. Or Darth Vader, "he'll getcha!"

I can't even post the rest yet. My eyeballs and feelings hurt.