Edie and Pop Ep. 2 - In Case of Emergency, Break Glass

EDIE:  Pop. It's me, Edie. Your seven week old daughter.

POP:   Are you texting me again? How did you get your Mom's phone AGAIN?

EDIE:  Oh, she left it in the crib when I started holding it and cooing.  She's such a sucker. Where are you?

POP:   I'm at my desk. I'm literally 15 feet from you.

EDIE:  Oh, thanks for rubbing it in.  I'm practically blind with my newborn eyes.  I can barely see the magic light rectangles.

POP:   Those are windows.

EDIE:  What are windows?

POP:   The rectangles.  The blurry light shapes you're seeing are windows.

EDIE:  I made THAT connection, Pop.  But what the crap are windows?

POP:   Oh. When we build houses we put holes in them and fill them with glass so we can get light and air.

EDIE:  Ooooh, I like those things.  What's glass?

POP:   It's a clear substance made from super heating sand.  We use it for windows and drinking glasses.

EDIE:  Hold on. Didn't Mom cut her hand on one of those drinking things?  Is this glass stuff stable?

POP:   Well, yeah. Sort of. Just don't throw stuff at it. Or subject it to hurricanes.

EDIE:  This stuff breaks?!  And you've got a giant rectangle of it over me?!?!

POP:   It's not like that. You're totally safe.  Barring freak accidents. Gunshots.

EDIE:  This is bullcrap!  If I could walk or call Social Services, you'd be going to jail, mister!

POP:   We put you by the window so you could enjoy the light and air...

EDIE:  and be severed by the giant clear razor raining down on my tender little frame!

POP:   Do you want to move to my side of the bed?  So your Mom would have to GET OUT OF BED in the MIDDLE OF THE FREAKING NIGHT to give you your LIFE SUSTAINING FOOD?!

EDIE:  Geez, Pop.  I get it.  You love her or something gross.  That was adequately punctuated by you putting your angry face in my non-blurry babyview.

POP:   Where did you put her phone? I couldn't find it in your bassinet.

EDIE:  You don't even want to know.

POP:   Oh, come on.  I really try to keep my humor above poop jokes.

EDIE: Have you seen the muscle mass of my arms?  How could I maneuver anything as heavy as a phone into the airtight seal you make at my waste with paper and tape?

POP:   I am pretty handy with a diaper. Where's the phone?

EDIE:  I threw it at that glass stuff.  To teach you a lesson.

POP:   The window is open!

EDIE:  What does that mean?

POP:   There was no glass between you and the street! Holy crap. I have to go.

EDIE:  I can fall into the street?!?!

A Girl Named Edie Has Come to Visit

On the 1st of October, we met a little girl at a hospital.  We named her Edith.  Because we thought it was pretty.  And maybe kind of a grandma name.  But sometimes names have to be reclaimed.

She goes by Edie.  So far she doesn't have much to say. We mostly interpret.

DISLIKES

Being changed
Not eating
Pacifiers
Having her arms restricted
Sleeping at night
The pediatrician's office
The Eagles

LIKES

Nirvana
Listening to me and Val read poetry to her
Grandma Rosemary
Eating all the time
Her bouncy chair
My pinky finger as a pacifier
Sleeping when we're awake
Hobo Jokes
Time Travel Paradoxes

Here's some things she loves though.

Edie loves traffic.  We live on 4th Ave, a major thoroughfare in Brooklyn.  For those people who live in places of large silences, it's hard to appreciate how calming the sea rhythms of traffic are.  Edie and I share a love for this.  There's a chair and ottoman Valerie positioned near our avenue window so she could enjoy the noise.  I have stolen it for myself and Edie.  She likes to find a place in my chest to sleep, usually using my finger as a pacifier.  It's amazing to watch her body relaxing into contentment as she gets closer to the window.  Valerie will cradle and rock her to the noise. The waves of cars.  The metal ocean.

Edie loves Valerie.  I knew this would happen.  The biological thing. The connection due to birth, contact, and feeding.  But it's something different to watch.  I know newborns can't smile.  But when Valerie holds her, Edie's whole body becomes a smile.  I don't know much about baby science (frankly, I don't care, I'd rather accept it as mystery) and I don't know whether a baby registers a person by touch, voice, smell, the way they are held but she knows Valerie.  As soon as she meets her hands, Edie's whole frame is a sigh.

The Seven Adorable Wonders of the World, Part 2

Just videos this time. And I might not even have the final two yet. But I do have these. And these will set your eyes on fire. And when they melt, they will turn into gooey little candies that taste like rainbows. Warm rainbows.

DRUNK BABY

Have you seen this? It will destroy you. I can't wait to see this whole movie. This will win the Oscar shorts next year. If it doesn't I'll punch every Oscar voter in their brains. Because they are broken.

OTTERS HOLDING HANDS

I know you've seen this. But let's watch it again. Let's all buy otters and put them in our bathtubs. No. Let's clear out the living room and make it an otter room. And watch their little tiny arms all day. Until we die. From bliss.

The Seven Adorable Wonders of the World, Part 1

Not all Seven are here yet. I have to think about this. But I'm taking suggestions. And pictures. This all started last night when I told Valerie that Richard Scarry's book "I Am a Bunny" is one of the Seven Adorable Wonders of the World.

So this is Number 1.

Get this book. I mean it. Buy it. Your mouth will hurt with the perpetual 'aw' sound that comes out. This picture doesn't even do it justice. When he plays with butterflies, you might die. If you want to look at some scans of it, go here.

Number 2.

What the crap is this? Who did this and how is a normal human being supposed to ignore this? I am face melting with cuteness.

Number 3

Yeah, that's right. Watch it. Or Darth Vader, "he'll getcha!"

I can't even post the rest yet. My eyeballs and feelings hurt.