The Robe

Here's the thing. I have these work stories. And I want to tell you these work stories. I have crazy stories from 30 Rock. I have stories from the movies I worked on and the actors there. I have stories about where I'm working right now. But I can't tell them.

Because I don't want to become my own story. The story told repeatedly as a cautionary tale in "Hollywood". The story of the low level employee tweeting or blogging or facebooking the funny anecdote and then it getting back to the producer or showrunner or somebody. And then the firing. And then the shaking of heads from the employees peers who say, "He/She should have known better."

I have to be careful. If you want to hear stories, you'll have to ask me in person. The internet is FOREVER. Theoretically.
So with great vagueness I tell you this story.

THE ROBE
Let's say his name is Doug. When you have fancy people like Doug, you put them in Doug-class hotels. They stay there for the run of filming. Well, one day, the hotel called us up. And told us the robe from the room was missing. And they didn't want to charge us for the robe, or Doug, so could we discretely ask about The Robe.

This put us in an awkward position of course. Because we needed to ask Doug if he had The Robe in his possession. We were filming off site and he wasn't going to be back to that hotel for a few days. So we called.
"Doug. Hey, you know how hotel rooms have monogrammed robes in the rooms? Did you maybe accidentally take yours? Because the hotel is looking for it."

Doug confirmed very neutrally that The Robe was in his possession. It was sent from set in a garbage bag. I was given the task of returning The Robe.
Now, of course, this raises Doug questions. What did Doug need The Robe for? Did it make him feel luxurious? Is he a Robe Person? Is anyone left alive still a Robe Person? Does he shoot porn? Is he just a hotel Robe kleptomaniac?

So I was given the task of returning The Robe. I walked into the fancy Manhattan hotel holding a black garbage bag. I walked up to the concierge.

"Oh, hello. I'm returning one of your robes. Doug accidentally placed this large bulky robe in one of his bags."
"In his luggage. Okay. Let me just check. Oh, wait. Doug hasn't checked out yet. So why did he take the robe?"

"Maybe he was cold. Outside of his room."

So they promised to launder The Robe and return it to his room. It doesn't end there.
The crew gets back to the city. Doug goes back to his fancy room. The next day he pulls aside a PA and asks:

"Hey, what's the deal with my robe?"

So the PA calls the Production Office, where I work, and asks what we did with the robe. We tell her: Given back, hotel cleaning it.

So Doug asks the PA:

"Is my robe going to be there tonight?"

Another PA he spoke to calls back, asking when this happened, could we get Doug a new robe. My boss says:

"I am over The Robe. We are not dealing with The Robe."

Now I have a question. I dropped off the robe five days ago. Did the hotel worry about Doug so much that they no longer trust him with robes? Or is Doug putting together a scam? Did he steal The Robe again and is now creating an alibi wherein he pretends that the Robe was never returned?

We call back. We dropped off The Robe. End of story. He will have to address all future Robe questions to the hotel. The calls stopped. The Robe never turned up again.

Interview

Supposedly, it's supposed to look like this again tomorrow. We'll see.

I interviewed for a job today. It's a little step up. I don't know when I'll know. They have a few more interviews but I'm hoping the guy right after me sounded a little like this.

PRODUCER

So, Gerald, I see you're interested in television.

GERALD

I love it. I just want to live inside it, you know?

PRODUCER

Sure. I think we all in a way fantasize about living in the shows we love.

GERALD

No, I just want to be that small. It would be so cool. I could save money on groceries. I would put a saddle on my cat and ride it places.

PRODUCER

Interesting. So you want to work for us?

GERALD

Aw, man. Why'd you have to put it like that? Couldn't we all just work for each other?

PRODUCER

Why are you here?

GERALD

That's deep. Why are YOU here? Why are WE here?

PRODUCER

We're not. I want you to go.

GERALD

What the crap? Someone said I was gonna get lunch.

PRODUCER
No one told you that.

GERALD

They didn't? Well, isn't that just like it, man. Maybe I told myself that.

PRODUCER

Please send James back in and don't touch anyone on the way out, please.

GERALD

Fine! Forget you and your empty promises of food and your shrink magic! I have to go now and find someone who offered me lunch.

End scene. So we'll see what happens.

Make yourself happy. Find these two songs:

Flakes by Mystery Jets

and

I Know I Don't Know by Jonquil

The Reason for My Blog is ________________

I think the problem is that I'm using this forum for too big an idea. A work space to show work only. Or a place to write down whatever has struck me as life changing or thought provoking.

Blah to that. I like blogs. I read them fairly often and I liked having this blog when I first started it. Then I got out of school and I started working in TV/Film and the hours are always 12 minimum and all that and so forth.

I'm back. (I always say this.) I write a lot. And lately its been a lot of scripts which are hard to post here. But I'll put some of that up.

Because why not? Why not do whatever I want here. Valerie covers so much of what we accomplish from day to day in New York. But I'd like to follow suit. And she does so much she's not telling you.

Does everyone know she's in graduate school? I bet they don't. Because she doesn't tell anyone anything. While I, on the other hand, blab every tiny thing I'm involved with.

Alright. Here's something dumb I made at Xtranormal. I use this site for script writing exercises.

30 Poems for 30 Days - ATTEMPT 3!

Here's the thing. I've started this twice before. I've gotten to roughly 18-20 days in and then had life get in the way. This will not happen again. I will conquer this. I'm a busy person. Everyone's a busy person. I work 12-15 hour days. Well, sleep can suck it. Because I'm going to do this. And I'm starting on the first day of the month. That will make it easier to know where I am. Attempt 3. Start.

This started as a joke. I started this joke with Valerie and Annie and Ben a few years ago. The idea of generic obituaries. And then I started writing them on people's facebook pages. And then my friend Steven Hopkins pointed out that what I was writing was sort of beautiful. And then I realized. My humor and my poetry interweave so much. So I wrote this.

Generic Obituary for Anyone

When he was alive, it was apparent.
He knew the names of many things.
He reacted. He had emotions.
All his experience became memory.
There was enough air for him to breathe.
When he spoke he was acknowledged.
Sometimes he would sit and just be a person sitting.
Other times he was stirred by purpose.
There were people he called friend
and those he called stranger.
He called a place a home.
Sometimes he was alone, and sometimes the world
felt thick around him.
Wondering why some things worked the way they do,
he discovered a universe within him.
He left his fingerprints.
Some of you met him.
For many, he would exist like a pebble
on a beach you never heard of.
When he slept he had dreams
he never described to anyone.
These were wholly his own.
He has taken them with him.
He will be missed by a percentage of the world.

The Travel Bug

So my little poetry writing break is coming to an end. I tried to start something tonight but was falling asleep everywhere. I'm reading Galway Kinnell's Book of Nightmares so I'm working on nightmare poems. Spooky scary.

But Val and I are leaving for a trip! We're flying down to California on Thursday and then I'm flying up to Canada on Friday. Because Valerie and I always split up the week before our anniversary to make each other extravagant gifts. They have to be hand made. Last year, she made me a canoe with my name etched into a banner being carried by two eagles. And I made her a hammock that fit exactly to the shape of her body. And had a cup holder.

Oh, wait. Those are lies. We never do that kind of stuff. We just buy each other diamond jewelry. I have a bandolier made of rubies and Valerie is getting (don't tell her) a bathing suit of carbuncles.

Holy crap, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. I have to find some more carbuncles tomorrow.

Army Husbands Ep. 2

We finished it. We premiered it at Channel 101. It was well received and we're pleased. This episode was fun because we had so many more people involved. We brought on Evan Cohen as DP and he brought his fabulous camera. Which is why this one looks so much better than the first. Enjoy. Hopefully I can get the video embedded.

Here's Episode 1 for those of you who haven't seen it.