Marvel's Most Pathetic Supervillains

Dr. Bong

– your classic journalist turned geneticist. His name has nothing to do with drugs. He’s called Dr. Bong because he wears a bell on his head. He wonders why he has migraines. The greatest disappointment of his life is not that he got his hand chopped off by a prop guillotine but that his metal band never took off. There’s nights when he wonders why the hell he didn’t attach something more useful than a bronze clanger to his left stump. It’s perfectly great for rolling dough or kneading tired muscles but he’s noticed his left arm is now noticeably stronger than his right arm. Freakishly so. Like he’s been scooping ice cream with the same arm for twenty years. The only thing he enjoys about his costume is no one questions his metal girdle. He has frequent nightmares about belfries.

Tar Baby

– if anyone has a decent beef with God, it’s this guy. While other mutants got sweet powers like Optic Beams and Telekinesis, Tar Baby was born with the power to stick to people and offend black people. His skin turns into some tar substance that makes it impossible to blow his nose, read a paper, or spoon. He hangs with the Morlocks who are freaks living in the sewers so not only is he sticking to stuff but it’s the worst stuff possible. Sometimes he considers running away to a suburb and rolling around in fresh grass clippings so he could at least be Grass Baby. But he has Hay Fever. The Morlocks are hotheads and they’re always getting into fights which Tar Baby dreads. Because when Wolverine is all beserker and slashy, the only thing worse than facing him is sticking him to you so he’s just pissed off up close. Tar Baby has a pet squirrel that’s been stuck in his left knee pit for two months.

Stilt Man

– it’s the literal quality of his name that should tip you off to his inventiveness. Stilts. That was his master plan. Giant telescoping legs that help him rob high rise buildings. He’s even considered a loser by other supervillains. Stiltsy can’t catch a break because unlike regular sized villains, everyone always knows where he is. Sure, he can run like thirty miles an hour but the cops can’t miss 100 ft ski poles traipsing through their city. And forget about country sides, he’s a walking lightning rod. Daredevil, Spiderman, and Iron Man are bad news for him but he’s more concerned about streetlights and quick turns by taxis. He’s been in traction twice because of open manholes. It was in the hospital he developed an affection for Clifford. He feels like that dog could really understand him.

Blowhard

– can’t say a word without a gale erupting from his mouth. So now he never speaks unless he’s fighting good guys or losing at cards. He even wanted to be a good guy but it was impossible to protest without making people eat wind. He used to shout epic things like “Try this on for size!” and “I’ll see you in hell!” but most times people could only understand the first syllable before they got thrown into a wall. So now he just shouts random words like “Lipitor!” or “Bunions!” because the end result is the same. He’s taken to writing a fantasy football blog and is taking sign language classes at the community center. His girlfriend is healing in the hospital after a disastrous open mouth kiss.

The Mad Thinker

– a super genius who modeled himself after a famous statue. He was originally just The Thinker but no one was getting his whole villain concept and he threw a temper tantrum at an Evil Genius Party. He’s constantly explaining his name to the press and heroes he captures. There always like “What do you think about?” and “Why are you so mad?” So now he’s taken to entering rooms in the pose of “The Thinker” and everyone says “Oooooh” but they all feel he’s being really dramatic because who enters a room in a pose? And that means he always has to bring a henchman with him and the box with wheels and it’s just become a real hassle. He’s considering a sidekick called The Scream.