Thank You Notes to Me

So yes, we are having a baby. (Thank you Craig for getting this onesie for me. It is epic.) This blog is not going to turn into a baby blog showcasing every angle of my genetic inheritor.  So get ready to keep hearing about me, Valerie, and sometimes Baby.  Oh, she'll show up.  Like a guest star.  But is she writing the blog?  No.  Because she has no idea what QWERTY is.  And because most of her thoughts will be: "Hungry." and "Not Hungry."

I'm sure she'll be great.  I'm excited.  But I spend a lot of time in my head. But eventually when she can talk and reason and type I'm sure she'll have a few things to say about how I shaped her into the cool person she will become.  So here are some thank you notes to me.  From her.

ABOUT MUSIC

Dear D(that stands for Dad, abbreviations are huge in the future),

Thank you for introducing me to depressing rock music. Nirvana and Elliott Smith has given my otherwise happy life that bleak underlining it needed. While you and M showered me with love and affection, in the background was a soundtrack teaching me that despair and loneliness howled at the windows.  Thank you for leveling me out with some real bummers.  Sure I look super smiley in all those baby pictures.  But if you look in my eyes, you can see I know that life is not all mashed up fruit and snuggles.  It's deep pain and full of Courtney Loves.

ABOUT SUPERHEROES

Dear D,

Even though M totally rolled her eyes whenever you tried to explain the deep intricacies of comic book superheroes, I was listening.  Superman is an exploration of a god like being on Planet Earth dealing with issues of agency, death, and tragedy when he has the power to stop them.  It is a fascinating idea.  And you're not a huge nerd.  You're a supercool guy who just likes lots of things.  And you told me that enough times that I actually believe it.  Now when are we going to the 5th reboot of Spiderman?

ABOUT SCIENCE

Dear D,

I'm so glad you took over all my science projects and helped me build scale models of particle accelerators and binary star systems.  I am a little sad that you suck so much at building things that all my models looked nothing like what we intended.  I wish we lived closer to Uncle Andy and Uncle Sam because they don't handle tools like they're pythons.  But I think it's cool we live on the International Space Station and you're the Ambassador to Space.

ABOUT POETRY

Dear D,

I know that only a small percentage of the earth enjoys poetry.  Thank you for making me part of that percentage.  Because now I know I'm better than most people.  And that's the kind of self worth every kid needs.  Thank you both for making me part of the literary intelligentsia.  And thank you M for teaching me an eye roll that can make my teachers quiver in anger.  I'm going to ride this poetry rocket right to Stanford or Harvard or Yale or the International Space Station University if you really want me to stay close to home.

Marvel's Most Pathetic Supervillains

Dr. Bong

– your classic journalist turned geneticist. His name has nothing to do with drugs. He’s called Dr. Bong because he wears a bell on his head. He wonders why he has migraines. The greatest disappointment of his life is not that he got his hand chopped off by a prop guillotine but that his metal band never took off. There’s nights when he wonders why the hell he didn’t attach something more useful than a bronze clanger to his left stump. It’s perfectly great for rolling dough or kneading tired muscles but he’s noticed his left arm is now noticeably stronger than his right arm. Freakishly so. Like he’s been scooping ice cream with the same arm for twenty years. The only thing he enjoys about his costume is no one questions his metal girdle. He has frequent nightmares about belfries.

Tar Baby

– if anyone has a decent beef with God, it’s this guy. While other mutants got sweet powers like Optic Beams and Telekinesis, Tar Baby was born with the power to stick to people and offend black people. His skin turns into some tar substance that makes it impossible to blow his nose, read a paper, or spoon. He hangs with the Morlocks who are freaks living in the sewers so not only is he sticking to stuff but it’s the worst stuff possible. Sometimes he considers running away to a suburb and rolling around in fresh grass clippings so he could at least be Grass Baby. But he has Hay Fever. The Morlocks are hotheads and they’re always getting into fights which Tar Baby dreads. Because when Wolverine is all beserker and slashy, the only thing worse than facing him is sticking him to you so he’s just pissed off up close. Tar Baby has a pet squirrel that’s been stuck in his left knee pit for two months.

Stilt Man

– it’s the literal quality of his name that should tip you off to his inventiveness. Stilts. That was his master plan. Giant telescoping legs that help him rob high rise buildings. He’s even considered a loser by other supervillains. Stiltsy can’t catch a break because unlike regular sized villains, everyone always knows where he is. Sure, he can run like thirty miles an hour but the cops can’t miss 100 ft ski poles traipsing through their city. And forget about country sides, he’s a walking lightning rod. Daredevil, Spiderman, and Iron Man are bad news for him but he’s more concerned about streetlights and quick turns by taxis. He’s been in traction twice because of open manholes. It was in the hospital he developed an affection for Clifford. He feels like that dog could really understand him.

Blowhard

– can’t say a word without a gale erupting from his mouth. So now he never speaks unless he’s fighting good guys or losing at cards. He even wanted to be a good guy but it was impossible to protest without making people eat wind. He used to shout epic things like “Try this on for size!” and “I’ll see you in hell!” but most times people could only understand the first syllable before they got thrown into a wall. So now he just shouts random words like “Lipitor!” or “Bunions!” because the end result is the same. He’s taken to writing a fantasy football blog and is taking sign language classes at the community center. His girlfriend is healing in the hospital after a disastrous open mouth kiss.

The Mad Thinker

– a super genius who modeled himself after a famous statue. He was originally just The Thinker but no one was getting his whole villain concept and he threw a temper tantrum at an Evil Genius Party. He’s constantly explaining his name to the press and heroes he captures. There always like “What do you think about?” and “Why are you so mad?” So now he’s taken to entering rooms in the pose of “The Thinker” and everyone says “Oooooh” but they all feel he’s being really dramatic because who enters a room in a pose? And that means he always has to bring a henchman with him and the box with wheels and it’s just become a real hassle. He’s considering a sidekick called The Scream.

My Defense of George Lucas

So this has been building for a while and of course, has come to a head with Indy 4. So I've decided to be the devil's advocate and actually like George Lucas. Because I don't think everyone is giving him a fair shake. I don't have time to cover all issues in detail but I want to address three major conversations I've had recently and Joe's blog entry.

Nostalgia

The main reason everyone is miffed with the current incarnations of Star Wars and Indy is because their memories are colored by nostalgia. It's like when your grandparents tell you how great it was "way back when" and how it was safer and nicer and uphill both ways. It wasn't better then, it's just your memory is faulty and you had less experience and even reference.

I defy the idea that you could watch these new, having never experienced them and enjoy them the same way. It's impossible to prove. You can't divorce yourself from the faulty judgment of nostalgia.

Case in point, I never saw Goonies growing up. I watched it for the first time last year. I found it kind of goofy and ridiculous. It's fun but I have no reason to watch it again. It holds no nostalgic value for me and no place in the canon of movies that make up my childhood. If I showed you any Indiana Jones or Star Wars now, I guarantee you'd find them quaint and low tech, very cheesy and filled with outrageous stunts. You might enjoy them but I doubt you'd enjoy them as faultless masterpieces.

Another major problem with these new movies is that they aren't a reaction against the movies of the time. The original Star Wars was released on the heels of The Godfather, The French Connection, and other gritty reality movies full of anti-heroes and messy lines between good and evil. These new films aren't updated enough I feel. They try to keep with the old and not react to the new.
Here's the current state of movies that makes Lucas's latest incarnations dated:

1. This is a post Die Hard, Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Bourne Ultimatum era of action movies.
2. The delightfully fanciful movie era of the 80's is over. It has been replaced again with grittier, more realistic filming and teen romantic comedies.
3. The fanciful era was ushered in by Lucas. He's responsible for people being ready for movies like Neverending Story, ET, Legend, and Willow. Also, TV shows like Small Wonder and Alf. But the 90's were a reaction against Lucas.
4. The original movies were new and fresh. These new movies are released in a Post-Lucas era. We've already seen him, evolved away from him, and now he returns with throwbacks. Every Indy movie as we watched it was a mix of the old and the new. Now we just have the old. The only new part is the same effects are being done with CGI.

Now I'm not saying that we can't watch any old movie and not enjoy it. Obviously not. But Indy and Star Wars are part of our nostalgic youth. They aren't judged the same. And it's not just nostalgia we're fighting but the sum of experiential movie data in our brains.CGI

This argument to me is ridiculous. The reason for effects is to create spectacle on screen. To keep someone in the reality of it, the effects artist uses the best he has at the time. CGI is the best today and that's what people use. To rebel against it is to argue for your outdated technology. No one raises a shout for washboards when we have washing machines.

We're kidding ourselves if we think that the old stuff looked better. The melting face in Raiders? It's ridiculous, campy. No one would argue for its authenticity. But we like it because it was the best back then. The Rancor in Jedi? Stupid. It's pathetic looking. Even as a kid I was taken out of the movie by the obvious fakeness of it.

If we're arguing against CGI, what are we arguing for? Do we want claymation back? Like Jason and the Argonauts? Should we put keep using puppets? Godzilla suits? Inadequate models and ships on strings? You're saying that you'd rather all chase scenes today looked more like the speeder bike scenes in Jedi? With sloppy effects on a green screen? The seamlessness of CGI is yet to come. But we've seen glimpses of it.

I'm not saying that some of the effects aren't over the top and used to excess. The prairie dog in Indy 4 was not my favorite. But I would have been pissed off it was a puppet! Better it was never there, sure, but better than going backwards.

From George Lucas's standpoint, he was embarrassed at some of the scenes in the original Star Wars trilogy. He envisioned a universe full of diverse creatures that he wanted to portray. Instead of the Star Trek lameness of "Aliens Just Have Different Head Bumps" route he tried to portray it in makeup and puppetry. And it wasn't fully realized. He could not create the vision he wanted.

So he spent the next 25 years developing the technology to realize his vision. These were for his new series of stories. Unfortunately, he felt it necessary to patch up his old movies. I don't enjoy ALL of the patches. I like some. But I understand his want to fix the things he was embarrassed of. The things he just didn't have the technology for originally. Are they perfect yet? No. Was his technology in the 70's and 80's perfect either? No.

The biggest mistake of the new movies is that he let himself direct. Lucas is not a director. He's a story teller and visual artist. The acting and dialogue was just as bad in the original three Star Wars and Indy movies. It just had more likable bad actors. Mark Hamill was at least charismatic. Hayden Christiansen is just whiny.

Aliens Instead of Religion

It's been done! Another religious object? It would have been boring! The movie would have been panned so much more if it went the Christian/Judaism route again. It would have been seen as a paltry shadow of the originals and everyone would have yawned with, "Seen that. Done better."

Name one religious object that would have been good. But it would have to raise the stakes. It would have to be bigger than the Holy Grail. I challenge anyone to name one piece of religious iconography that would have topped the Ark or Grail and be rooted enough in Western culture that we could immediately identify with it. The cross? A piece of Jesus's clothing? It would be the same as the Grail not better. The staff of Moses? The Golden Calf? Maybe they could have done the Garden of Eden, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. But what then? That would have debunked Christian mythology not supported it like the other two movies. It would be the Da Vinci Code or National Treasure not Indiana Jones.
There were only three major archaeological things popular in Western mythology that might have been used. El Dorado, Atlantis, and the Fountain of Youth. They had actually played around with an Atlantis movie until about 8 years ago. The Fountain of Youth was just done. So El Dorado then. But with the right MacGuffin.

I thought that the theme of the movie was much more Indy than The Mummy or National Treasure or Da Vinci Code or all those other rip offs.

Over the Top

Yes, the waterfalls, the refrigerator, and the vine swinging was ridiculous. But so was the huge stone marble and the hand insignia melting in Raiders, the plane scene in Doom, not to mention the poison and antidote debacle, and the seagulls in Holy Grail. The only reason we're more sensitive now is again, the fact that we're not nine years old.

Because we can't believe now that someone can survive three waterfalls but we can believe in a long buried snake pit full of hundreds of snakes with nothing to feed on. Oh, and Aliens are a more of a stretch than let's say, Immortal Grail Juice.