Romance Novel Excerpt # 4 - Cow or Never

Catch up on previous chapters:

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge


The Heart is the Loneliest Dude Ranch

Excerpt from Chapter Four - Cow or Never

Was there ever a more beautiful moment between man, woman, and cow?  No, Vanessa thought. Never in the whole history of earth according to evolution or intelligent design.  The birth was a success.  The calf lay in her arms like a giant four legged baby. Snoring. Breathing into her hair. So hard to imagine this perfect creature would one day become a mediocre cut of meat at Applebee's.

Dexter McChest slipped the birthing chains from the calf's body, his arm muscles rippling with gentle power.  As gentle as two pistons powered by bunnies.  The way he gentled those chains from the gentle calf made him seem so gentlemanly. But oh, how ungentle it was to be in love with the gentlest gent in all of Gentrified County. 

But for now, it was all perfect.  She and Dexter had just shared the world's closest thing to sex. Which was birth. Which was actually a post sex thing.  So if things progressed as well in reverse they would be at sex in no time. Right after hospitals and wanting to eat rope or dirtclods.  She had never envied the state of a cow before.  But she coveted the sweet genetic bonds that bovine had to this furry, slimy angel in her arms.

Dexter finished winching and put his boot up on the bumper and lit up an electronic cigarette. He was trying to quit.

“How’s your baby, Mama?” said Dexter wryly.  Dexter always said things with adverbs.

Vanessa smiled and patted her calf’s calf.  “Dexter Aston McChest, how can you not want to have a baby when you’re covered in the miracle of life?”

His face clouded.  Like a face sky with emotion clouds.

“Oh no,” she thought. “I’ve gone too far.”

"Babies and me are complicated, Vanessa.  Russian novel complicated." Dexter said, the light of his fake cigarette punctuating his sentence.

But how could she be with a man, no matter how perfect, if he didn't want to have children?  Her womb would howl like a babyless canyon full of the winds of barren want.  Look how happy the cow was. Her mouth covered in the happy foam of birth exertions.  Passed out with the pure joy of almost splitting open from new life.  Didn't she want that for herself?

Dexter looked off into the distance. Straight into the afternoon sun. Because even his eyes were strong.

"Vanessa, it may come as a surprise to you but I had a child."

Vanessa gasped. Dexter sighed. All around them the air got denser as the plot thickened.

"I lost him and his mother in a helicopter crash. This was back when I was a Scottish prince.  He wasn't even mine.  She was a Brazilian heiress who was impregnated by the leader of the Cocoa Mafia.  I'd met her at a fashion ball, wearing a maternity gown by Versacci.  She needed to run away. I had a castle."

Dexter paused. Breathed out some nicotine substitute. His eyes furiously squinted at the sun like he was willing it to retreat.  It did.

"Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.  I promised to take care of her child.  We were going to name him Bilbo. We both loved J. R. R. I thought we had escaped, I thought I had taken all precautions but the Mafia Caocao found us.  A surface-to-air missile put a hole in our copter. And a hole in my heart."

Dexter shed one manly tear. It was made of motor oil.

Next Chapter: EVERYBODY GET (HOE)DOWN

Romance Novel Excerpts #3 - Lovers Ridge

My romance novel continues with Vanessa Lonelyheart and Dexter McChest as they race up to Lovers Ridge to save a struggling cow. Previous chapters of sexiness can be found here:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

What will happen on Lovers Ridge?  Will it live up to its name?  Or...not?

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

Excerpt from Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

In what language does Jeep mean love?  In what language does Wranglers?  Was it here? In the country of Hotandsweaty?  In the province of Chestmusk?  In the township of Hunk?  On the corner of Sexy and Woahmister?  Maybe.  Just maybe it was.

Dexter hadn't spoken one word the whole ride up.  He gripped the steering wheel like he was steering a ship. The roads here were little better than goat trails and the goats here were little bigger than cats. She could look over the side and see a rocky, squishy death.  Vanessa imagined if they fell, Dexter would wrap her in his arms and try to save her.  And they would crush together into one pulpy mass. There was something semi-erotic about futility.  Maybe even more than semi.

And then, because romantic daydreams are a real timewaster, they were there.  The cow was on its side.  She was frothing and moaning.  To Vanessa's mind, the cow was saying, "Please help me with the beautiful process of birth."  Her big moo eyes looked into Vanessa's.

"Vanessa, I know you want to be a mother," the cow seemed to say.

"No, cow. I can't. I have my career. And maybe Dexter. And he hates kids. " Vanessa said. Maybe out loud.

"Vanessa, I can hear your womb calling to me like a sonar. Fulfill your uteran destiny." the cow said like a spiritual guide, probably like one of those wise old black ladies that writers seem to stereotypically write into movies.

"Don't torment me, cow.  I have nothing but my fashion journalism and a dream. A man sized dream." Vanessa scream-whispered at her furry face.

"Vanessa, if he loves you, he'll fill you with a baby." said the cow. Then it threw up its fourth stomach.

"Vanessa! I need your help." said a very un-cow voice. It was Dexter.  He had chains in his man hands. With one side attached to his Jeep winch and the other end deep in that bovine.

"I need your lady strength, Vanessa.  I have to control this winch so I need you to help with the birth.  I know you've never done a single unsexy thing in your life but I need you to.  That baby calf needs you to.  That obese family in the future at Sizzler needs you to."

Vanessa paused.  It was true. She'd always been sexy.  What would Dexter think of her with makeup smeared and her hair redone in afterbirth?  Could charity extend this far?  Could her dreams be broken on this cow?  Would she save a life only to lose her social life?

"Cows are people, too, Nessie."  And she threw her Prada wrap into the mud/doodoo.

NEXT - CHAPTER 4 "Cow or Never"