My romance novel continues with Vanessa Lonelyheart and Dexter McChest as they race up to Lovers Ridge to save a struggling cow. Previous chapters of sexiness can be found here:
What will happen on Lovers Ridge? Will it live up to its name? Or...not?
THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH
Excerpt from Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge
In what language does Jeep mean love? In what language does Wranglers? Was it here? In the country of Hotandsweaty? In the province of Chestmusk? In the township of Hunk? On the corner of Sexy and Woahmister? Maybe. Just maybe it was.
Dexter hadn't spoken one word the whole ride up. He gripped the steering wheel like he was steering a ship. The roads here were little better than goat trails and the goats here were little bigger than cats. She could look over the side and see a rocky, squishy death. Vanessa imagined if they fell, Dexter would wrap her in his arms and try to save her. And they would crush together into one pulpy mass. There was something semi-erotic about futility. Maybe even more than semi.
And then, because romantic daydreams are a real timewaster, they were there. The cow was on its side. She was frothing and moaning. To Vanessa's mind, the cow was saying, "Please help me with the beautiful process of birth." Her big moo eyes looked into Vanessa's.
"Vanessa, I know you want to be a mother," the cow seemed to say.
"No, cow. I can't. I have my career. And maybe Dexter. And he hates kids. " Vanessa said. Maybe out loud.
"Vanessa, I can hear your womb calling to me like a sonar. Fulfill your uteran destiny." the cow said like a spiritual guide, probably like one of those wise old black ladies that writers seem to stereotypically write into movies.
"Don't torment me, cow. I have nothing but my fashion journalism and a dream. A man sized dream." Vanessa scream-whispered at her furry face.
"Vanessa, if he loves you, he'll fill you with a baby." said the cow. Then it threw up its fourth stomach.
"Vanessa! I need your help." said a very un-cow voice. It was Dexter. He had chains in his man hands. With one side attached to his Jeep winch and the other end deep in that bovine.
"I need your lady strength, Vanessa. I have to control this winch so I need you to help with the birth. I know you've never done a single unsexy thing in your life but I need you to. That baby calf needs you to. That obese family in the future at Sizzler needs you to."
Vanessa paused. It was true. She'd always been sexy. What would Dexter think of her with makeup smeared and her hair redone in afterbirth? Could charity extend this far? Could her dreams be broken on this cow? Would she save a life only to lose her social life?
"Cows are people, too, Nessie." And she threw her Prada wrap into the mud/doodoo.
NEXT - CHAPTER 4 "Cow or Never"
And then, because romantic daydreams are a real timewaster, they were there. The cow was on its side. She was frothing and moaning. To Vanessa's mind, the cow was saying, "Please help me with the beautiful process of birth." Her big moo eyes looked into Vanessa's.
"Vanessa, I know you want to be a mother," the cow seemed to say.
"No, cow. I can't. I have my career. And maybe Dexter. And he hates kids. " Vanessa said. Maybe out loud.
"Vanessa, I can hear your womb calling to me like a sonar. Fulfill your uteran destiny." the cow said like a spiritual guide, probably like one of those wise old black ladies that writers seem to stereotypically write into movies.
"Don't torment me, cow. I have nothing but my fashion journalism and a dream. A man sized dream." Vanessa scream-whispered at her furry face.
"Vanessa, if he loves you, he'll fill you with a baby." said the cow. Then it threw up its fourth stomach.
"Vanessa! I need your help." said a very un-cow voice. It was Dexter. He had chains in his man hands. With one side attached to his Jeep winch and the other end deep in that bovine.
"I need your lady strength, Vanessa. I have to control this winch so I need you to help with the birth. I know you've never done a single unsexy thing in your life but I need you to. That baby calf needs you to. That obese family in the future at Sizzler needs you to."
Vanessa paused. It was true. She'd always been sexy. What would Dexter think of her with makeup smeared and her hair redone in afterbirth? Could charity extend this far? Could her dreams be broken on this cow? Would she save a life only to lose her social life?
"Cows are people, too, Nessie." And she threw her Prada wrap into the mud/doodoo.
NEXT - CHAPTER 4 "Cow or Never"
After this chapter, I'm beginning to believe that this romance novel parallels yours and Valerie's courtship and subsequent marriage. It must have been your Wranglers that led me to that conclusion. I know how fond of Wranglers you are.
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