Metonymy
Say my name until it breaks,
into noise, into nonsense.
Make it tumbler, lose savor,
pass phases of familiarity.
When it resembles nothing,
not even a sound you dreamed once,
then you have broken its power
to harm you.
View my body the same
inside this puzzle box.
It will be best if I disintegrate in your eyes.
A sandcastle piecing into a black wave
you’ve thrown on me.
Molecules spinning off like leaves,
my skin changing to dust.
I will open like a hinge,
revealing a cornucopia.
By this anniversary,
I will be an outline of former things,
reading my own bones.
Watch for me in the spring, nephew.
When the first blonde blades nurse up,
know my head grows it.
Find my crabapple eyes,
while the spiders weave my veins
to catch the dew.
I have fastened my arms in the roots,
my tongue has split into worms,
to make birds that caw out my laugh
to you when you come.
great title
ReplyDeleteI like it, it's not as forthcoming as your other work. That's not what I like about it. Those were two separate thoughts. I should have thought out that puncuation better. Too late now.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is I don't really get it. And I realize what a lame comment that is.
I know what the word means, and I know what you're saying, I'm just not sure how it all fits together, or why. You know?
LESS EPIC POETRY, MORE PEOPLE GETTING HIT IN THE CROTCH
ReplyDeleteI don't know. The last 2/3 is so wonderful. But I don't like the beginning. It feels over-explaining.
ReplyDeleteAn idea: eliminate most of the first stanza and part of the second so it reads
"Say my name until it breaks/
I will disintegrate in your eyes/
A sandcastle . . . ."
A tough omission, maybe, but for me it communicates better. The lines in the remainder are so vivid, and the pace crescendoes--I'd let them carry the entire poem. The meaning is still clear. Perhaps clearer even, because some of those opening lines are confusing in their abstraction.
Thanks, Stubs. Yeah, this one doesn't really feel complete to me yet. It's a first draft so it shouldn't, I suppose. But there's something to it that I haven't been able to figure out yet. I think you're right about the first stanza. I was worried that the second half would be too abstract and then it turned out okay and now the first stanza is too explanatory.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the read and critique.