Olympics for Everybody!

So some of you may or may not know about the greatest Olympic event ever. It's called the Pentathlon and it's the pinnacle of human performance. Now, NBC is not willing to show it on primetime because other events like swimming and track are bigger crowd draws. But the Pentathlon is better because it's both! And MORE!

Here's the deal. The ancient Pentathlon involved wrestling, discus throwing, swimming, running, and I think conquering a barbarian people. The modern Pentathlon, starting in 1912, was supposed to simulate a soldier stuck behind enemy lines. So you must in theory complete these five events to escape the Enemy.

--Epee Fencing

--Pistol Shooting

--Swimming

--Running

--Riding an Unfamiliar Horse

Hooked, yet?! How could you not be? Shooting and Horse Riding? Fencing plus Swimming? It makes every other event look silly. What's that? You only pole vault? Wuss! What did you say? You only play Basketball? Underachiever!

I vote for a combination of all sports. This is the Olympics I envision. 200 M Breast Stroke/Bowling. Gymnastics/Tug-of-War/Cooking. We're going way too easy on these athletes.


Valerie and I have decided to host our own Olympic event in Prospect Park. Our very own Pentathlon or Septathlon or Twentyathlon or something. You can do it, too! Have a series of inane Olympic events and celebrate your very own brand of raw athleticism.

Here's some events we've decided upon:

The Egg on a Spoon Race

Bean Bag Toss

Naming of Countries/States/or Candy Bars

Running Backwards

Blind Taste Testing

and more...

So go ahead, host it up. Gather some friends and get your awesome on.


And in case, you can't see me as a real Pentathlete here's what I'm going to look like. Yes, I'm going to run and swim with my gun and sword. And I may be scared of horses right now but it'll be the horse that's scared. When I have my gun.