Here's some old letters to Santa I wrote when I was a kid. Just dug them out of my box of memories my Nama is keeping for me in Michigan. I always kept duplicates in case Santa got skeptical or got my order wrong.
Dear Santa,
Just one addendum to my previous letter, I think I might have left out: Clone. And no this is not a Get-a-Clone-a-Year-To-Infinitely-Double-My-Yearly-Loot scheme. I just need one. Because I’m lonely. For myself.
But just hypothetically, clones count as real people in your book, right? With full Santa benefits? I just need to know. And pretty soon, too. At least before I get some useless clone shoved under my tree.
Love,
Shamus
Dear Santa,
Could you make it so I come from a house of ill repute? I think that would really help my street cred.
Yours,
Shamus
Dear Santa,
I need some dingoes. Because nobody f@%*s with dingoes. Not even Lucas “The Fist” Bitmeister.
Your Penpal,
Shamus
Dear Santa,
Could I have less socks this year? Am I in danger of frostbite? And are any of those reindeer gay? Because a few of them really sound gay.
Best,
Shamus
Dear Santa,
I’m worried about my health. I know I’m only 8 and all but I had a real close one today. Just picture me, a barreling garbage truck, and my stack of X-Men comics falling out of my Jansport.
Anyway, I’d just like some of that stuff that’s keeping you going. How about a trade? Just a little suck on the teat of immortality and you won’t have to lug that air hockey table to my place.
Thinking of You,
Shamus
Hilarious James. I really liked the first one. I think that ad you had at the top was interesting. I totally want to do things like that for my son. The whole climbing on the roof, and stomping around crap. I want that kid to be certain that Santa is real.
ReplyDeleteI f@%* with dingos. This comment must be short because I'm f@%*ing with one right now (That sounds A LOT dirtier than I had intended).
ReplyDeleteI think Santa may take you up on the offer to suck on the "teat of immortality" in return for not having to haul an air hockey table to your place. Heck, if I were Santa, I know I would!
ReplyDeleteTo Ben,
ReplyDeleteYou.Are.Gross.
love, valerie
I thought people who were from houses of ill repute just did things like bite their thumbs at each other.
ReplyDeleteWOW! This is priceless!
ReplyDeleteAnd James...I have learned my lesson. No more blog lameness. I know the rules now.
Also Ben...WHAT? How could that not sound as dirty as it does?
Did you really write those when you were little? Because I feel very inferior right now.
ReplyDelete-Bonnie's Kid