Let me show you what I mean by a close study. I try to write a different version of the poem I'm reading. I try to imitate it with my own words. I try to stay in the same cloth. In further drafts, I'll break the seams. But for now, and this one is the closest I may have written, I stay close. First is Denise Levertov's poem. Afterwards is mine.
Gone Away
When my body leaves me
I'm lonesome for it.
I've got
eyes, ears,
nose and mouth
and that's all.
Eyes
keep on seeing the
feather blue of the
cold sky,
mouth takes in
hot soup,
nose
smells the frost,
ears hear everything, all
the noises and absences,
but body
goes away to I don't know where
and it's lonesome to drift
above the space it
fills when it's here.
MY VERSION NOW. Though it's daunting to put up a poem right after a master like Levertov.
I Need What I Don't Want
When my guilt leaves me,
I'm lonesome for it,
I still have
anger, confusion,
closed eyes and fists,
but that's all
Anger
keeps the mind
filled with blood,
though confusion,
makes my years
fold together
like a map
the present gets crowded
perhaps because I close my eyes
and still smile
smiles of fists, smiles
that shout 'regardless'.
I need guilt to steer
because it's lonesome
to walk without the past
guiding at the elbow.
Wow... you did stay AMAZINGLY close, but still unique. You did a phenomenal job, James. Can I ask how you choose the author's you want to mimic? And why are you choosing to pattern poems after theirs? I'm intersted in increasing my own creativity and poetic style, does this help?
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Mostly because it is so similar in structure but subject matter is different. Might be cool to do a series with other emotions. But what do I know, I am no poet.
ReplyDelete