Versus #1: A Crazy Homeless Dude

I have never been in a fight. I have never been punched in the face. People have wanted to punch me in the face. People have even promised to fight me, shoved me, or stared me down. But as of yet, no one has followed through.

But if I started fighting, I have some predictions.

THE MAIN EVENT

IN THE RATTY TRUNKS:

CRAZY HOMELESS GUY (not to be confused with regular Harmless Homeless Guy)
KNOWN POWERS:

Nose Punches of Mega Stench

Confusing Gibberish

General Disregard for Rules of Fighting

Blood Disease

SIGNATURE MOVE:

Biting and Grappling while the assailed is trying to keep the saliva out of his eyes

WEAKNESSES:

Money

Leftover Steak in a To Go Box

A Kitty Parade (a weakness for everybody)

IN THE LINEN TRUNKS:

JAMES "SOFT TOUCH" BEST

KNOWN POWERS:

High Tolerance for Gross Out

Daddy Issues

Disarming Jokes and Grins

Viking Bones

SIGNATURE MOVE:

The "Why Would You Want to Hit Little Old Me?" Smile

WEAKNESSES:

A Good Soft Cheese

Prefers To Keep His Nose Unbroken

Pictures of Baby Animals

ROUND 1

Crazy Homeless Guy after punching himself in the head and screaming for the demons to leave, suddenly leaps onto James, quietly reading on the subway. After shrieking and wrestling off the first wave, James stands in the middle of the subway car, scared that he won't be able to wash off the stink. Realizing he won't be able to avoid an altercation, James hunkers down for a brawl.

ROUND 2

Crazy Homeless Guy launches an all out smell-o-ttack at James. James uses his brain box to lie about imaginary bottles of schnapps and leftover bag fries that he promises are in the next car. Crazy Homeless Guy gets confused, starts scratching himself and looking around for the promised goods. James tries to draw an instructional diagram in his notebook about what "This Car" and "Not This Car" means. Crazy Homeless Guy barks.

ROUND 3

James braces for the subway car to slow down at the next stop. Crazy Homeless Guy starts shuffling towards James. He puts out his hands for money. James reaches into one of his pockets. His left hand is trapped! Crazy Homeless strikes, leaping off his non-diabetic foot. James wheels back, the door opens, he minds the gap, and he is free. Running down the platform, his flip flops making manly sounds slapping against the cement, howls of the homeless behind him.

WINNER: ME (if I don't have hepatitis)