Airport People

I am at JFK airport waiting for a flight to Salt Lake.  And I'm people watching.  And judging a little.  But mostly I have questions.  Questions about the travel attire and personalities of these people.  A lot of them are the same type of people you see at every airport.  You've seen them.  You may have had the same questions.  Take this journey with me.

OVERLOUD BUSINESSMAN - I get it.  You're on a 'business call'.  Money is 'on the line'. You're 'important'. It's business time.  But what the hell is wrong with your ears?  Are your ears full of money?  Does the loudness of your voice communicate to Other Important Businessman how much money is on the line? Because by the volume, China must be hemorrhaging  yuans. How many decibels does self-importance require?

PAJAMA GIRL - Sure.  Comfort.  We all want to be comfortable.  But have we sunk this low as the human race?  Sure, we don't all wear dresses and suits anymore.  The modern world is very casual. But we have to draw a line. Or else we'll all be looking like you.  Imagine that world. Just crawl out of bed and go to work.  Eat dinner in your pjs.  Get married in them.  Maybe we could swear in the President in footie pajamas. Pretty soon, we'd think to ourselves: Why even change?  Why even shower?  Why do anything more than eat and sleep? Let's become a whole planet of comfortable slobs.

SUPER DRESSED UP GIRL – We’re on the same 5 hour flight right? Arriving at midnight in Salt Lake City?  On a Wednesday?  So where’s the club?  Because I know it’s not in Salt Lake.  And I know you spent three hours on how you look. So what’s the deal? Are you hoping to meet someone at the airport bar?  Do you just want to make the rest of us, with our airplane pillows and sweatshirts, look like schlubs? The way you have to sit to keep that skirt on is making my legs itch.  And your shoes look like railroad spikes.  And your top looks more like you were dipped in plastic than dressed.  You and Pajama Girl should talk. Find a happy medium.

OVER EAGER PLAN SHARER – Hey, I like talking to people.  I love people.  They are my favorite mammal.  But dude, I’ve been on a plane before.  This is not the early 1900s where plane travel was an oddity.  This is how we get around.  And I don’t need to understand every step of your journey.  What's that you say? You have a layover?! What do you want me to do?  Commiserate? Oh, cruel plane company, you should have planned better for Danny, native of Pocatello, ID, from a family of 7 who are going to share his 26^th birthday with him, except for Holly, who is expecting her third child soon, Danny who checked two bags and is mad he had to pay for one of them...why, why, why, do I know this?

THUGGED OUT DUDE STARING EVERYONE DOWN - What's your end goal with this?  Are you going to get into a fight with one of us?  You do know that this airport is full of not only cops but Air Marshalls, Feds, and the Army?  Go ahead.  Pull something.  You will poop yourself if an M-16 gets pointed at you.  Or maybe you're in a bad mood.  Oh, that's original.  Look at me.  I'm mad in an airport.  I have to wait and stuff. This seat is uncomfortable.  I ate a Cinnabon and I think the sugar is eating my colon.  We've all been there, gangster.  Now stop sizing everybody up.  Because I guarantee you cannot take STRESSED OUT MOM WITH MONKEY KIDS.  I would bet on her anyday.