EDIE: Pop! I saw a baby yesterday and he had teeth. I need some of those.
POP: You're only three months old. You won't get teeth for a while.
EDIE: But gums are so newborn! I want some chompers.
POP: Well, I'm sorry. Teeth are fickle. There's no way to tell when they'll come in. It might be in three months or in a year.
EDIE: How do you know this crap? Are you a doctor? Oh my gosh. Wait until I tell the other babies.
POP: Yeah, I'm a doctor. That's why I'm home so much.
EDIE: I'm going to be rich! Yay! I'm a doctor's baby! Is Mom a lawyer? Is that why she's so good at winning arguments with you?
POP: Hold on. You didn't understand my tone.
EDIE: I was afraid because of all the paintings and books contained in this tastefully hip living space that I see I'm growing up in that you and Mom were some sort of weirdo idealists that didn't believe in selling out.
POP: That's us. Weirdo idealists.
EDIE: Wait. Which one is the joke? Are you and Mom loaded or not?
POP: We're in the arts.
EDIE: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!
POP: Hey, hey. Stop crying. Your Mom is trying to sleep.
EDIE: Oh, great. Is she getting her subjective beauty sleep? So she can wake up and add more pretention to the world?
POP: Hey, little girl, art is how you came about.
EDIE: Oh, really? You composed me as a poem and then Mom interpreted me into existence via dance? No, wait. Did you paint a picture and then sing me out of the wet canvas?
POP: Are these euphemisms or are you just being obtuse?
EDIE: What words are those?! Art words? Poor smart people words?
POP: You know, I am going to find you a doctor dad. As soon as we get done here, I'm putting you up for adoption on some medical craigslist. Ugh. Obtuse means difficult to understand. Euphemism is making a suggestive synonym for sex.
EDIE: What's sex?
POP: What? You don't? Ooooh. Nope. I'm not doing this now. Let's get back to teeth.
EDIE: What is sex? What is it?
POP: No way. You're going to have to wait 12 more years before we have this talk. Or hear it from one of your middle school friend's slutty sisters.
EDIE: What is IT?! I need to know. Don't make me learn how to crawl so I can get to a computer that is hopefully on the floor and not password protected and google this.
POP: Soooo teeth are a fickle part of the body. It's not a milestone in development, it just happens whenever the body is ready.
POP: Don't do that. Don't attach pictures of you with your duck pacifier. You know I can't handle that level of cuteness.
EDIE: Just buy me some baby dentures until my real ones come and tell me all about this mysterious s-e-x.
POP: I just shivered slash gagged at the thought of a baby with a full set of teeth.
EDIE: You're stalling. My lawyer Mom would have already told me. Because she'd be too busy making money.
POP: What's your obsession with money?
EDIE: I want a solid gold diaper! Go get a real job, Art School!
POP: Fine. You want to know what sex is? It's when two people hopefully might possibly love each other...
EDIE: Ew, there's love?! Gross. Shut it down!
I was enjoying this until i saw the photo with the duck pacifier. That's when she blinded me with cuteness and made me forget what i had read.
ReplyDelete