Things Some City Jerk Might Say When He Gets Into Nature
"Sometimes, I forget what trees smell like, you know?"
"I just want to go to where Taco Bell hasn't."
"Guys, nature is like losing yourself and finding yourself at the same time. Like an only child playing hide n seek."
"Let's live out here!"
"This is so real. This is a realer real. Like what I'm dealing with in the city seems real but then I get out here and all that fake real peels away. This is my real now."
"Can I crap anywhere? Will the animals eat my turds? If you eat turds do they become instant turds? Like a digestive HOV lane?"
"We should just get naked. We should do this hike with the wind at our buttcheeks."
"I saw Into the Wild. Let's not eat those mushrooms."
"Nature is ah-mazing! Robinson Crusoe was so lucky! So was Castaway Tom Hanks!"
"What kind of bird was that? Nobody knows? NOBODY knows?!"
"I'm so sick of City Me. Let's kill him. Who wants to enter into a murder suicide pact with me?"
"Who's going to help me check my nethers for ticks?"
"I'm so glad my phone gets no service here. It's so freeing. It's so nice to unplug...do you think the world is okay? How will we know? We can't. Because you took us into Deliverance rapetropolis. The real people in the cities could all be nuclear ash but we're stuck in a place god can't even see with no way to...twitter update! Oh, John Mayer!"
"Ew! Get it off me! Get this nature off me!"
I'm ashamed (or proud?) that a lot of these would apply to me. "what is that SMELL? Oh, it's..it's dirth. earth."
ReplyDeleteAlso, +10 for "neithers"
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ReplyDeletedirt, not dirth. my subconscious is always trying to combine words.
ReplyDeleteJen, this is pretty much me, too. I'm really making fun of myself. So we should both just venture into the woods so we can see how stupid we sound.
ReplyDeleteThe last time we went on the Appalachian trail, I actually thought things like, "Oh really? Not a single boulder is dry? I'm going to get my dungarees wet."
I've never actually said the word dungarees though.
"Raincoat shmaincoat! I wanna be baptized in the fertile tears of Mother Nature!"
ReplyDeletePortland is the best fusion of city and nature that I know of, and you basically cannot be cool here without a little moss in your beard. So I'd like to call myself outdoorsy. I do adore hiking and climbing trees and sitting on rocks and all that rot. But I don't really like camping... or even, um, eating outside.