Monday, October 29, 2012
A Letter From Hurricane Sandy
Dear East Coasters,
I meant to communicate this earlier but you know how time gets away from you. One day, you're packing up all the wind and terror you want to bring in your suitcase and suddenly it's next week and you're looming over these fancy pants New England beach mansions. It's not my fault there's no cell towers in the Atlantic. That's Verizon's fault. Best coverage, my eye of the storm.
So I went old school. I wrote a letter. It should get to you guys in time if your Post Office mantra is actually true. Rain and hail and gail force winds and all. Here's the deal. I've got a few beefs to clear up on the right coast and maybe we just all cool down while I get my rage on.
1) Atlantic City - I lost a lot of money there last year and so help me if they don't give me better odds at the tables, I'm going to drown that godless butthole of a Jersey town. Gambling is an addiction, folks. And I've got it. I picked up a metal buoy somewhere around North Carolina and started spinning it around in my cyclone and all I could see was red and black. I wanted it to land on 22 but instead it landed on a shrimp boat.
2) Providence - You guys still celebrate Victory Over Japan day. That's ridiculous. The rest of the country moved to the more politically correct Veterans Day and Memorial Day. But noooo, you have to keep bringing up The Bomb. I know you're not saying "The Bomb" or making floats with mushroom clouds on it but it's implied, isn't it? So I'm going to slap your faces with my righteous wave anger until you knock it off, you ingrates.
3) Staten Island - Here's what's up. I want everyone to leave. The whole island. Just get up and move out of your houses and I will come in there and wipe the whole thing clean. This storm is 30 percent fueled by embarrassment. For you. Because you're part of New York City. You're one of the Five Boroughs. And you're the lamest one.
I mean Manhattan is freaking Manhattan. It's the Center of the Free World. Brooklyn is probably the Center of Cool. Queens has it's own old world style. The Bronx is really great at crime. But Staten Island, you're just a boring mole on New York's beautiful gentrified skin. I want to cut you out. With an instrument of wind and felled trees. And maybe we can save you. Finally make you worthy of that New York name.
4) The Hamptons - I hate your face, you phonies. Suck my water.
5) Gold Coast - You're almost worst. You don't even claim New York. You just work there and prance back (in traffic) to your McMansions. Mostly I'm angry because you jerks locked me out of a house I wanted there. But I was just a summer storm back then. I wasn't good enough for you. But now I'm a Category 1, suddenly Sotheby's is taking my call. Well, kiss my gusts, Sotheby's. I'm going to flatten that house I wanted. I checked. There's no one inside. Except Pretention.
6)D.C. - My voter registration didn't go through. I thought I'd just drop it off at the White House. It may be soggy.
Well, have a good weathering. Sorry for all the hubbub. Those weather channels really hype me up, huh? Well, they should. Because I'm a bad mamajama. I'll eat your family. Just kidding. No, I'm not. Ok, not your extendeds. I'm not a monster.
Category Number 1!