Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Skowhegan's Controversial Community Programs

An Excerpt from Page 12 of Skowhegan's Community Programs Brochure


Does it make you so durn mad how the rich folks just throw away their edible treasures?  Did you know that you can microwave almost any old food no matter how maggoty and make it non-poison?  Did you see me rummaging the KFC dumpster and think, man, that guy's got a fried-in-gold idea?  Then you need to take my class!

Get to know a local celebrity! Me! Kipper Dee!  First class:  Me regaling you with stories of crap I've found.  Like live lobsters fighting live rats! Six human toes! Bangles from the band The Bangles! The jackpot of all hot sauce packet repositories! A half man/half goat!  Actual crap!

CLASS FEE: $150.46 OR  Commit to every class bringing me the KIPPER DEE BLEEDS RED BREAKFAST:  Red Vines, Marlboro Reds, and Code Red

TIME: 5:00 - 6:30 AM  (Perfect time for dumpstering. Not too early to make cops suspicious. Not too late to run into owners.)

DURATION:  6 Weeks (Possible extension if the County Fair moves up to June. I'll need some help with a haul of that magnitude.)


My name is Owen. I am so lonely. Please sign up for my class.  I just can't handle the idea that no one will sign up.  I will cook you dinner.  I can make a stroganoff. Just come to my house. We can watch a movie. Any movie you want. I'll buy it. I am not a weirdo. I'll wear a straightjacket if you'll feel safer. I admit it's not really a class.  It's just an excuse and Andy down at the Shawtown Community Center said he'd put it in the brochure if he had room.  I'm just hoping he has room

Do you like sports? We can watch them.  Do you like origami?  I'll order the special paper. Do you want a dog?  Do you want me to take care of it?  I will.  You can visit it.  I could be into MMA Fighting or Bird Watching.  I can like what you like.

CLASS FEE:  You will make $20.

TIME:  Evenings are best because that's when the lonelies set in and I feel the darkness coming to smother me.

DURATION:  At least through the talk shows.  Please stay that long. I can't use sleeping pills all the time.  I can't sleep my life away.


Are you a Chandler? Or a Phoebe?  Maybe you're the character Giovanni Ribisi played in the later seasons?  Don't know his name?  Then you have no place with us!  We know his name!  Did you name your baby Emma after Rachel named her baby Emma?  We did.  We all had babies immediately to be like her and went to our hair stylists and said "Give us the Rachel."  Do you wish there was a Friends reunion?  Should we kidnap the cast and have one?  That's a great idea for a class.  We're so glad we came up with it.

Do you have a character you want to play?  Because Monica and Rachel and Gunther and Tom Selleck's character Richard Burke are taken. (Even though the people playing Monica and Richard are not really married in real life anymore, they set aside differences for the role playing.)  Where's our Phoebe at?  Getting spit on by a bum?  Do you know that reference?!  Pi-VOT!  Margaritas! Naked man!

CLASS FEE:  Buy us a replacement Season 7 and we'll call it even.

TIME:  We watch and play Friends during the historically scheduled time the show was on the air.

DURATION:  For as long as TBS keeps doing reruns.