Gettysburg 1863: Imagining How Andy Donkin and James Best Would Do In Old Timey War

GETTYSBURG 1863:  An Imaginary Conversation Between Me and Andy Donkin On the Battlefield

 

This is me and Andy near Gettysburg back in like 2011.  He had two knives that we could put on our belts and we looked awesome.  It's amazing this photo was able to be held steady because of Valerie's mocking laughter as she held it.  I started thinking about what it would be like if Andy and I were soldiers during that time and how Gettysburg would go down for us.  This is probably the most historically accurate thing I've ever written.

SCENE:  The Blues and Grays are charging each other.  Andy and James are charging and firing.  They both realize the flag bearer is dead next to them and the flag is now on the ground. 

ANDY

That’s our flag. You should pick that up.

JAMES

My arms aren’t as strong as yours.  The flag is yours.

ANDY
James, that is the symbol of our liberty. I am giving you a gift.  Do you not accept my gift?

JAMES

I want to accept it. I do. But I just feel like I’d be taking away something special from you.

ANDY

And I’m questioning your patriotism.  Now raise up the flag and show me you’re a patriot.

JAMES

You’re the only one questioning it then.  Jones, whose guts you’re stepping in, never questioned it.  Neither did Rutherford whose boots I was stealing while the charge was going on.

ANDY

Those are magnificent boots. I admire the accent stitching.

JAMES

They’re deer fat cured.  Fit me like a dream.

ANDY

And I have such workman boots.  Just another reason you should carry the flag.  You’ll look more stylish doing it.

JAMES

Ah, but General Grant said he wants working class men carrying the flag.  The men follow the working class better. I’d look like too much of a dandy.  I defer to you.

ANDY

Ah, but my features are too English for our conscripted Irish immigrant army.   You’re a bit more Mick than me.  I defer to you.

JAMES

Ah, but I’m a 16^th Native American which is very evident by my thick luxurious hair. Racism is still so alive in the 19^th century.  The flag bearing be yours.

ANDY

Ah, but I’m needed for funny quips when General Grant rouses the men.  I’m up for promotion for quips alone.  The flag bearing goes to you.

JAMES

But U-lys, that’s what his friends call him, needs me for missives to send back to Lincoln. I’m a smashing missive giver.  Too invaluable.

ANDY

Are you saying that you are scared to hold aloft our liberty?

JAMES

I am saying you are, sir.

ANDY

Don’t bandy my words, sir.  I am naming you a coward.  Hoist our standard!

JAMES

It takes a coward to know one.

ANDY

I think you should ponder what you just said.

JAMES

(ponders)

Oh, double damn!

ANDY

Can we just be straight arrows for a moment?

JAMES

I don’t know, can you ever be straight?

Andy and James both chuckle at themselves. A hail of bullets force them to drop to the ground.

ANDY
Holding that flag is like holding a death wish. 

JAMES

Yes! Why does anyone volunteer for it?  It’s like, “Look at me! I’m a slow moving target! Please put a thousand musket balls in me!”

ANDY

Whenever Grant asks for volunteers, I always pretend like I’m examining some jam in my pistol.

JAMES

I tell my commanding officer my dysentery flared up again.

ANDY
War is not the good time campout and rifle firing outing I thought it would be.  There's a lot more leg cutting off and maggot food.

JAMES

I know, right? War blows like the wind.

ANDY

I say we just bury the flag and get the H out of here.

JAMES

Thank you.  Let’s bury this tattered mother and flee to Canada.

ANDY

I’ve always wanted to be a mountain man.

JAMES

Can we live in a mountain next to a city? I really am a dandy.

ANDY

Like that's a secret.  Now I’ll get to burying while you smear us with Jones's blood.

JAMES

In case we have to play dead. Brilliant.

ANDY

Burying!

JAMES
Smearing!