1. First, I JUST AM!
2. He doesn't do anything. He just hangs around different high schools listening to banal conversations like he's looking for something to feel superior to.
3. I hang out in the sun. Which rules. And my sweet tan looks way better than Pillsbury face.
4. If I had vampire superpowers, I would use them for the greater good. I wouldn't hang out in some lame-o hick town. I'd be fighting supervillians. And my name would be The Sparkle.
5. I'm not moody. I smile a lot. And I'm funny. And Edward Cullen IS NOT FUNNY! I read that book. He never says anything funny. And neither does Stephenie Meyer.
6. My ability to eat makes me more fun at restaurants. And less creepy. And makes people less conscious about their weight because I don't lurk around food like an anorexic middle school girl.
7. I like animals. They're awesome. I don't bum rush them in the woods and suck their life out.
8. I stopped a van once. Big deal.
9. I keep civic traffic laws. Because I'm responsible. And not an anarchist douche.
10. When Valerie sleeps I don't stand in the corner of her room and watch her like a PERV. I just go to bed next to her. And if vampires come in the middle of the night to kill her, that's crazy. I mean, what are the chances of that? How can I be constantly prepared for that sort of thing?
This was undeniably hilarious. Which, as you said, was the opposite of Twilight.
ReplyDeletecouple things:
ReplyDeleteYou've never stopped a van. ever.
I've been in a car with you--enough said.
I believe you would kill animals if you weren't completely terrified of them.
Thank you, Carrie. Well, a few parts of Twilight are hilarious. I think the line being, "Hold on, Spider Monkey."
ReplyDeleteAnnie,
You weren't there! There was a van. And I stopped it. With my strength.
I'm not terrified of all animals. Just big ones. By the way, I was at a zoo and the two biggest Clydesdales I'd ever seen came running around this barn and I thought I was going to die. They were like tanks with manes.
Hey, watch it, lady.
ReplyDelete"The Sparkle" made me happy.
ReplyDeletewhat makes edward cullen better than james:
ReplyDeletesecond movie, first scene: Edward Cullen walking across parking lot toward Bella, his half smile, so hottttttt.
Ask Val, she will show you, and then you will agree with me and write an apology to Edward. You can't traverse a parking lot and half smile at the same time.
Also, how could you stop a van? I thought you were scared of those too, the tear drop kind.