Romance Novel Excerpt #6: Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Check out previous chapters from my fake romance novel.

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH


Excerpt from Chapter 6: Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Can a heart explode?  Shatter and reconstitute like a red batch of mercury?  Can a symbol become a reality? Can a medical impossibility happen just once?  Because Vanessa Lonelyheart felt the sharpest hyperbole within her chest.  When she saw the love of her life, Dexter McChest, dancing with his old girlfriend. Sandra Effing Bullock.

Though when Vanessa knew her she was just Sandra Effing. Later she added the Bullock to make her sound more British. Little ol' Sandy, trying to make her way into big ol' Hollywood. Dexter fell for her right before she got that Speed movie with either Bill or Ted.  He was fresh from being banned from Scotland and he was lonely, hurt, and looking for honest work so he wouldn't have to dip into his rainy day funds of 400 million pounds.  And there was Miss Congeniality swinging her buttcheeks back and forth in her daisy dukes. Cute and sassy.  Practicing lines while working as a waitress at the the local restaurant Cowmurderteria.

Ugh. Why was she telling Sandra Effing Superskank Bullock's story?  This was her inner monologue wasn't it?  She doesn't have to explain crap to you, reader.  She can selfishly focus on herself and her complex feelings of betrayal and lust.  Which sometimes she calls betrayalust or belustal.  Also, Superskank is a Norwegian name that Sandra took on after she found her real father, Lars Superskank.  It sounds like Soap-oor-skunk.

Dexter saw her.  His hawk eyes dove upon Vanessa's lingering mouse eyes.  And then his hand gestured her over.  It was too late.  She wanted to run away.  Maybe back through the rose bushes until her clothes were shredded and hanging from her like designer spider webs.  And then jump on a mustang and ride like hellwheels into the dessert where she would fall prey to a desperate situation, like a rattlesnake lair or a polygamist cult, that only Dexter's ingenuity and gunmanship could save her from.  But instead, she just walked over.

"Hey, Sandra." said Vanessa compexily, "How's movies? Weren't you in that movie where the white lady helps the black ladies learn to read or write a book or something?"

"Vanessers," said Sandra very America's Sweetheartily, "I was in The Blind Side.  You're thinking of The Blind Side 2: The Help.  How are you?  How's your media mogul boyfriend?"

"Less mogulish these days.  How's your movie going where you like ladies and men?"

Dexter squinted his eyes.  Gotcha, Vanessa thought.  Dexter thinks poorly of bisexuals.  He finds it wishy-washy.  Point: Vanessers. But then Sandra countered with her million watt smile and genuinely nice personality.

"Oh, V-Hearts, you're thinking of the Nancy Reagan movie.  And I'm not even sure I want to do that smut pic. But it's so wonderful you follow my career. And not out of soul crushing jealousy but out of genuine interest and fondness for our friendship."

Vanessa's Sarcasm Meter was turned all the way to High Nuance Examination and yet she heard nothing.  Sandra Effing Superskank Partyswooping Manstealer Bullock PhD was actually just as nice as she sounded.  Damn her golden heart.  It would take too long to explain the "Partyswooping" and "Manstealing" but the PhD was in Astrohumanities.

"Well, Sandra. Dexter," Vanessa sighed giving uppily, "I have to go.  I've already hoedowned much too much and my get down muscles are tired."

Vanessa walked away like a sad doe who just got her herd shot down by life's cruel hunters.  The herd was her hopes. Dexter's eyes wanted to follow her out but they were connected to his skull which was too gentlemanly to leave a lady unattended on the dance floor.

"Wait, Vanessa." Dexter called after her.  She turned around like one of her herd was just wounded and was trying to stand on its bloody legs.  Dexter ripped off his shirt and threw it to her.

"Take it.  In case it gets cold. It's a desert outside."

Vanessa eyes sparkled in the light of Yankee Candles.  Her moist lipped mouth spoke from her heartbox.

"It's a desert inside, too."

NEXT CHAPTER: Two Can Play At Solitaire

ROMANCE NOVEL EXCERPT #5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

Catch up on previous chapters:

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

Excerpt from Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

The Annual Gentrified County Community Awareness Bucks for Border Patrol Hoedown was in full swing.  The night was Texas hot and clothes stuck to skin like panko.  It reminded Vanessa of making love.  The dragonflies riding by two by two reminded Vanessa of making love.  Even the young couple in the bushes who were making love reminded Vanessa of making love.  Oh, what a cruel night.  Her heart felt as swelled up as a blood sponge.

Vanessa Lonelyheart sauntered sadly through the ranch's prize winning rose garden.  And even though it had won Best- Rose-Garden-in-the-World-and-Probably-One-of-the-New-Seven-Wonders, the beauty didn't stir her.  Nothing stirred her.  Except for Dexter McChest.

She hadn't spoken to him since they helped that cow give birth.  It was an afternoon too intimate, too full of revelations.  The revelation about Dexter's sort of wife and child, their death by surface-to-air missile, what a cow placenta looked like.  And Dexter.  She had seen a real feeling inside of Dexter.  A man who had loved a child and perhaps could love one again.  That made Vanessa's womb jump.  Like a little basketball inside her guts court.

From her rose garden of solitude, she could hear the laughter and fiddles.  It was her old friend Yo Yo Ma going to town. Anybody who was anybody was in there dancing their fancy dance pants off. Senators, movie stars, socialites, oil sheiks, steel barons, submarine captains, time travelers, kids show hosts, lady spies, hawk trainers, sommeliers, rap battlers, and neighbors all dancing and writing checks to support the Texas Border Patrol and their new laser gun initiative. And somewhere in there, promenading with girl after girl, was Dexter.

"What are you doing, Vanessa? Your man is in there." said one half of the young couple who were just doing it a few rose bushes down from her.

"Yeah," said the other half. "You can't just wallow in your thoughts out here no matter how interesting they are.  You have to go inside and fight for that dude."

Vanessa put on her sexy pouty face and informed them, "Listen, I need a certain amount of introspection per chapter.  I can't run to him over and over.  The book would be over too soon."

And that's when she realized introspection quota was over.  She leaped over their naked bodies, catching her dress on a rose thorn and tearing it perfectly down the right side to reveal more buttery thigh.  The music was calling to her as she sexily sped walked toward the barn.  Words came to her from the Square Dance Caller, "Partner", "Man", "Couple", "Left".  Tonight was the night she would tell him how she felt.  The words would burst from her mouth like an eagle carrying a boombox with her voice playing on a cassette tape she recorded at home.

And when she entered the door she saw Dexter McChest.  The love of her life. Arm in arm with his old girlfriend. Sandra Bullock.

Next Chapter: BULLOCKS TO YOU, SANDRA!