Romance Novel Excerpt #10: Bear Your Heart To Me

Vanessa Lonelyheart and Federal Marshall Johnny Law are holed up in a hole in the earth called a cave.  But as Vanessa struggles with making her next sexy move, something waits in the darkness. A plot point!

Check out previous excerpts from my fake romance novel.

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

Chapter 6 - Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Chapter 7 - Two Can Play at Solitaire

Chapter 8 - On the Run From Johnny Law

Chapter 9 - The Hot Hills of Desperation

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 10: Bear Your Heart to Me

Vanessa’s plan seemed foolproof.  Lure Marshall Johnny Law into hot steaminess long enough for her real love, Dexter McChest, to escape further into the nooks and crannies of Desperation Hills.  Lovemaking seemed a small price to pay for his freedom.  She would try not to enjoy it.  But by the hunk of moon rock Johnny was, she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to not not enjoy it.  And the sheep skin blanket Johnny was laying out next to the campfire wasn’t making it any easier.

“This cave should keep us warm.  But you never know up in these hills.  This rain could freeze on us and then we’ll have to resort to body warming.”  said Johnny Law, his voice like a violin made of chocolate.

Vanessa’s luscious lower lip quivered.  “Have you resorted to body warming before?”

“Sure.  Never with a human though. Only with my horse. And once in Hollywood during the Writer’s Strike with an out-of-work Transformer.  I think they’re asexual.”

Johnny Law put his boot up on a rock and peered into the soggy darkness.  She watched his thigh muscles pull at the seams of his Wranglers.   Like two sexy prisoners trying to escape a denim Alcatraz.  She could see them, planning their escape route, maybe they would get his butt involved.  And when they escaped, she’d be waiting at the rocky shore with a boat ready for them to board S.S. …

“No, Vanessa!”  she thought wildly, grabbing the reins of her libido.  “You love Dexter.  You can’t do this.  Even if it’s like bedding Legends-of-the-Fall-era-Brad-Pitt, you’ll always have this between you.  Like a wall of tanned perfect flesh you can never get around.”

“But”, chimed in her libidinous side, “if you don’t do this, as soon as the rain quits he’ll go after Dexter.  Wouldn’t one roll and a bit of post roll cuddling give Dexter enough time?  Didn’t we already decide this?  Why are we going back on this?  I’ve already got all hands on sexy deck.”

And then it happened.  The rain turned to sleet.  The wind bit her wet shirt like a hungry baby and she knew.  The Marshall turned to her.

“We’ve got no choice.  There’s not enough fuel to this fire. I know you’re a lady and I know I’m a man but I also know we’re two humans who need to survive.  And I know I want to be a gentleman but the seethroughness of your shirt makes me want to be wolf, too.  You decide. But I’ll turn around in case you want to get nekkers.”

And just as he turned around, a bear lunged out of the darkness!  And thunder clapped at the same time!  And their horses whinnied!  And her heart went ba-doom-ba-da!  And the bear roared, digging his claws into Johnny's perfect back!  Women all over the globe fainted!

Johnny spun, bloody yet ready to fight. He shouted something to her as he reached for his gun.  She couldn’t hear it over her blood roaring in her ears like a blood waterfall.  The bear knocked the gun from Johnny’s hand.  He reached for his Bowie knife.  And then it was all claw and knife, fist and paw, skin and fur, sex and danger.

The bear saw Vanessa and it lumbered towards her.  It had a bowie knife for an eye now and Johnny on its back, trying to choke it out.  A claw clubbed her across the temple and she went down, down, down. She was falling forever, the cave opening up like a reverse womb. And just as she about to fall into oblivion the room was all thunder, thunder, thunder.

And out of her swollen eye, she saw Johnny.  One arm was bent sideways and he was trying to reload his gun with bloody fingers.  The bear was dragging itself across the floor towards him, breathing heavy.  It swiped at Johnny.  He crumbled. More women fainted.  The bear turned its last eye toward her.  And then its head exploded.

The last thing she saw before she passed out were the barrels of a shotgun swinging next to a cowboy boot, stamped with the insignia of Scottish royalty.

“Dexter…”

NEXT:  LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE MAN

Romance Novel Excerpt #9: The Hot Hills of Desperation

Vanessa is "helping" a Federal Marshall named Johnny Law track down the love of her life!  If she uses her womanly wiles on him, is it for Dexter or is it for her?


Check out previous chapters from my fake romance novel.

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

Chapter 6 - Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Chapter 7 - Two Can Play at Solitaire

Chapter 8 - On the Run From Johnny Law

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 9: The Hot Hills of Desperation

The thunder rolled in the heavens like two lover clouds making angry love-sex. The rain droplets were steady and cold on her fever hot bosom.  If you spied her bosom through the downpour, you would say it was ‘heaving’.  Some bosoms did regular ups and downs, but never Vanessa Lonelyheart’s.  Hers was heave only.

Especially around a law hunk like this Federal Marshall.  Johnny Law’s sun blond hair all rain slicked around his Hollywood shaped skull.  His eyes like two aquamarine lasers gooing up her heart.  His lips like two segments of grapefruit she wanted to squeeze dry.  His jean clad butt like two volleyballs shoved into…

No, Vanessa! You’re not out on Desperation Hills looking for love.  You’re looking for signs of Dexter McChest, the ex-Scottish Prince turned cowboy you turned into Immigration. 

They were here to make sure he was not dead or worse, remarried.  He was hiding out in the hills and she was sure her love radar would lead them right to him.  She didn’t have any other plan but to see him. More like absorb him.  Make amends. If possible, sexually.  Then they would get married and take back his Scottish throne.  She was sure she could find some good old boys who wouldn’t mind invading England.

Johnny spoke up, “If he resists, I may have to shoot him. You’ll want to look away.  I always aim for the face.”

“I understand,” Vanessa barely breathed out.  What was she thinking?  The lawman wasn’t going to just let him go.  And Dexter wouldn’t just let himself be taken.  It would be a shoot-out.  And one or two beautiful men might have to die in her arms.  She’d been so set on finding him, she’d hadn’t considered the gnarly end.

Vanessa made a sexy decision. “Marshall, I’m freezing.  There’s a natural cave over there.  Could we just warm our bodies a bit?”

Johnny nodded his man-nod and led their horses to the cave.  Vanessa knew what she must do.  She must sacrifice her body for her man.  She must sleep with one gorgeous hunk monster to save her strapping hottie with a body.  Oh, the agony of her life.  The sexy conundrums she found herself in.

As she sat down on the cold cave floor, neither she nor Johnny Law noticed the eyes watching them from deep inside the cavern.  It’s most likely, 80 percent probably, a bear.  

NEXT CHAPTER:  BEAR YOUR HEART TO ME

Romance Novel Excerpt #8: On the Run from Johnny Law

Dexter McChest is on the run from the law!  Vanessa is introspective again!  Burritos! Horses with crazy names!


Check out previous chapters from my fake romance novel.

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

Chapter 6 - Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Chapter 7 - Two Can Play at Solitaire


THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 8: On the Run from Johnny Law

Vanessa Lonelyheart looked out at the hills.  What in the name of Crazy Jealous Nutjob had she done?  She’d called Immigration on the man she loved.  Not only that, she’d called Immigration while microwaving a burrito.  What a heartless hungry monster she was.  Her man was on the run from the law and she was eating an illegal burrito while her man burrito was huddling out in the cold hills of Texas.  She bit into the cold middle of her non-man burrito.  It tasted like chilled irony.

What to do?  Run to him and beg his forgiveness?  Or watch him get hauled off like a criminal and finally have him out of her life?  Could she watch that and not have her heart go supernova?  Would her perfect breasts be caught in the blast?  What would Victoria’s Secret model bras after?  No. The risk to women’s comfort was too great.

No! She’d ride her horse, Pony Braxton, into the wild hills and throw herself upon him.  Break her body against him like a Chanel No. 5 smelling orchid against the waves of an angry ocean.  The windows got steamy just from her thinking about it.

Then she heard tires in the driveway.  They sounded manly and assertive but she couldn’t see the vehicle through the steamy window.  Could it be Dexter?  Would he risk his life to see her before he fled?  Would he need an angry roll in the hay? She disheveled the hell out of her hair and ripped her bodice a little.  She did a couple of jumping jacks to make herself breathless and then she ran to the door, ripping it open with all her sexy force.

It was not Dexter.  But it was interesting.

If Dexter was the cold, forbidding beauty of the moon, then this man was the warm, welcoming hotness of the sun.  His golden hair was Hollywood long and looked like a hair commercial.  If it had ever seen a split end, then the Vietnam Memorial was made of black licorice.  Her hands itched to run her fingers through it, to grab it, kiss it, suck on it like a straw.  She was so captivated by his hair she forgot to look at his face for ten seconds of hair stare time.

When she did, she was not disappointed.  His skin was tanned like a vanilla roast.  His cheekbones were like knives sheathed in suede.  He had lips that looked like two skinned pink caterpillars.  Two caterpillars that you wanted to sink your teeth into and pull on until they ripped off his hunk face.  And those caterpillars moved up and down.

“Excuse me, Miss.” he talk-whispered, “I’m Johnny Law.”

The literalness of his name sobered her up.  Could it be?  This Adonis sent from Mount Wowza was the man after her man?  How could she help him? How could she not?  Maybe she could throw him off the trail.  Maybe she could distract him with her gender specific parts.

“Vanessa Lonelyheart, I’m Marshall Johnny Law.  Former model turned Federal Marshall.  You know why I’m here.  I’m sorry and I need to borrow a horse.”

“Well, I’m coming with you.  We’ll take my appaloosas, Prance Armstrong and Usain Colt.  Let’s go find that Scottish devil.” she said in her most husky voice.

Thunder rumbled in the distance.  Uh-oh. She was wearing her most see-through shirt.

NEXT CHAPTER:  The Hills of Hot Desperation

Romance Novel Excerpt #7: Two Can Play at Solitaire

Check out previous chapters from my fake romance novel.

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

Chapter 6 - Bullocks to you, Sandra!

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

EXCERPT FROM CHAPTER 7: Two Can Play At Solitaire


The wind was windier than usual.  Like the world was sighing on Vanessa.  She knew how it felt.  Because she was sighing on the world.  Dexter McChest was back with his old girlfriend and Vanessa Lonelyheart was back with her old boyfriend.  Oh wait, she didn't have an old boyfriend.  Unless you counted Tom Despair or Harvey Pillowcry or Frank Lee Lifesucks.

"No!", she said to the wind, breaking off her wallowing.

"No! No! No!" she triple shouted at the wind.  "I'm a Lonelyheart!  And that means something around these parts!"  By parts she meant Gentrified County, Texas not private parts.  Which, in hindsight, would have been sexier.  Nevermind.  We take it back.  It was a double entendre.

The Wind really got blasted by her shouting.  It was impressed by her air expulsioning. So the Wind stopped to listen. What else was it doing? Wind stuff?

Vanessa continued to address the Wind: "When people heard the name Lonelyheart, they knew it meant strength. They knew it meant a bottomless depth of feeling.  They knew it meant love of country and a willingness to secede if need be.  It also meant sexy passion and sometimes ruthless efficiency in the boardroom and bedroom.  It used to be pronounced BonerHeart in the old country but that didn't translate well.  So we changed the hell out of it."

The Wind made a 'go on' motion.  Vanessa hiked up her skirt and complied by sticking one foot on a rock outcropping.

"I'm a Lonelyheart.  And no exiled Scottish Prince Cowboy is going to take that away from me.  I'll show him that I can be happy.  Even if I have to surgically tighten my smile muscles."

The Wind thought it was a good idea and apologized for having to leave. It had to start Monsoon Season.  Vanessa walked back inside her ranch house mansion.  She was ready to make a bad decision.  So she drew a bath.

She positioned the imported Burmese bubbles around her nakeds and called Dexter from her bathtub hologram phone.  Suddenly, Dexter's sinewy man sculpture popped into view, hovering over her lily white kneecaps.  Even the tiny version of Dexter made her heart go beatless for the space of twenty six beats.  Technically, that's a heart attack.  But technically, isn't love?

But Vanessa got her blood engine going again and found courage in the aromatherapy she had positioned around her.  It was a blend of Egyptian Chamomile and South African Poppies.  It smelled like fortitude and apartheid.

Mini-Dex spoke to her, "Are you in the bath, Nessa?  Are you drowning slowly? Should I come save you?"

"I don't need saving this time, Mr. McChest.  You do.  I'm firing you.  That's it. You're fired."

The hologram seemed to shake with rage:  "Firing me? On what grounds, lady?"

"You're really slacking on the job.  The cows were just eating the grass today."

"That's called 'grazing', Nessa.  You've been away too long.  You've been cityfied.  Go back to your Central Park and watch the tourists graze again.  You're offbase."

Vanessa realized her mistake.  Grazing? Now she remembered.  COWS + GRASS = COWS LIKE GRASS.  She'd lost touch.  Her accent was barely hanging on.  The bubbles were popping.  She would need to import more bubbles.  Who was she?  She used to take baths in sagebrush.  She used to wear shrink-to-fit jeans.  She used to snack on pig ribs.  Now she carried around foie gras in a Louis Vutton lunchbox.

But she couldn't retreat.  She had to make him go.  She metaphorically bent down and went for the lowest blow she could think of.

"Well, McChest.  Technically, you're not a citizen.  I'm sure Scotland would love to know where you are.  Immigracion is on their way."

Holographic Dexter's tiny mouth dropped open the tiniest bit.  Like a millimeter probably.  Like the saddest millimeter.  All the bubbles popped in agony.

NEXT CHAPTER:  On the Run From Johnny Law

Romance Novel Excerpt #6: Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Check out previous chapters from my fake romance novel.

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH


Excerpt from Chapter 6: Bullocks to you, Sandra!

Can a heart explode?  Shatter and reconstitute like a red batch of mercury?  Can a symbol become a reality? Can a medical impossibility happen just once?  Because Vanessa Lonelyheart felt the sharpest hyperbole within her chest.  When she saw the love of her life, Dexter McChest, dancing with his old girlfriend. Sandra Effing Bullock.

Though when Vanessa knew her she was just Sandra Effing. Later she added the Bullock to make her sound more British. Little ol' Sandy, trying to make her way into big ol' Hollywood. Dexter fell for her right before she got that Speed movie with either Bill or Ted.  He was fresh from being banned from Scotland and he was lonely, hurt, and looking for honest work so he wouldn't have to dip into his rainy day funds of 400 million pounds.  And there was Miss Congeniality swinging her buttcheeks back and forth in her daisy dukes. Cute and sassy.  Practicing lines while working as a waitress at the the local restaurant Cowmurderteria.

Ugh. Why was she telling Sandra Effing Superskank Bullock's story?  This was her inner monologue wasn't it?  She doesn't have to explain crap to you, reader.  She can selfishly focus on herself and her complex feelings of betrayal and lust.  Which sometimes she calls betrayalust or belustal.  Also, Superskank is a Norwegian name that Sandra took on after she found her real father, Lars Superskank.  It sounds like Soap-oor-skunk.

Dexter saw her.  His hawk eyes dove upon Vanessa's lingering mouse eyes.  And then his hand gestured her over.  It was too late.  She wanted to run away.  Maybe back through the rose bushes until her clothes were shredded and hanging from her like designer spider webs.  And then jump on a mustang and ride like hellwheels into the dessert where she would fall prey to a desperate situation, like a rattlesnake lair or a polygamist cult, that only Dexter's ingenuity and gunmanship could save her from.  But instead, she just walked over.

"Hey, Sandra." said Vanessa compexily, "How's movies? Weren't you in that movie where the white lady helps the black ladies learn to read or write a book or something?"

"Vanessers," said Sandra very America's Sweetheartily, "I was in The Blind Side.  You're thinking of The Blind Side 2: The Help.  How are you?  How's your media mogul boyfriend?"

"Less mogulish these days.  How's your movie going where you like ladies and men?"

Dexter squinted his eyes.  Gotcha, Vanessa thought.  Dexter thinks poorly of bisexuals.  He finds it wishy-washy.  Point: Vanessers. But then Sandra countered with her million watt smile and genuinely nice personality.

"Oh, V-Hearts, you're thinking of the Nancy Reagan movie.  And I'm not even sure I want to do that smut pic. But it's so wonderful you follow my career. And not out of soul crushing jealousy but out of genuine interest and fondness for our friendship."

Vanessa's Sarcasm Meter was turned all the way to High Nuance Examination and yet she heard nothing.  Sandra Effing Superskank Partyswooping Manstealer Bullock PhD was actually just as nice as she sounded.  Damn her golden heart.  It would take too long to explain the "Partyswooping" and "Manstealing" but the PhD was in Astrohumanities.

"Well, Sandra. Dexter," Vanessa sighed giving uppily, "I have to go.  I've already hoedowned much too much and my get down muscles are tired."

Vanessa walked away like a sad doe who just got her herd shot down by life's cruel hunters.  The herd was her hopes. Dexter's eyes wanted to follow her out but they were connected to his skull which was too gentlemanly to leave a lady unattended on the dance floor.

"Wait, Vanessa." Dexter called after her.  She turned around like one of her herd was just wounded and was trying to stand on its bloody legs.  Dexter ripped off his shirt and threw it to her.

"Take it.  In case it gets cold. It's a desert outside."

Vanessa eyes sparkled in the light of Yankee Candles.  Her moist lipped mouth spoke from her heartbox.

"It's a desert inside, too."

NEXT CHAPTER: Two Can Play At Solitaire

ROMANCE NOVEL EXCERPT #5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

Catch up on previous chapters:

Chapter 1 - Vanessa Lonelyheart

Chapter 2 - The Scottish Cowboy of My Heart

Chapter 3 - Lovers Ridge

Chapter 4 - Cow or Never

THE HEART IS THE LONELIEST DUDE RANCH

Excerpt from Chapter 5 - Everybody Get (Hoe)Down

The Annual Gentrified County Community Awareness Bucks for Border Patrol Hoedown was in full swing.  The night was Texas hot and clothes stuck to skin like panko.  It reminded Vanessa of making love.  The dragonflies riding by two by two reminded Vanessa of making love.  Even the young couple in the bushes who were making love reminded Vanessa of making love.  Oh, what a cruel night.  Her heart felt as swelled up as a blood sponge.

Vanessa Lonelyheart sauntered sadly through the ranch's prize winning rose garden.  And even though it had won Best- Rose-Garden-in-the-World-and-Probably-One-of-the-New-Seven-Wonders, the beauty didn't stir her.  Nothing stirred her.  Except for Dexter McChest.

She hadn't spoken to him since they helped that cow give birth.  It was an afternoon too intimate, too full of revelations.  The revelation about Dexter's sort of wife and child, their death by surface-to-air missile, what a cow placenta looked like.  And Dexter.  She had seen a real feeling inside of Dexter.  A man who had loved a child and perhaps could love one again.  That made Vanessa's womb jump.  Like a little basketball inside her guts court.

From her rose garden of solitude, she could hear the laughter and fiddles.  It was her old friend Yo Yo Ma going to town. Anybody who was anybody was in there dancing their fancy dance pants off. Senators, movie stars, socialites, oil sheiks, steel barons, submarine captains, time travelers, kids show hosts, lady spies, hawk trainers, sommeliers, rap battlers, and neighbors all dancing and writing checks to support the Texas Border Patrol and their new laser gun initiative. And somewhere in there, promenading with girl after girl, was Dexter.

"What are you doing, Vanessa? Your man is in there." said one half of the young couple who were just doing it a few rose bushes down from her.

"Yeah," said the other half. "You can't just wallow in your thoughts out here no matter how interesting they are.  You have to go inside and fight for that dude."

Vanessa put on her sexy pouty face and informed them, "Listen, I need a certain amount of introspection per chapter.  I can't run to him over and over.  The book would be over too soon."

And that's when she realized introspection quota was over.  She leaped over their naked bodies, catching her dress on a rose thorn and tearing it perfectly down the right side to reveal more buttery thigh.  The music was calling to her as she sexily sped walked toward the barn.  Words came to her from the Square Dance Caller, "Partner", "Man", "Couple", "Left".  Tonight was the night she would tell him how she felt.  The words would burst from her mouth like an eagle carrying a boombox with her voice playing on a cassette tape she recorded at home.

And when she entered the door she saw Dexter McChest.  The love of her life. Arm in arm with his old girlfriend. Sandra Bullock.

Next Chapter: BULLOCKS TO YOU, SANDRA!