Strange Dreams

Last night, I had a dream Valerie and I had a child. Very odd already, as everyone knows we hate children and want to grind them up into ice cream. (Kiddie Cones?) But we had a baby boy and we were at church and we were up in front of the congregation giving him a blessing. But somehow, many of our male friends were there to share in the blessing. (Geography and money mean nothing in dreams.) Darren Zufelt, Andy and Sam Donkin, my bro Allen, Ben Howington, Aaron Allen, and Brady Moss were all there. And my Bishop was kneeling on the floor holding a microphone in the middle of the circle. I know this is a very Mormon-centric post and you might have to be Mormon to picture this.

Besides the odd facts of friends and baby, in the dream I had amused myself by wrapping my baby in an American Flag. For some reason, Andy was really mad about the thing and started to refuse to bless my baby. Which pissed everyone else off.

"I'm not putting my hands on that kid till you take that flag off!" Andy kept saying.

"Get over it!" Darren kept saying in whispers, slowing the words down for greater emphasis and prick-itude. "GET....OVER....IT!"

I was refusing, saying I can dress my kid however the hell I want. Allen threatened to sit down and said something about buying Andy a slurpee to make him feel better. Brady kept turning around and making Brady faces and shoulder shrugs at the congregation like, "What can you do?"

Then Sam said very loudly into the microphone, "Stop being a douche."

The whole church gasped. Then Sam did his classic "Oops!" while my buddy Aaron went into giggle fits and had to leave the circle and sit on the sacrament bench.

Finally, Andy said, "Fine, I'll do it. But I won't say Amen."

And then I woke up.