For years I've been a bit zombie obsessed. With good reason, considering the Zombie Apocalypse is nigh upon us. For a prophetic look at this dread time, I would refer you to Max Brooks, chronicler of our undead infested future. His book Zombie Survival Guide and new work of non-fiction, World War Z, will prove invaluable very soon. Though I'm afraid you'll all read it too late. Cuz there's no reading when you're a brain sucking mutant. Only brain sucking.
But I've decided to throw some vital info out there just in case a few of you want to save your precious lives. Installment One will cover good and bad weapons compiled by fellow Anti-Zombie warriors.
Recommended Weapons for Zombie Slaying
Shotgun
50 Caliber Machine Gun (see Rambo 4)
Baseball Bat
Croquet Mallet
A Pack of Rabid Dobermans
Dual Chainsaw Hands
A Lightsaber
Sub Zero's Freeze and Uppercut Power
Pipebombs
Molotov Cocktails (on hand supply if you're a liquor store owner or alcoholic)
Two Hummers with Razor Wire Tied Between
Siberia
Ark of the Covenant (Indiana Jones version)
A Paintball Gun Filled with Marbles
Giant Magnifying Glass
A Mammoth Porcupine (of course, then you'll have a freaky huge porcupine terrorizing your neighborhood but we recommend the 50 Caliber again. Rambo knows)
Mad Max Style Razor Boomerang
Twin Tommy Guns
Magma (if you ever figure out how to wield it)
Low Ceiling Fans
General Grievous as a Best Friend
Ineffective Weapons Against Zombies
Waterguns
Rosaries
Urban Sprawl
Banana Peels
Martial Arts
Convertibles
Litigation
Throwing a Baby
All Things Nerf
Peer Pressure
Yippie Dogs
Skipping Stones
Snakes
An Intervention
Bikram Yoga
Santa
Global Warming
Toboggans
Guilt
lol "peer pressure"
ReplyDeleteI agree. What is it? For me, it's like the pleasant claustrophobia, of being cooped up in a mall or a house in the woods, and just being with friends, and waiting for the end to come. Also you're working on solving a problem together, which is this really neat project, like "How do we keep the Zombies from getting in?" And when they do get there, it's like "cool we get to shoot zombies now, this is like the best 1st person video game ever." Except the odds are that most of us wouldn't survive, unless we were good looking or young, or whatever. If that happens, I'm just glad ya'll are there with me in this really cool house in the woods...or a mall.
ReplyDeleteYou try it, Keith. You'll find it doesn't even phase that shamble-walk.
ReplyDeleteJeff,
I agree friend. How exciting and terrifying will it be all at the same time.
But as I will further reveal, Andy and Ben Howington and our friend Aaron have put together schematics on our Brooklyn Anti-Zombie plan.
Shotgun?
ReplyDeleteI thought the preferred undead nomeclature was "boomstick."
Slugs recommended. Or at least triple-ought buckshot. Can I get an amen?
Amen, Joe Joe, Amen!
ReplyDeleteNothing makes zom-boes go splatter like slugs!
you can be sure i will be maintaining a stronghold in the south.
ReplyDeleteim currently working on a lightsabre chainsaw.