All My Life
I’ve been waiting for you,
a clock winding down, a marathon tape
strung at my birth for my body to break.
This ache, this frozen sap clenched in me,
a fever positively, but more rabidity,
a feeling of looseness in the mind,
of being on the threshold of all possibilities.
What a romance, I know.
But I’ve wanted, like a deep driving shaft
for even a sniff of oil, I’ve hunted you.
Rehearsing my words while I walk blocks,
a lust for just the right phrasing.
I exercise inflections like feints,
practice curling my mouth into a crook,
whatever will make your air in, your frame to leap at me.
Make a move to touch me. I promise I’ll be ready.
And just before, when eyes exam eyes,
you’ll see in them a calendar redmarked up till today.
And if you look, truly peer into this lost room
you won’t even be surprised when my fist swivels your jaw.
It’s been arriving at your station for 29 years.
Your lips will explode into flowers,
and your knee under my foot will crack
like the first home run of the season,
and my elbow against the soft grapes of your eyes,
will send you visions of the universe rushing in.
Oh, what a release you will feel
to know you have sated a rawing hunger.
And when you beg me with your defensive arms,
I will relent if you say, “I’m sorry.” “Enough.” “I won’t bother you again.”
Maybe for the first time, I will feel safe within my body.
Maybe feel bigger than my fear.
But I’ll still be answering to a little boy.
I’ll give you my hand and move on.
I have so many more fathers to fight.
Is this your version of a father's day ode?
ReplyDeletei was going to say, you should send this in to hallmark.
ReplyDeleteYou may think that most people don't feel this way about their fathers, but I know that sometimes I do. Thanks for making poems that continue to make me feel stuff.
ReplyDelete(As a disclaimer, I feel many things towards my father, negative and positive, I think everyone does. I can feel y our frustration and I share in it as well.)
This is an interesting poem for me Mike. Because I sometimes resist just spelling out what I'm saying. So adding that last line was a fight and a release too.
ReplyDeleteBut thanks for clarifying this about the father/son relationship. And thanks for sharing your feelings about it. I think it's harder sometimes to write about the positive so I try to exercise myself in that.
Hey..I am commenting. So there. I get this one. I am sure you know why. Luckily the thousand of us that like poetry can just write about it and not get thrown in jail for actually doing it. :-)
ReplyDelete