When I'm supposed to be working on one writing project my mind wanders to the next project. And when all those projects are too big and mind-consuming for an early morning wait at the airport, I tend to write something silly. This is why I can never have a pen pal or be in the Big Brother program. My propensity to fabricate when there are no immediate consequences. Here's what I think my Big Brother letters would look like.
Dear Conner,
I got your letter. You sound really cool. Sorry about your dad. Your mom sounds like a real nice lady. I loved 5th grade, too. My teacher, Mrs. Abernathy, was great. She was British and drank a lot of tea. She got me addicted to the stuff. Don't get hooked on tea.
What can I tell you about myself? Well, I'm a samurai. Do you know what that is? Well, a samurai is a Japanese warrior who follows a strict code of ethics called bushido. If you can't pronounce it, don't worry. I couldn't pronounce your last name. Samurai wear armor and carry two swords. Which is much more boss than carrying one sword like those sissy ninjas.
Already, I'm sure you have questions. How can I wear swords in public? Easy. Trenchcoats. People stay away from trenchcoat folk. Because they're usually flashers. Which means they are opportunistically naked. Or I just keep my swords strapped to my motorcycle. Which sort of hampers my street justice radius, but I just try to park my motorcycle near danger.
What else? Oh, armor. Do I wear the old timey samurai plate armor? No, I'm more of the Seven Samurai, hang out in cotton kimono type of samurai. Have you seen Seven Samurai? If not, tell your Mom it's cool. Your Big Brother says so. Tell her I would commit seppuku if it wasn't.
What's your home life like? Is your dad an evil warlord/doesn't pay child support? Because I'm always looking for a cause. In exchange for some egg rolls. I'm really into egg rolls. Are there any bullies in your class? I could totally scare them with my wakazashi. (That's one of my two swords.) What's your single mom like? Does she need me to get feudal on the kingdom that holds her mortgage? Does she like motorcycles? What about debt?
Stay bushido, Conner. Big Brother out.
Love,
James Wolfbike
Last surviving member of the Kagekatsu/Wolfbike clan
The world would be filled with much more honorable teenagers if you were their big brother, Wolfbike.
ReplyDeletewill you be Jack's pen pal?
ReplyDeleteSeven Samurai rule. That is all.
ReplyDeleteIs it kosher to say that was pretty stinkin' kickass? It was. K-i-c-k-a-s-s.
ReplyDeleteJust a reminder: you are in the real big brother program. Meaning you have 3 younger siblings. So now you write fake letters to fake siblings that you are in a fake program with? They wouldn't let you in that program without positive proof from your real life experience. Where are the real letters to your real siblings in your real family? What kind of samurai are you?
ReplyDelete