Monday, October 17, 2011

Sticky Notes of Love


If I had had a teacher crush in elementary school, these letters are what I imagine they would be like.  Also, I just published in Limestone Journal, and if you go here, you'll see it says 'featuring' writing by me.  I like the idea of being featured.  I'm going to have people start announcing me at places.  When I have dinner with you, it'll be your regular dinner but Featuring James Best.  Alright, letters.

LOVE LETTERS

Ms. Havershaw,

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce.  I bet it super blows.  I wouldn't know because I'm just a kid and my cognitive ability to understand long term consequences hasn't fully developed. But really, what a suckfest you must be having.  If you'll notice, I've left three sticky notes on the bottom of this note. Please respond with an answer as to how you will respond to my affections and a dinner date this Friday. I will have to be home by 8:30 though. Are you too sad to drive?

Love,
James


Dear James,

I have attached the "NO" sticky and underlined it twice.  Thank you for the thoughts on my divorce (it's a separation) but your letter was inappropriate.  Let's not bring your parents into this.  And please stop writing "James + Ms. H" on the chalkboard before I come in.

Mrs. not Ms. Havershaw


Mrs. Havershaw,

I looked up the word separation. Gotcha. So our love will be forbidden. Were you saying no to my affections or dinner? I should have left separate sticky notes options. Did I mention that this dinner was at the Great Skate roller rink?  I have saved up enough money from my paper route to buy us both two chili dogs, fries and refillable drinks.  They have pink lemonade on tap. It's like the only place in town. I'll usually drink like six of them and get so jazzed I can skate backwards at warp speed.

Skating to your heart,
James


To my student James,

I am writing you another letter since you pretended to be asleep standing up when I confronted you about this during recess. This has to stop.  You are a child. I am an adult.  I am sort of married to a man that used to care about me before Hooters was built near the airport.  I do admit that your devotion to me is cute but this is not right. Your letters must stop.  Thank you for drawing a picture of me eating a chili dog.

Your Teacher


My Love,

I loved what you said about Michigan history today. That was a very compelling story about the lumber boom in the Upper Peninsula.  Is there anything you don't know?  Speaking of history, I've acquired two flintlock pistols and I've contacted your 'husband' about a duel.  My crazy grandpa said I could use the pistols "as long as the love is pure enough". Ricky Turner is going to be my second.  We've been practicing with cap guns.  As soon as I blow away your buttbrains of a husband, we can be together.  I've drawn a preview of the duel.  I had to use two red crayons.

Your Gentleman Warrior,
James


James,

I called your parents and the principal.  We'll be meeting after school. This has gone too far.  I warned you and now this is going to go on your permanent record.  I'm sorry.  I know you mean well and you don't really understand the feelings you're feeling.  In a way, I wish you were my age.  I could use a man who stands up for me and doesn't laugh at me when the obscenely breasted Hooters waitress says, "Can I refill your A Cup? I mean your cup!"  You're a sweet kid.  I'd like to see Gary with a giant flesh crater in his chest like you depicted.  I hope your parents aren't too hard on you.  I've found our interchange to be creepy but sweet.

Ms. Havershaw

Linda,

Your name is so sweet on my tongue.  All day I wrote your last name over mine. James Havershaw, Mr. James Havershaw, Mr. Linda Havershaw.  I know why you did it.  I'll expect the firing squad at 2:45.  Propriety will keep us apart but at least I looked up the word propriety.  You are better than chocolate milk every day.  I will wait for you.  And if you are a thousand years old by the time I am twenty, than I will still marry your old bones.  Always, my love.

James Havershaw

P.S. I will be hiding in your car tonight in case you want to run away with me to Canada where there's no laws and you can love whomever you want, regardless of whether or not they have reached puberty.