ELIZABETH asks:
Why does Thanksgiving only happen in America & Canada?!
HELPLINE says:
Because every other country has nothing to be thankful for. France celebrates Oui-We-Suck-Day.
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ANDREA asks:
Is it possible to say Thanksgiving is too commercialized? If so, how would you suggest bringing it back to it's Puritan roots?
HELPLINE says:
Andrea, burn some witches and get some cholera. Voila. Vintage Thanksgiving.
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SARA asks:
Where can I buy turkey in Kyushu, Japan?
HELPLINE says:
Sara, I checked Google Maps. You're going to have to swim to China. And in China, turkeys are called "unwanted girl children".
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BRITTANY asks:
Thanksgiving Helpine, should I be offended that no one (including my husband) is allowing me to make ANYthing for Thanksgiving? Well, except for the place cards. I was put in charge of...place cards.
HELPLINE says:
Brittany, if you're in charge of place cards, that's the equivalent of distracting a kitty with a toy. They'll probably cut up your food, too. Go get a new family.
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KURT asks:
Thanksgiving Helpline, did Master Chief liberate Thanksgiving from the Covenant?
HELPLINE says:
Kurt, luckily I speak all languages of nerd. According to my history book of the future, Master Chief and Covenant one day will come together and celebrate Spacegiving.
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JULIE asks:
Thanksgiving Helpline, our only son has invited "friends" to our Thanksgiving Dinner and they are bringing their own turkey. Should I be offended?
HELPLINE says:
Julie, don't be concerned about the turkey. Let's examine this claim that Ben has friends. Ben does not have friends. You are his mother. That should be a boy's only friend.
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ALISSA asks:
What does it mean when you enjoy dancing with your turkey?
HELPLINE says:
It means that Season 15 of Dancing With the Stars is coming up and you two could be contenders. Also, turkeys always lead.
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KURT asks:
Thanksgiving Helpline, what is the REAL reason turkey makes you sleepy?
HELPLINE says:
Kurt, turkeys want us all to sleep so they can kill us while we nap and then wear our clothes and play our boardgames. Turkeys love Candyland.
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KAMI asks:
Thanksgiving Helpline, what exactly is a 'giblet' and why on earth do they leave it inside the turkey?
HELPLINE says:
Kami, No one on earth actually knows what a giblet is.As far as I know, they're not even part of the turkey. They might be left over generic candy from Halloween.
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SCOTT asks:
Was the black and buckled clothing the Pilgrims wore considered sexy - almost Pilgrim lingerie - back then?
HELPLINE says:
Scott, it was indeed lingerie. The pilgrims had a much different idea of what was sexy back then. Where you wore a buckle signified what part of the body was most desired. Nothing was a bigger turn on to pilgrims than feet and foreheads.
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JANE asks:
Am I supposed to refrigerate my apple pie, Thanksgiving Helpline? It seems so weird to let it sit out on the counter.
HELPLINE says:
Jane, Thanksgiving Helpline here. You NEVER refrigerate apple pie.It's because apples are warmblooded creatures and they never migrate farther north than say Washington. It's more an animal cruelty issue than baking issue.
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CHRISTIAN asks:
Why did the Native Americans plant a fish for fertilizer with their corn? Why not a deer or an elk? More fertilizer, right?
HELPLINE says:
Christian, you're correct. For us modern folk who may not trust fish due to the mercury levels, I suggest planting your corn in a cemetery. Just more fertilizer, right?
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From my own personal experience, it may be helpful to others to know the following information. Always check all cavities in a thawed turkey. Plastic bags full of turkey parts are in both cavities. Burning plastic odor takes a long time to clear your kitchen.
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