POP: Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Remember how you were up all night?
EDIE: Yeah, that was a great time. Tonight? Same time?
POP: No. You're going to sleep no matter what. I will build a fake womb to put you back in if that's what it takes.
EDIE: Oh, my gosh. I totally miss that place. It was like a temperature controlled dance club with flesh walls.
POP: That's weird. Please don't say that to your Mom.
EDIE: Well, I can't. Because I can't get my vocal chords to work right. All I can get out is 'coo' and 'gah-gah-bluh' and some wolf sounds.
POP: Alright. Seriously. Nap time. You, too.
EDIE: Sure. Edie signing off, "Pop". If you really are my Pop.
POP: Why would I hang out with you and care about your neverending flow of doodoo if I wasn't your Pop?
EDIE: I don't know. I don't really know many people. Maybe that's normal. Maybe adults are enslaved by babies.
POP: Well, that's sort of true.
EDIE: I want to see some documentation.
POP: Oh, I have some documentation. How about the bags under my eyes? How about the crick in my neck from holding you perfectly still? How about HOW I HAVE TO STALK AROUND MY HOUSE LIKE A FREAKING NINJA AS TO NOT WAKE THE BABY?!
EDIE: I love it when you use all caps. It's funny.
POP: This discussion is over. I'm going to sleep.
EDIE: We should go on Maury Povitch. Do a paternity test.
POP: How do you even know about that show? We don't have cable.
EDIE: I get around. You don't own me.
POP: Well, I guess I don't own you. You know what? I'm not sure I'm your Pop either.
EDIE: See? I knew there was some doubt. We don't even look alike. Except we're both a little fat and squishy.
POP: I feel myself growing more distant from you already. This really frees me up from a lot of emotional responsibility.
EDIE: I ALREADY don't care. It feels amazing, huh? We should find my real dad. I bet he's a King.
POP: Well, that's a short list. We should just check out the King listings.
EDIE: That's great. I'm very excited about being a princess. Now come put my pacifier back in my mouth.
POP: As Not-Your-Pop, I really feel no need to. Good luck.
EDIE: Oh, this is how it's going to be? Well, two can play at this game. And by this game, I mean The Crying Game.
POP: You're going to switch genders?
EDIE: No, I'm going to cry. A lot.
POP: Then why did you reference The Crying Game movie?
EDIE: I thought I was making something up.
POP: I'm going to sleep.
EDIE: Do we have that movie?
This was my favorite one yet. How dare you be so clever on such little sleep.
ReplyDeleteSeriously you need help James. I love you more than pumpkin pancakes, but you need therapy. Get some help before Edie turns out just like you and poor Val needs to be institutionalized. It's normal to talk to your new baby, but not to make up the baby's conversation back to you. Just like it isn't normal to write hate letters to Max.
ReplyDelete